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A Journey
I know this isn't really a "Family Matter" type post, but since I started here and you all know my story, I feel like this is probably the best place for it...
I spent my first night in years completely alone last night. It was harder than I thought it would be. I was in a strange place, with no one to comfort me, no one to take care of... It was all unfamiliar. It gave me a chance to do some heavy reflection without distraction and I am more than a little dismayed at what I learned about myself.
I know that I am DS's Mom. I know that I am H's wife. But I don't know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and hate the person I see. I see a stranger. I see a person who is scared, a person who has become so dependent on taking care of other people that she doesn't know how to take care of herself. I have no idea what this means, or how to begin to fix it. I feel like I need time alone to sort it out, but then I feel like doing that would be neglecting my son...
Not really sure what I want to get out of this post, I just felt like I needed to put it out there. And FWIW I am calling my therapist as soon as her office opens to make an appointment.
Re: A Journey
This is a great idea.
Well, give yourself a pat on the back. Millions of people never take stock of themselves and never take that look in the mirror - and prefer to mindlessly keep doing what they've always been doing because it's safe and familiar even though it is also very self-destructive.
Really, you may not know how to fix it, but you have begun the process by facing it. That's something. That's pretty great.
It doesn't feel so great right now... I know it's going to get better, but I don't see how I can expect anyone else to like me or love me when I don't even know who I am.
I started taking inventory of the things I used to enjoy when I was single... Maybe I can start there...
starting to figure out who you are can be as easy as doing things you want to do-take baby steps. plan a day of doing stuff just for you that you ENJOY. go to starbucks, enjoy a latte, read the paper or a book there. go get a manicure, go to the gym, wine tasting etc... i dont think the 'who I am' is not necessarily one big statment-it's many many mant many bits of things-likes, dislikes etc..the more you figure both of those out the more you'll figure yourself out.
as for at night-read a book before bed that you can really get into. it will relax you and focus on something else.