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Help!!
My 12 year old step son has BIGG anger issues, esp. towards his mother. DG has a counseling session this week with a psycologist, but there has been so much sh*t going on recently that I don't know what's going on anymore. Last week he punched a glass window at school instead of hitting a kid. Yesterday his mother yelled at him for something he didn't do. He has HUGE amounts of resentment towards her and he just gets angry...I mean like, fist balled up, tears in eyes, angry. With each kid, his mother has pushed each other child away--she has totally created this situation (kids--DG, age 12. Gabe, age 10, Mya, age 8). When Gabe was born, the focus was totally on the new baby, not on DG. Then Mya was born, and both boys were pushed away. Now this b&*%$ has another kid with her current BF, and all three kids have been literally latched to mine and H's hips/ankles since that poor baby was born.
H and I are house-hunting. Lease on one-bedroom apartment ends in May. Our ultimate goal is to get a home, then go after custody of the kids (joint custody now between H and his ex). I just feel like this situation is going to get worse, and I can't stand to see DG so angry, neither can H. Besides just being there for my steps (although, I'm sorry, I hate that word...I know they are not my blood but I love these kids more than anything and would do anything for them) and besides being a positive and stable aspect of their lives, I dont' know what else to do. Any suggestions?
Re: Help!!
Have you talked to the mom about this? What does she say? Is she open to you gaining custody? Have you talked to the school to try to line up any resources there?
If she truly is the problem and is not doing anything to solve it, I think you are doing the right thing by trying to get custody of them. Can they start spending more time at your house in the meantime, even if it means them sleeping in a tent in the dining room?
We have tried to talk to her about his anger issues, but trying to talk to her about their resentment issues is like talking to a brick wall. She swears up and down "oh it's just puberty" and "oh he's just being a teenager". She is not open to us gaining custody, and every time the kids bring it up---she guilts them "but I'll miss you" and turns the focus on herself. then the kids feel bad and don't want to hurt her feelings. She is not working, her BF is not working, they are on welfare and living off the support payments. At her house, the kid's bedrooms/living conditions are a bit scary--I'm not saying they are unfit living conditions, but their rooms don't look like kids live there--there's no toys, no pictures on the walls, no stuffed animals, the bedrooms just look, well, sterile, I guess is the best way to put it.
We have tried talking with the school, we have a good relationship with the principal there, however, the principal is not always available and/or at the school (their charter school is seperated into an elementary and a middle school, she tries to spend equal time at both but of course that is hard). DG has had counseling at school but it doesn't seem to work. We try to have them stay with us as much as possible, however school is 45 minutes from where we live. Good thing is that they have started going to Sunday School, so after church we have another day or more time with them if not a full day. Boys stayed here after youth group night last night, are back with her today, and will be here again tomorrow for Sunday school and for lunch afterwards.
We give them as much positive reinforcement as we can and constantly tell them that if they need us we are here for them, that they can call us whenever about whatever, that we will come to get them if they want to spend time with us...Luckily she is not opposed to them spending the night on weekends or school holidays, so we take advantage of those times as much as we can.
My first suggestion would be to get them into therapist that specializes in blended family issus, vs the school counselor. You do that because: a) a SC is not equiped to work with the issues your SS is having (anger management, no matter what the cause is not something to take lightly) and b) you are laying the ground work for any subsequent custody battle. I always suggest using a therapist who works with the courts, since they are already credentialed (not in a legal sense, but have been vetted by the courts and are trusted for their opinions).
My second suggest is to start documenting everything, from the outbursts and BM's response to their room (pictures are good), to any missed appointments, to the gas being turned off.
Finally, if BM has e-mail, ensure all conversations are done electronically. At the very least, have a "summary" e-mail detailing the phone conversation DH and BM had and what YOU thought the solution was. If she thinks your wrong in your assessment and replies, great you have documentation, if she calls and talks to you...you just send her another "summary".
a psychologist is a good place to start, hopefully he is one who deals with teens and anger issues.
another thing you might want to do is stop blaming his mother for everything.
You will not get full custody of these kids because of this, you do realize that dont you?
thanks
We try to do as much documentation as we can, I've started supplementing H's documents with more detail or if he skips a convo.