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Anyone lost a parent to cancer?
Hi, I don't normally post on here (I frequent other boards). If you have any suggestions or help for me, i would very much appreciate it.
My father was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma, a type of liver cancer back in May (he is 57). We have just been told on Friday that after may different treatements, he is going downhill quickly. The cancer is spreading quickly now, and the doctors do not know how long he has. They are trying another chemo treatment now, but they indicated that there may not be much time left.
Obviously my dad does not have an expiration date, but we have to prepare ourselves for the worst while still having hope. I'll be spending every waking moment possible with him having fun, talking, even just sitting in the same room.
Have any of you gone through this or something similar? Is there any way you can somewhat prepare (aside from all the financial and funeral planning) for a parent's passing? I am looking to start couseling but if you all have any other suggestions or just stories to share, I would very much appreciate it.
Thank you very much,
Kim
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
Re: Anyone lost a parent to cancer?
I haven't lost a parent, but I have lost several family members that I was as close to as a parent to cancer.
In hindsight, my biggest regret was not spending more time w/ them; hearing stories, talking, laughing, etc.
I think your suggestions so far are great. You can really get some great memories and I would def encourage you to maybe make a scrapbook/memory book and write down things to keep as a reminder? Hugs & I wish you the best during this difficult time.
Spend as much time with him as you can. As the pp suggested, talking -- and laughing -- will help.
Sorry for your troubles. I was in your situation also.
I just lost my dad last week as a result of surgery to remove cancer. The memories are wonderful so spend as much time as you can.
I also recommend you are clear on a DNR order if it comes to that. Not fun to talk about, but as least you can feel good about any decisions you might have to make. Also any type of funeral wishes he may have.
As far as financials go, make sure you know where everything is and whose name is on it. Our funeral home was unbelieveably helpful in ordering death certificates and sorting through some of the things that will have to be taken care of (social security, pension etc.).
I know this post isn't not to bright and cheery, but I just buried my dad on Friday so it is still fresh. Best of luck to you!
I have. I lost my father within 20 days of his Cancer diagnosis a while back. Time is great, the more the better. Try to carve out a little time with just you and him in the room together to say the things you need to. Don't wait too long. My father unfortunately slipped out of consciousness for about a week and a half and I had waited to tell him some things that I wish I just would have said. Let him know that you are going to be ok. I think my father felt great relief and pride when I said this too him.
We brought photo albums and his favorite music to the room. He loved looking at pictures and remembering. Also the music calmed him at night and during his more painful treatments. Reach out to extended family. We posted a web update and so many people responded and sent well wishes. We read the emails to him daily, it was one of his highlights. Also let those outside your circle know the truth. They may want ot come and visit and say goodbye as well. Sneak in some of his favorite foods. Try and get him into the sun or outdoors if he is bound to the hospital.
I am very sorry you are going thru this. It is very difficult and hard to know the inevitable outcome. Cherish the moments you do have.
There is no way to prepare yourself emotionally. Spending as much time as possible is the best thing.
Its good if the two of you can talk openly, about the illness and the outcome; but not necessary either. Is hospice involved? Are his affairs in order? Will he discuss what it is he wants as far as funerals and more practical planning? Has he signed all the necessary papers for transfer of accounts and things?
Yes, yes I have. My dad was 54.
Ditto the others. Spend as much time as possible with him. Make sure you tell him how much you love him and get out everything you want to say while he is still lucid. With my dad, my sisters stayed at the house with my mom, but my DH and I lived in our own house in town. The night before he died, he was lucid and talking. I remember before I left I hugged him and kissed him and told him what a great father he was and he was the best dad ever and I loved him. I remember my older sister was asleep in the recliner in the living room. When he went to sleep right after I left, he did not regain consciousness. I feel very bad for my sisters because they said their goodbyes when he wasn't conscious. You kind of stick your head in the sand that the end is near and pretend like you have time you don't. So don't make that mistake.
I think some of the discussions about affairs are smart, but I would think your mom and dad have covered those bases. I know my mom and dad went over all that stuff in the weeks before he died.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through it 3 years ago. It really sucks. I will say though, that there is a measure of relief after it's over. I didn't realize until after he had died how heavily his illness had weighed on me for the year he was sick.
I lost my mom to lung cancer one week after she was diagnosed. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this; it is very difficult.
I agree with pps that you should just spend whatever time you can with him now. Also make sure you know what his wants and wishes are in terms of a DNR, funeral arrangements, etc. As horrible as it was to lose my Mom knowing how she felt about everything and what she wanted made it so much easier to take care of things.
And since I didn't say so, I am really sorry about your dad. This is a hard thing to go through.
I remember telling my dad, when we all knew it was coming to the end of things, that I was very grateful he was going first, to show us all how to do it right; that he'd often shown us the way on so many things, and he was doing it again for us.
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
I lost my dad the day before Thanksgiving after a 7 year battle with colon cancer.
I was lucky and towards the end I was able to work from my parents' house in the afternoons so I could be there with him and my mom.
There is no way to prepare. As much as one would like to think that it may be easier if you know it's coming, it's just not. The experience is different, but the feelings aren't. Definitely spend as much time as possible with him. There is nothing better. My birthday was 5 days before my dad passed away and I picked up some food and took it to my parents' house and my mom, dad, sister, and I all sat in the bedroom with my dad and ate and watched a movie and I think it was the best birthday I've ever had.
I'm sorry about your dad! You and your family will be in my T&P's!
Missed M/C 11/5/2010 @ 5 weeks, 3 days* D&C 12/3/2010 at 9 weeks, 3 days
I lost my mother in 2001 to pancreatic cancer. Prior to that, over the decade preceding, she had breast cancer twice (first diagnosed in 91 or so, second diagnosis in 94 or so). She was "lucky" in that she was diagnosed with PanCan pretty early in the game, but it was on the border of her pancreas and her liver (she was jaundiced, that's how she was initially diagnosed), so it had already spread a bit. She had two years from her PanCan diagnosis to her passing, and that's a rarity.
I think that for a lot of us in the family, we believed that since she'd already beat breast cancer twice, that this was another bump in that same road. It clearly wasn't, but I know that I for one was in denial about it. She underwent a lot of treatments, including participating in a clinical trial (not sure which one) but when I finally accepted that it was going to end up killing her, the best thing I knew to do was just spend time with her. I'd get her Whoppers (they were trying to get her to eat, and she loved Whoppers from Burger King) and sit and eat with her, and just talk about whatever. We were never really close friends, or had a close mother/daughter relationship, but I think in that time, we got closer than we had ever been before.
I don't know if I'm still grieving, all these years later. I know that my father is. I think the best thing you can do is ask the person who's dying what they want for you, for after they're gone. I won't say it's an easy conversation to have, no way, but I honestly believe that if my father had heard from my mother's lips that she didn't want him to be alone, that she wanted him to find someone else and be happy with her, he wouldn't still be mourning her and he would have moved on. He hasn't. If there's one thing you can do, do that. I'd also suggest recording his voice, if you want to keep that alive. Handwriting is also neat - have him write a note to your children, if you have any, or to you. Smells go away the fastest, so if you have anything of his that has his certain smell, put it in a ziploc and keep it for when you're really feeling down.
As to preparing emotionally, I don't know if that's possible. If you're a religious person, this is when it might come in handy (eternal souls, etc), but if you're not, well... I really don't know.
Not sure if this helped. I hope it did, at least a little.
So sorry you're going through all this...
I lost my mother to brain cancer in January of 2009, eight months after diagnosis (they said she would 7.5-8 months.)
She was 47.
It is hard, but dealing with the grief does get easier. It will never go away and at times it will feel like the day you found out their cancer was terminal.
I am so sorry. Please PM me if you ever want to talk. I've been there and am still here.
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. We knew his time was limited, but he declined quicker than we expected. Thankfully, we spent a lot of time together and said everything we wanted to say to each other. That's my only advice. Cherish every moment. Maybe video tape some conversations. Try to find peace (together) before he goes.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My prayers are with you.
I forgot to add earlier that I would enroll in grief counseling if I was you. I've worked with a few clients who were going through it and found it very helpful.
Also, many patients get to the point where they are on some pretty heavy painkillers. My Grandmother was given Roxinal when they thought she only had 3 weeks. It fried her brain and she lived another 3.5 yrs. Make sure you take pics and video tape family visits. It will help give you good memories and sometimes it will brighten their day when it gets closer to the end. Even if they are to the point where they don't know who the people are, they still have a picture where they know they made someone smile.
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I lost my father to leukemia a few years ago and he was on home hospice care. Here are things that come to mind about how I handled things.
Say everything you need to say. Spend as much time as possible. See if there is anyone he wants to see or any loose ends you can help tie up for him. See if he wants any clergy to come over, etc. It's hard, but try not to let your grief about what's to come spoil the time you have left. That part was the hardest for me. What helped was to also take care of myself and get some stress relief so I could be better for him. Be sure to eat, rest, and do the things you need to do so you stay well since you need to be strong for him.
It helped to visit with my sisters to take some of that pressure off. We sort of took turns talking and visiting all in the room together. My dad wanted to hear about all the things that I had planned for the future instead of talking about him all the time. He enjoyed us making his favorite foods. He liked looking at photos. He also wanted reassurance that I would help to take care of my mom. That was very important to him, so I made sure he knew all of the ways I would take care of things. Try to reassure him about things like that in case he is too proud to ask.
I also planned ahead to care for my mom and be strong for her. I made sure to make dinner for everyone/bring needed things so everyone could have quality time. My sisters and I took turns taking care of different things to take the pressure off of my mom.
It helped me to research ways that I could make him more comfortable, supplies to have on hand,etc. I also wanted to know when death was getting close and what to expect, so I read Gone From My Sight, a small guide book by hospice care that was so important for my family to read. I recommend reading it. Because of that book I knew when it was time to arrange to be there with him and there for my mom.
It's hard to think about the end, but being prepared helped me feel like I was caring for him better. Toward the end my dad was always cold and wanted blankets. Perhaps a soft new blanket and socks will bring extra comfort. I made sure to have skin lotion, lip balm, mouth swabs, hand sanitizer, Ensure and other snacks on hand for him (and snacks for other visitors). I bought medication organizers--anything I could think of to make everything more organized (my dad had a crazy medication schedule). Pen and paper were important for my dad to write things down if he needed. He also had trouble talking sometimes, so it came in handy. If you have siblings consider making a phone tree to notify relatives and friends of happenings so no one person has to do it all.
Being surrounded by loved ones is the most important thing. Just tell people if they have colds to wait until they are well since cancer patients are immunocompromised. Have people wash their hands before visiting even if they are well. When you visit try to make the most of the time when he is awake. My dad slept so much so the moments he was awake were few sometimes, but we made them count.
Best to all of you.
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
A few other things I forgot to mention.
I had a religious talk with my dad. I knew he was Catholic, but didn't really know the extent of his personal beliefs. That was a comfort to me.
Another thing that I treasure is a voicemail I have saved on my phone. I actually have two voicemails from him on my phone. I've kept them now for years. I have his voice everywhere I go, so I can still go back and listen to it. I know my mom does that a lot with home videos. So think about preserving those things now, because you'll want them later.
I lost my mother and grandmother with-in six week of eachother 11 yrs ago in Sept for my gram and Nov for my mom..
The best advice i could ever give anyone is to think of things you want to know, things you might want to tell you children about your dad and write it down because no matter how hard you try memories do fade. You can try and prepare for your dads passing but when the time comes it'll feel like you just found out he was sick days ago. Spend as much time as you can with them, it'll come to feel like they don't even realize you're there but they really do. Talk to him not like he's sick, not like he doesn't have much time left, but talk to him like you would have before he got sick..
I think the most important thing to do is to prepare the younger children. I know from being really young when both of my parents passed that you have to really find the right way to tell young children that someone has passed away.
Dear Kim,
I'm sorry to hear this. I lost my dad to cancer 2 years ago. When my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I went numb....
After learning he had less than a year to live, I immediately started spending my free time with him. Besides going to work, my social life was put on hold...
Like you said, spend every moment you can with your dad, even if its just being in the same room. I took many pictures and I even have a voicemail with my dad's voice...it comforts me every time I listen to it.
It'll be hard....especially with each passing day, but stay positive and remind yourself how very blessed you are, it's helps to stay positive.
Message me if you ever need anything.
I'll keep you and your dad in my prayers and I hope for the best!
Karen