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coping strategies for long emotional weekend with the ILs
I'm going to a funeral for my GMIL this weekend, about 4 hours away, and staying for two nights. My H and I will be driving with my MIL and FIL, and will all be staying with my GFIL (the recent widower). His house is very small and only has one bedroom. Since we will not have our own car and very little, if any, privacy I need some tips on how to stay sane while remaining respectful to the family. I did talk about getting a hotel room with my husband but his Grandpa really wants us to be at the house, and my H wants to stay there too. His family is perfectly nice and I really like all of them, so there isn't any conflict or drama there.
My GMIL was a very sweet lady and I'm sad about her passing, and I anticipate this being a rough weekend for everyone no matter what.
Re: coping strategies for long emotional weekend with the ILs
Yep, there's a fouton and (I think/hope) an air mattress, but it's essentially a two-room home. I strongly suggested getting a hotel room for just sleeping but my H is adament about staying with GFIL, and while I would normally just go ahead and book the hotel I don't feel comfortable in this case since it's just a one time thing. We've always stayed in a hotel on other visits, and will in the future.
Why dont you book a hotel? Does grandma need YOU to sleep there as well? Surely having his child, their spouse, and grandchild should be enough for him.
My mom invited a lot of relatives to stay at our home the night before I got married. It was a huge mistake b/c there are only two bathrooms. I can imagine the same will hold for a funeral.
Or, if you stay, offer to be the one to run errands, get coffee and snacks for all of the visitors, busy yourself running around and in the kitchen.
I vote for staying at a nearby hotel and driving up with your own vehicle. That way you have a nice comfortable bed to sleep in and privacy and your own bathroom. Its silly to spend the night at GFIL because all you will be doing is sleeping and you will be uncomfortable and I think it will be awkward sharing accommodations like that with adults. I think your DH needs to take your feelings into consideration, and realize Grandpa will get over you guys not spending the night. Especially since you will be with GFIL the rest of the time.
You have a DH problem if he insists on staying with GFIL because then he is not taking your feelings into consideration, but making GFIL's feelings a priority.
I disagree with this since it is a one time thing with a family that is grieving. It's only for a couple of days. Since you get along with the ILs it might make it a little easier. Go for walks, offer to run errands to get out of the house, etc.
When people are grieving it's a different mind set. If this was a trip just to visit or for a birthday I'd say get a hotel room. For a funeral, I think it's better to just suck it up and think of the families feelings. Deep bonds and resentment can both bloom in times like this.
That being said, one compromise I would push HARD for, OP, is that you and DH drive seperately. Have your own car there so that if you need some space, you can leave if necessary. dont' put yourself in a position of being stuck there.
And - on that front, I do think YOU can get a hotel room if you want. Even if your DH insists on staying w/ his grandfather, you could still get a room. I think 5 (minimum) adults in a 2 room house is going to be really, really tight.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow. That really sucks on many levels.
I'm sorry to here about GMIL passing..... but I'm a little confused on why his children don't stay at his house instead of you and H.
I must say it sounds like MIL and FIL didn't want to stay there so they pushed it off on you and now you are taking the bullet.
I would at the very least rent a car for the weekend.... I please reconsider a hotel room.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Since you didn't ask how to change these plans, and you seem quite satified that this is the situation you will be dealing with - I will answer your original question about coping.
First - you are doing it. You recognize that this will be a tight situation and tough on you.
Second- get up early, get dressed and be ready at all times. This is not a vacation and you can greatly reduce your stress by simply being ahead of the curve for showers, dressing and organizing your stuff. That said, plan your clothes and hair according to this tight space. It might be as simple as bringing clips so you can pin-up your hair or a dress that is appropriate and doesn't need ironing. Be a smart packer. You'll be glad.
Third- bring your own directions and maps for everywhere you might be. You may never need them, but being in a car, lost with people who only have a vague idea of where the funeral home is, cemetary or church can be a powder keg. Don't just rely on the driver or GPS - map out some locations for yourself and have them ready for a jam.
Fourth- bring something to read. Bring more than one thing to read and if you are religious, bring a religious book. Entertaining yourself will be a BIG help to cope.
Fifth - pack some food and think about what people will need to eat throughout the day. You are staying with GFIL but it might be good to keep an eye on the food and be pre-emptive about making sure there is enough.
Sixth - things will be busy with the arrangments. This isn't all about staying at the house, so anticipate being out and about quite a bit.
I'm sorry, that this will be a tough weekend. You sound like you know what you're getting into, and that is a good thing.
In addition to what livingitup said, I would put some extra pillows and blankets and maybe some sleeping bags in the car trunk. That way, in case there aren't enough beds or couches, you at least have something to sleep on and keep yourself warm. I've stayed overnight at other people's houses and it absolutely sucks when there aren't enough pillows and blankets to go around, never mind beds.
We bought a queen-sized air mattress at Target for $20 recently, so maybe look into that. However, it has to be charged for about 8-10 hours before you use it, so if you get one today then keep that in mind. (We bought one for a camping trip and didn't realize it needed to charge overnight until it was too late, so we had to leave it at home and we had a very uncomfortable night.) Make sure your cell phone and iPod/Kindle are charged ahead of time as well, so that you have something quiet to do.
I would also call a local hotel or two and see if there are vacancies this weekend. That way, if things get really tight the first night, you can at least get out of there quickly and have a comfortable second night's sleep and your own bathroom, and you're not scrambling to find other arrangements. And if you're really not bringing your own car, I would also look up taxi services ahead of time so that you can get a ride. But I would reconsider not having a car with you ... we visited MH's relatives in the mountains once, and we were totally dependent on them to get up and down the mountain since we didn't have an SUV. There was a minor family emergency and it made things really awkward and uncomfortable for us; and when we were ready to go home, they weren't ready to take us yet, so it was maddening having to sit around and wait, and very awkward to ask if they could just please take us back down to our own car.
I would also do some research ahead of time to see what's in the area, like coffee shops and supermarkets (try Yelp.com), so that you have a place to go if things get too crowded or emotional or whatever. Is there anything within walking distance, or is this place in the middle of nowhere?
I agree with those who said to do your best to just suck it up and do what the in-laws want, since this is a funeral and since it's only one weekend. If it were a regular vacation I'd be right on board with those saying that you should tell your husband NO and book a hotel room.
I would STRONGLY insist on taking two cars. I'm not sure what the decision to take only one car is based on - are MIL/FIL too upset or too old to drive? Are you trying to save $$? Having only one car, and staying in only one home, is REALLY going to tie your down. Unless you are going to be able to drive grandpa / grandma's car. There IS such a thing as too much togetherness!
Even if you plan to sleep at the grandpa's, I would call hotels and see if there are any hotels - just in case. IMO, unless your GIL needs full-time care, you should not have to sleep on the floor. Yes, it is a comfort to have his grandson with him, but he'll have his (son/daughter) at his home. In fact, you might be more able to spend time with him during the day if you are not stressed from a night of sleeping on the floor and close quarters.
Ditto a suggestion to bring a couple of books.
Sorry for your loss!
Ditto to all of this. Suck it up - it is only two days.