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I always say no... Looking for advice!
HI there. Thanks for reading this, I'm hoping someone may be able to shed some light onto my concerns ...
I'm 24, my H is 25 - we've been married about 5 months and were dating for about 2 years prior to marriage.
Lately, I just have not wanted to have sex or do anything sex related. I feel horrible because he always wants it and I say no and get mad at him for asking and it turns into an argument ...I just have no interest in having sex, it seems like a hassle to me, and I just don't feel like doing it .. but I just don't know why ... I love him to death I know nothing is lost there ...
Is it that I'm just too exhausted/overwhelmed? (I'm a full-time grad student, I have a job, and I have 2 internships, etc. etc.) Am I just being lazy? Could I really just not like sex? (When we were first dating we used to be all over each other, so IDK) Could it be a medication side effect? (Even though I've been on all my meds for a long time ...) Is there something physically wrong with me? I just dont know ..
Any ladies have any advice? Any comments are much appreciated!
Re: I always say no... Looking for advice!
Are you on the pill? Do you struggle with depression? Have there been things that have been particularly stressful for you and your H lately? All of these things could contribute to a low sex drive.
If I were you, I'd make an appointment to see your doctor. He/she may be able to alter your medications or recommend someone who can help you get through this.
Also, I have heard that the more you have sex, the more you want it. It may be worth it to try, even when you aren't in the mood. Try using toys, or watching porn together if you think it will help. That may help boost your sex drive as well.
Sounds like you're overwhelmed and stressed out which are both issues that lead to a decrease of sex. Have you talked to your H about how stressed etc you are? Also, as relationships get comfortable the amount of sex does/can decrease without something being wrong. If you think it's a medication side effect you should see your doctor.
I'm no where near as busy or stressed as you, but I make a point of saying yes to my H if there's no good reason not to, even if I'm not in the mood and he does the same for me. I've read other posters that talk about the 10 minute rule. If you aren't in the mood within 10 minutes... no sex. I know I take way less than 10 minutes so that might be something to try.
Overall though communicate with your H. Tell him what you need. Compromise so both your needs are met.
I know we all feel like saying no at times, but by saying yes, even when we don't feel like it may help get you in the mood? Or find something you are willing to compromise about.
I think a lot of it has to do with your schedule - I too am a fulltime doctoral student, and work full time, so I have to plan it out or.. which works well is spending the day talking about it (through texts, phone calls, instant messages).. to make you really in the mood when you get home. I don't think you're lazy - you're just EXHAUSTED.. why don't you take a little break from your thesis/dissertation
& look into a weekend sexy getaway.
Thanks ladies, I appreciate the feedback.
And yes, I am on the pill, and have been for at least 7 years, so I'm not sure that could be the culprit ... as I had assumed it may just be my demanding schedule and then I'm just too stressed to think about sex ... maybe I'll have to try the 10 min rule pp mentioned !
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I really like the idea of a 10 minute rule...I'd just make sure you talk to your H before you implement it, so he doesn't think you're leading him on.
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Sex problems are not a problem. They are symptom of a problem. You are stressed out. Also for you the cost of sex is greater than it's worth or return.
Time to consider the short and long term costs of your goals.
What exactly do you mean? Would you mind expanding more on this?
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As previously stated I would look into talking to you gyno or family doctor about this - especially since it seems to be a new problem for you. I was on the pill for almost 6 years and recently had to go off. I started having high blood pressure (I'm 28), fatigue, and other side effects that seemed to come out of now where. Once I went off everything went back to normal for me after a month or so.
Also - it sounds like you are crazy busy and life is hectic. My H and I sometimes don't manage to have sex m-th because we are exhausted from work. We usually make up for it on the weekends though. If it's an especially busy time for us we'll informally schedule each other in for sex. It helps me get in the mood because I'm thinking about it all day even if I am tired!
Good luck and don't wait to long to get this figured out!
I highly disagree with quitting an internship or anything that she is doing for her education. Granted sex is an important part of marriage but right now, there are other things that need attention too. I say, let him know you are just not feeling it with everything going on. You've got a lot on your plate and this sex-free phase will pass. I went through it too. I just graduated and can relate. This wont last forever. Your education really needs to be high on the priority list in my opinion. I'm sure he will understand and give you some space. Plus, it's way more enjoyable when you are not stressing about homework.
Hope that helps
I have this problem and I agree with PPs: once you start, you definitely get in the mood. Good luck!
P.S. Please do NOT drop an internship. You'll be so glad you stuck with all your goals!!
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Gah I am so tired of seeing this "advice" from magazines and forum posters. Don't say yes when you really mean no - it's not healthy, it's mixed signals, and it's just asking to end up doing things you don't want to for the rest of your relationship.
If you are tired, get more rest. Eat better. Get some fresh air and exercise. Let him know your lifestyle is overwhelming - odds are he will understand where you are coming from - especially if he was worth marrying in the first place
If energy is the issue, find a way to save some energy for your husband - then you can use it 