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kind of a sex vent...need advice...(sorry long)
I made an AE bc this is personal and I don't want ppl to know my Real SN.
I had DS 4 1/2 months ago and H and I are getting back into the swing of intimacy again. Now every night I will ask him if he wants to have sexxy time. I guess I was just blind what was really going on the first 4 months after DS was born. I know masturbating is a natural thing but I'm looking for a bit of advice on what is really normal. I just found out that H has been masturbating for awhile now. When we got together I told him I didn't like him watching porn and doing it so he said he'd stop. We were 6 hours away from each other during the week and I would come see him on the weekends. Well... Just now he told me he never stopped. He asked "What do I expect after having sex all weekend and him having to go with nothing during the week?" AND when I had to wait my 6 wks PP... I found out that he was doing it then too. I don't think its the masturbating thats the issue with me. I understand that he is horny and I have to take care of DS so sometimes I'm not in the mood. But the other night I was and he turned me down bc he didn't want to get undressed and lube up. BUT every time he does he has to watch porn. I told him how I feel about it. We've had LONG talks about it. But It doesn't matter bc its something he needs to do while he masturbates. He asked me if I would rather have him imagine someone he knows IRL or watch porn. I started crying & asked him why he doesn't imagine me. He said bc thats an obsession and ppl like that are "sick". I guess I'm "sick" then bc I only imagine him when I do. It just makes me wonder when we are having sex if he is only imagining me or someone else. It makes me feel like he is cheating on me or resents getting married so soon since he never had anyone else...
I'm all for trying new things. He wanted to try anal so I tried it,(i didnt hate it), but now its like he doesn't want to have intimate sex anymore, he wants to try it rough. I can't take it rough bc of health problems, so he acts like its my fault. He also wants to see me do it with a girl, and when I asked him if he would do it with her too, he said only if I wanted him too. I don't work that way, in my head it makes me think he wants someone else.... I just want to have romantic making love sex again.
Now, he was a virgin before we got together and we are in our early 20s. SO at what point is porn a problem? & How do I learn to let it go and not get upset about it?
ETA: I forgot to add, he said that I should be able to tell that he loves me bc if I cheated on him he would kill me, but if he cheated on me then I would just divorce him, leave and take DS from him. So I was just kind of like whatever. I told him I wanted a divorce bc this is not the marriage I want and so he said he would do anything it would take to get sole custody of DS no matter how much it cost.
ALSO he had me use his e-address for something and when I went to check it he had changed his password and when I asked him why he said bc he didn't want me going through everything and asking him about why it was in there. I've seen this e-address and all it is, is spam so who gives a F*** It just makes me think he is hiding so much more.
Re: kind of a sex vent...need advice...(sorry long)
He wants to try it rough and you are not only not comfortable with that but you have a health problem and you are not interested.
Uh, that's a hell of a bigger issue than his masturbating to porn while he fantasizes about whoever it is that is in his mind.
And it's a bigger issue than the porn because he wants it rough and you don't wish to participate in that because of your health issues. And he is po'd because of that, and putting the blame on you.
Wow.
Somebody who loves you and respects yoru wishes won't pressure you to do something you are not comfortable with. No 2 ways about it; if you decide no it is no and no further discussion and that's the end -- with no animosity on his part at all, nor any resentment toward you.
I see a big control issue here along with a dominance and intimidation issue -- and I see a real intimacy problem on his part. I'd be shaking in your wellies, if I were you.
And he wants you to have sex with somebody else.
I am hoping none of this is MUD.
If it is not MUD, I strongly suggest you rethink this jerk. The control issue is scary sh!t -- it can easily get out of hand -- and he also wants you to have sex with somebody else.
I also see nothing in your post that shows me that this guy is putting you first and foremostly in his life. Everything here is him him him -- I see no we we we.
Have a very major issue with the roughness that you are not okay with and have a big issue with the fact he wants you to have sex with somebody else. RETHINK THIS JERK.
Please believe me when I say that you are not sick! While porn is a part of many marriages and can enhance your love life, it should only be in your marriage if you both agree to it. And while some men and women feel that there is nothing wrong with porn, porn is definitely a problem for many people. It doesn't make you a bad wife. It doesn't make you an intolerant wife. It is just the way you are and your husband needs to respect that.
I think that you should see a marriage councelor; someone who can mediate a conversation between the two of you so that your husband can see the effect his use has on you; the effects of his lying about his porn use as well. They can also help the two of you set up boundaries to where you feel comfortable during sex; i.e. how rough it can be, positions you can do, etc. Only through talking it out can you either "let go and move on" or decide what you want to do about it.
Is it possible that your husband is addicted to porn? The lying about it and stating that he "needs" it to masturbate are red flags to me. (He also needs to look up the word "obsession." Fantasizing about your spouse and only your spouse is not an obsession, and even if it were there is nothing wrong about sexually obsessing over your spouse.) http://www.sexualrecovery.com/pornography-addiction.php
I also want to recommend a book to you called "Every Heart Restored" by Shannon Etheridge.
ETA: (I hit send before I was finished.) Your husband does not sound like he loves you the way he should. He is disrespecting your wishes, not caring that he hurts you physically and mentally, and he wants you to step outside the boundaries of your marriage by having sex with other people. Please think about what you want very carefully. Is this the type of marriage you want?
Good luck!
DS: age 4
DD: age 2
Currently pregnant with our 3rd!
I never post on here, but this post made me sad. I am sorry that you are going through this, and that your H does not have any respect for you and your wishes. I have volunteered/interned at a domestic violence shelter, and I can tell you your H is being sexually abusive, as well as emotionally. No I do not think he could take your LO from you and get sole custody. You are the mother. Like PP said unless you have major drug issues etc. then you would most definately get your LO (whether it be shared or whatever). Do not let him scare you into thinking he can take your child. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
ETA: I forgot to add, he said that I should be able to tell that he loves me bc if I cheated on him he would kill me, but if he cheated on me then I would just divorce him, leave and take DS from him. So I was just kind of like whatever. I told him I wanted a divorce bc this is not the marriage I want and so he said he would do anything it would take to get sole custody of DS no matter how much it cost.
He wants you to get it on with another woman...but if you cheated, he'd kill you. What's up with that?
DOCUMENT everything -- what he's said to you and done, no matter how intimate. You may need this evidence in a court of law...and don't let him scare you with his threats. He's manipulating you and playing mind games with you --- and this in itself is bordering on verbal and emotional abuse. Again, if he respected you and loved you, this would be the last thing he'd say and do.
He is also calling your bluff by doing this.
If you speak to an attorney, I am sure he'd tell you otherwise; not likely that your H would get full custody of your child.
ALSO he had me use his e-address for something and when I went to check it he had changed his password and when I asked him why he said bc he didn't want me going through everything and asking him about why it was in there. I've seen this e-address and all it is, is spam so who gives a F*** It just makes me think he is hiding so much more.
And now he's being secretive. Oye yiyiyiyi...
Um, your husband mentioned killing you and you were like "whatever"? There are a number of red flags in your post but this one is really telling you it's time to pack your bags.
I suspected it before I read your update, but there is no doubt in my mind now that your husband is either actively cheating on you or actively trying to. He's pushing you to be the one to end the marriage. It's the coward's way out.
You need to remove yourself and your DS from this situation...his already emotionally abusive behavior is only going to grow worse. After the "I'd literally kill you" threat, I see this turning physically abusive in short order.
You need an attorney and you need to start documenting his threats/behavior. I wouldn't worry about him winning sole custody here, but you need to be working hard to win it for yourself.
Like a pp said, it's really disturbing to see how little of a reaction you had to his threat to kill you or suggestion to bring a third party into your bedroom so he can experience what it's like to be with another woman in front of you. It makes me think this kind of thing has been going on for a while and that you have little-to-no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Make no mistake, that threesome suggestion had very little to do with sex and a lot to do with fuucking with your head.
I have no desire to get into the Great Porn Debate because it's about as pointless as arguing abortion or politics or anything else like that. So I'm leaving that one alone.
The two paragraphs I quoted were the ones that most made me go "WHAA?!" First off, he said that fantasizing about the person you love is obsessive. That makes absolutely no sense and tells me that he was just trying to come up with some excuse as to why he's a scumbag.
As far as the second paragraph, he's an emotionally abusive fvckhead, and I cannot believe your response was "whatever." My response would have been, "Well, you won't get that chance, because I'll never cheat on you...because your ass is out the door right now." I just...wow.
Counseling, if you're really wanting to save this for some reason. IMO, DTMFA.
OP probably won't leave because there is a tot involved.
And lusting is NOT cheating. Sheesh....
That he's insisting on rough sex and resentful because the OP doesn't wish to participate is the big red flag here. This guy wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell if this was my H.
RETHINK him, like I said. This isn't healthy and this isn't good.
Um, what? Lusting is lusting. Porn is porn. CHEATING is cheating. Don't get me wrong, OP's husband is a scumbag, and she needs to split ASAP. But seriously? Porn is normal, and healthy. Couples can use it together as well.
The threats about the custody are way too far my dear. I work at a divorce firm. First go to counseling, make an effort to go and mend your marriage. If you see this start to snowball downhill then DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, write down these threats, save and print porn sites, check your internet history for any kind of sites like craigslist or other seedy sites where random-sex meetups can be made. I don't want you to get stuck in a custody battle without these building blocks.
I never post on this board, but this sub-thread and the OP is too much of a train-wreck to not comment on.
Lust and porn is not cheating. I have to disagree with 'porn is normal, and healthy'. WTF? Some people enjoy porn, but overall it really has little to do with a healthy relationship and don't even get me started on the business/exploitation aspect of it all.
But, man, OP...re-read your posts. Read them over again. Read the responses. Read them again. And again. And again. You are married to a manipulative, abuse person. He has threatened you. He has coerced you. This is not a sex-vent, it is a cry for help.
Start documenting your life. Make copies of financial statements, websites, phone records...everything. Suggest counseling. Make an appointment and go, even if he doesn't.
And then, I've never posted this, contact a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.
Get.out.of.this.situation.
God this just reminds me so much of my first marriage. It was unhealthy from the start and just got worse until it imploded.
OP please do yourself a favor and walk with your son while you still can. I know it's scary and you can justify his behavior on so many seemingly small things, but it will get worse.
Good luck.