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WWYD? - mom related
I have had an aggravating, strained relationship with my parents since I was a pre-teen - it's just been my mom since 2002 when my dad passed.
The only times she sees my kids are when I set it up. If there is a recital or ball game, she only goes if I drive her there or back. Yes, she does drive, and yes, she does own a car. I invite her to the kids' activities and take her back and forth and always end up regretting it - she complains constantly, makes inappropriate remarks, etc.
Situation: DD#2 is having her art displayed with several others from the school system at a museum about 40 miles from home. I am non-custodial parent, so it will be DH and I attending. We are thinking about getting a hotel room nearby and making a mini-vacay out of our trip downtown. Of course, we wouldn't be taking my mother if we did this - getting a root canal would be more pleasant.
Am I awful for not even mentioning it to her? Or should I mention DD#2's honor and say sorry I can't be your taxi because we made plans?
Re: WWYD? - mom related
Don't call, don't invite. She doesn't want to go to these things, or she'd take herself. Instead, she uses your invitations to see her granddaughter as perfect opportunities to act like a complete asss. You don't have to expose yourself, or your family, to any of this, and you'd be remiss if you did. Your happiness and well being are very important to your dh and dd as well; and you should protect that.
I'm sorry your mom is such a twit; but just because you reproduced is no reason to expect her to change.
I'm not sure why you keep trying to engage in the fantasy that you, your mom and your kids are "one big happy family." Your mom is at best disinterested in you and your children. Accept her for who she is.
No, I would not invite her. Even if you were close and she was begging to go, you need to put you, H and DD first.
I would also stop bringing her to your children's events. If she wanted to go, she'd ask and show up on her own. Focus your energy on your kids, and the people who WANT to be there for them, whether it is family or friends.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It might be possible that she feels obligated to go when I tell her that something is going on...........?
She does wail that she "never" sees her grandchildren and that they probably don't even know her. Well, she makes no effort to have a relationship with them.
I don't volunteer information unless she asks how the kids are, and then I'll update her. If she does find out after the fact about something, she says "well, you never told me - I could have gone to that." Yea, if I took you.
She is who she is, and she won't ever change, I do know that. I go through peaks and valleys of acceptance and total frustration with the situation. My dh has been the one who has encouraged me to forge a relationship with her. He is now realizing how naive he has been.
I have told her before that if she doesn't want to participate, she doesn't get to complain about it afterward - goes in one ear and out the other.
I guess I just needed a reality check - she has the financial means and the ability to go when and where she wants to.
As a DIL whose MIL is not interested in her child unless I bring him to her home (2 hours away) clean/fed and ready to be the perfect grandson (and then pouts that she 'never sees him') I say mention it to her and if she asks when you are picking her up just say you and DH are staying over so you can't but you'd love to see her at the show.
If she pouts just be firm but kind. You and your daughter would love to have her at the show but you can't be her transportation this time. Continue this in the future. She can make the effort or not. It's up to her. As long as you are not keeping your daughter from her (as in you do bring her over to grandma's for visits) it's not up to you to make sure she has a relationship with your daughter. It goes both ways.
I have actually stopped bringing my kids over to her place to visit. She won't refrain from smoking around them, so this was necessary, due to their allergies and my son's asthma.
I do invite her over to see them and share a meal occasionally, when I can stand to. She comes over, and instead of spending time with them, she talks around them to DH and I and the kids migrate to help me with dinner or whatnot. Her social skills are lacking.
If she was elderly, infirm, hard of hearing, in poor health, I could understand some of this. She isn't quite 70, is financially stable, travels when and where she wants, and does what she wants, in good health.
I would mention it, so that she cant hold it against you later and dont worry about the apology. If she asks to attend, say you would be happy to meet her there but then add the bit about the vacation, and make it clear she is not invited to that portion of the trip.
If she complains that you cannot give her a ride, and says that she cant go because of it, just tell her that its to bad she cant make it and offer to take pictures of the event and set up a time when her and your daughter can look at them together.