Input please

futuremrsofficer · February 2011

I know no one else is currently adopting, but I feel better asking you guys here than the adoption board because I feel like you guys know me better.

So you all know how the possible adoption of those 2 little girls isn't happening. Well on Friday we saw a listing for 4 little girls that are currently in our city that are available for adoption, they are 5,6,8,9. They are currently being fostered in different homes (which breaks my heart). The question is do we ask for more information on them or is 4 at once just way too much to handle? Would you even consider it?

In my mind: we were going to have 3 at once, what's 1 more?

eouellet · February 2011

Personally, 4 is more than I would want, especially all at once. I (again, personally) would much prefer to be able to give more individual attention to each child, particularly if they were children who had been through a lot of upheaval. That said, it is sad that these girls have been split up, and it would be lovely if they could find a way to stay together. And if you think you and your husband are ready to take that on - emotionally, financially, and time-wise - then kudos to you!

kaesha · February 2011

Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with more information about them. But I do think that is a LOT to handle. I don't know if it's too much for you and Sean to handle, but I think it would be too much for me, for sure.

How long have they been in the system? How traumatized are they? Like all of us, the older they are, the more baggage they carry. Having watched one set of my adopted cousins (they're siblings and were adopted when 4 & 6) have major mental health issues because they were aware of everything that happened to them, I'd be scared that I wouldn't be able to devote enough time to each child with that many kids.

futuremrsofficer · February 2011

kaesha:
How long have they been in the system? How traumatized are they? Like all of us, the older they are, the more baggage they carry. Having watched one set of my adopted cousins (they're siblings and were adopted when 4 & 6) have major mental health issues because they were aware of everything that happened to them, I'd be scared that I wouldn't be able to devote enough time to each child with that many kids.

The concerns you listed are exactly what we're worried about. I feel like getting more information would feel like an obligation kind of? Am I being silly?

kaesha · February 2011

futuremrsofficer:
kaesha:
How long have they been in the system? How traumatized are they? Like all of us, the older they are, the more baggage they carry. Having watched one set of my adopted cousins (they're siblings and were adopted when 4 & 6) have major mental health issues because they were aware of everything that happened to them, I'd be scared that I wouldn't be able to devote enough time to each child with that many kids.
The concerns you listed are exactly what we're worried about. I feel like getting more information would feel like an obligation kind of? Am I being silly?

No, I don't think you're being silly. I think I'd feel obligated as well. If I looked into them and decided that I couldn't handle them, I'd feel super guilty, you know? Like that I was the reason that they were still in the system... that if I were a stronger person, I'd be able to take on the challenge.

Being an adoptive parent can be such a hard space to negotiate because non-adoptee parents don't get that choice factor. And, frankly, I feel like having that choice is really hard. I mean really, how do you choose between children?

At the end of the day, I think it's in your best interest to ask for more information about any of the children you're hoping to adopt. And, though I have no idea how you'd do this, I also think it's important that you give yourself permission to say no to a child if you're worried it's too much to handle. You wouldn't be saving anyone from the system if you're overwhelmed and not capable of handling their trauma.

futuremrsofficer · February 2011

You said exactly what I'm thinking. I did end up asking the adoption board, and they said first time parents do better with sets of 2 at the most just because the amount of attention each child will need. They also suggested a younger group of siblings. We're going to talk to our adoption worker on Tuesday and see what she thinks.

aryl · February 2011

I would shoot for more information on the kids, you never know what you are going to get.

raynes · February 2011

futuremrsofficer:
You said exactly what I'm thinking. I did end up asking the adoption board, and they said first time parents do better with sets of 2 at the most just because the amount of attention each child will need. They also suggested a younger group of siblings. We're going to talk to our adoption worker on Tuesday and see what she thinks.

I was sort of thinking along the same lines as what you were told by the board.

Yes, you were going to be having 3 babies, and yes 4 is only 1 more than 3, but with the triplets you would have been starting from the beginning. The needs of 3 infants is (as far as I know) drastically different than the needs of 4 school age girls. With the triplets you would have been building up to those needs, learning with them as they grew. Yes, you're a teacher, and would probably be better suited than many to deal with 4 kids, but honestly, I think it would be too much for you guys right now.

futuremrsofficer · February 2011

Thanks Raynes for your input. We decided to just see what happens after we get licensed in terms of situations that are presented to us.

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