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Meeting with the mom
The past couple of months or so have been pretty hard for my husband and his children. He got laid off of his job, and has been unable to pay child support. His exwife was pretty angry and probably said some things infront of the kids, that she should not have. Yesterday, on Facebook, I commented on one of her children's pages and she responded saying that we need to work everything out soon.
My question is, do you think I would be out of place to sit down with her and talk about what has happened and what we should do going forward? I have had a great relationship with her kids since the beginning of my relationship with their dad, and we miss them very much. My husband is very upset about what has happened and I think that emotions might get in the way if he and his exwife sit down first. So maybe I could be the mediator?
I don't want to overstep my boundaries but it seems like she is ready to talk. What would you do?
Re: Meeting with the mom
stay out of it. stay civil iwth her and close to the kids and that's it. they are the parents fo the kids, not you, you have nothing to do with it.
why is child support not being paid? was he given severance? unemployment? are you working?
The ex is not allowed to withhold visitation b/c she is not getting paid. Visitation and child support are two different issues. There is no reason his kids should "miss him" unless they are far away and you can't afford airfare.
Stay out of it. Have your H contact a lawyer and come up with some sort of plan.
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The kids are teenagers. So they are really "mad" at their dad based upon the things that their mom has told them. My DH worked for a very small company, and because they didn't have more than 20 employees, they were not required, by law, to pay into unemployment.
I do work but all of the bills, including his personal bills, have become my bills and we are really unable to do anything more than pay our monthly bills. We did just both get our tax returns and was able to give some money to their mom.
I will take your advice and stay out of it. Thanks ladies!
But child support is one of your monthly bills.
I totally understand what you are saying but my H was paying more than $1100 in child support a month. There is no possible way I can get even close to paying even half of that. We help with the things that the kids need for school and things like that but as far as a set monthly amount, I can't handle paying on my own.
I only lurk here so bear with me...
1. your H and his ex have to sit down, F2F, and he has to tell her what's going on. I don't know where you live or what the law is, but the other posters were right -- generally, one cannot withhold visitation bc support was not being paid.
2. if he misses his kids bc he has not seen them, he needs to make sure he sees them, and soon, and tells them he loves them but he lost his job and has no money right now. He needs to be honest with them. They may be angry bc of what their mom said, sure, but he needs to tell them its okay to be angry and he loves them and he's trying.
3. When your H and his ex got divorced, was there anything in the decree about revisiitng the child support amount? Not paying could get him arrested, worst case. But -- he might be able to get the amount reduced to what he can afford to pay, instead of just not paying anything.
4. I would not meet with the ex privately -- that's not in you or your H's best interests -- but I would tell her (as someone before me did) that you agree, she and H need to talk, and you know it's a tough time, and you are doing all you can.
5. From her perspective, she's probably a bit freaked out bc she just lost $1100/month of income that she may need to continue to live in her house, pay her own bills, etc. (why, yes, I was there.) So she may just need some reassurance from your H, the father of her children, that he does intend to pay what he can, now, and to catch up when he gets a new job. Fair is fair.
6. Good luck. I am the child of a deadbeat (alcoholic) father, and an ex-wife whose husband (a federal agent) would not pay child support for 2.5 years, until there was a court order. So.... this is rough, on all of you.
"What is a week-end?"
It is not her monthly bill, it is his monthly bill. As much as I am against deadbeat dads, if he was still married to his ex and lost his job and got no severence / unemployment, the family would be down that income, and the family would need to adjust.
If he lost his job and can't afford child support, how can he afford a lawyer?
Anyway, I agree with the rest when I say stay out of it.
And your DH needs to get a job - any job, even if delivering pizza - to bring money.
You may also want to meet with a lawyer to see if your husband can get a temporary change in child support amount until he gets another job. Legal Aid can help if you do not have enough money to hire a lawyer.
If you think you can do it as an advocate for them both - understanding and making it clear that you aren't automatically dispassionate for whatever is going on with her, then yea - I think you could (with your DH's permission) write back something positive like, "I'm so glad you also are willing to work everything out. Would you care to meet with Scott and I over lunch?" I wouldn't present myself as anything other than determined to have a positive outcome.
[edited to add that I responded before I read about the issues about nonsupport]
Still making my way down the thread, so perhaps this has already been addressed.
On one level, I hear what you are saying. But the long and the short of it is, that's not the ex's problem - and by not paying it, and by excusing it by saying you can't - the kids aren't going to be sympathetic, and helping out for things here and there isn't going to make up for that or gain him father points. I am not trying to harsh at all. I've been there, and struggled and have eaten poorly and done without to hump over a time period...you have an ongoing monthly bill with arrearages. There has to be some major sacrifices and changes in standards of living to make sure the kids are getting what they are supposed to in full every month. That will go a long way to resolving his issues with his children and lessening the impact of his ex's irritation. If he's not paying what he should, and that's a part or the whole of what you want to talk to the ex about - I would be *very* careful not to present your reasonings, as much as I do honestly understand them, as you've presented them above. That will blow up any communication that otherwise might progress.
Would it be seen that way in court, though? Seriously, I'm curious - I'd be willing to bet that it would not. If they were still married, there is no doubt, they'd have to adjust their financial lifestyle. However, now she's not family but is someone with whom he's entered a contractual and legally binding arrangement. She's nothing more than a creditor (aside from being the mother of his children). His first obligation, legally speaking, is to his original family. In our state, that is how each 2nd wife/w/family is introduced to childsupport issues.
The ex no more has to allow him to float a few months than would the electric company. The electric company might make a short term temporary arrangement, but it is at their graces and never ongoing. A person can call and explain their situation to the electric company to work something out, and so could this man with the powers that be that handle child support cases when job losses or unexpected financial chaos hits. While it's nice to give the ex a heads up about what could be coming down the pike (and I hope he did this) the courts really should have been made known immediately (admittedly I don't know that he didn't do this, but it sounds as if he might not have). The electric company may work with the man for a brief time, as might the ex, but neither as creditors need to adjust their business/lifestyle because he's out of work.
There should have been a financial buffer in place since he had such a risky job (no unemployment being one clue that they would not otherwise survive a job loss). There should have been a savings, an emergency fund of some kind to make sure that the kids and other debts/household expenses could be taken care of in the event of illness, injury and/or job loss.
He is entitled to ask for a reduction in support, as support is based upon gross income. He should file immediately for an order to modify support downward; but it is doubtful that this will be retroactive; so the sooner he files the better. There is no magic rule that says he has to have a lawyer file it; and the court will listen to him and make a determination.
That said, dear god don't try to mediate a thing between the ex and the dh. That's nuts. You're not unbiased; this would be the two of you against her. And as for child support being his bill, yes it is; but why the hell aren't you paying as much as you can toward it, these being children that presumably you care about? The ex needs this money for HER bills, for THEIR children; do you think her bills stop, that the kids don't need to eat, or have clothes, or whatever? Come on; pay at least what you're able to. He is not absolved from helping to feed his children because he lost his job.
And I thought everyone had to pay into unemployment.Sounds like your dh got fired and is not eligible, as opposed to the company is too small. I pay unemployment on my employees, and I only have two.
As I understand it, there was not set amount in the divorce decree. They both stated that they would take care of the child support as a seperate matter. I am sure this is because one of the children is not his biological child and he is not legally responsible for her.
As far as not seeing the children, he wants to see them but they are so angry that they are not willing to see him and he is not going to make them. His theory is that when he gets a job, things will get better. He has had some pretty good leads this past week and is waiting to hear from a couple of places.
Thanks again!