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Meeting Dad's Girlfriend
My parent's divorce was final August 2010. My Dad has been seeing this woman, Kathy, since my parents separated in July 2009 (and we're pretty sure before that too).
I took him to dinner for his b-day in December. He mentioned that he'd really like me to meet Kathy after the new year. He's very serious about her and said they will probably get married. He told me at dinner that he would probably be making her his benefactor soon. He said he understood how I felt, but to please let him know when I'm ready to meet her. I closed the conversation by telling him that I'd really like it to just be me and DH the first time we meet her. I don't want to involve my kids yet.
I know some of you must have gone through this before. How did it go? How did you cope with meeting this new person in your parent's life? This has all happened so fast and I'm really just not ready to meet her yet. We met him a few weeks ago for dinner and he asked me then if I minded if Kathy came. I just reiterated the not wanting to meet her with the kids there yet.
I know my mom is going to be really hurt whenever I do finally meet Kathy. This just sucks!
Re: Meeting Dad's Girlfriend
My Dad has been remarried for 22 years this May, so I can't speak to meeting the new girlfriend (as an adult). I will say that you shouldn't let your mom's feelings affect your thoughts about this woman. I know it's hard, but try to keep them separate. Also, you may want to mention to your mom that you're meeting her, so she doesn't feel like you're hiding something from her, but leave it at that. Don't engage your mom and tell her how it went, what the woman is like, etc.
My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom. I think cheating is disgusting and am a firm believer that you should end one relationship before starting another. I think it's terrible on the married person's part, as well as the other party, for doing it anyway even if the person is married. That's the part I would find hard to get past, and would make me angry at my dad and not want to meet the other woman at all.
However, you are obviously ok enough with your dad to be speaking to him and meeting him for dinner. If you're not that upset with him, you shouldn't be so upset with this woman that you can't meet her.
I understand wanting to meet her before your kids do though. I'm sure it will be hard for them to understand!
I'm really not okay with my Dad and the choices he's made now and in the past. I sort of get off easy because I don't have to see him often. I just try to keep it cordial and keep an emotional distance from him as much as I can.
My Dad is delusional. He has convinced himself that him leaving my mom had nothing to do with Kathy. It was all for him, he's been unhappy for years; he did this to make himself happy. Sound selfish? Yes, he is a very selfish, self-serving person. He has tried to tell me how Kathy is a good person, she had no idea he was married, and blah blah blah. I don't believe it. My sister has actually met her and says she's a bit cocky. Try as I might, I already have an opinion of her.
I thought that if he eventually married again, that I would be able to meet his new wife... have some sort of interaction with her. But it's just happening so quickly.
Trust me, I wouldn't be able to take my own advice LOL.
With your follow up, if you are still upset with your dad, and in turn this woman, then don't meet her until you're ready. It won't help anything if your disdain for her comes across so it's better to avoid the situation entirely!
I wouldn't write off what your dad is saying about not being happy, etc. Maybe this woman was the catalyst for leaving, but if he had been happy with your mom he wouldn't have been tempted to cheat. Sorry if that hurts to hear, but I do believe that. BUT, if he wasn't happy he should have left long before beginning a relationship with someone else. I am completely with you on that one.
I don't even know your dad and I don't buy the "she didn't know I was married bit." Yeah right. Just like my dad says that him and my stepmom were friends but were never in a relationship until my parents divorced. Right. That's why you were married 6 months later ahole. Do these dads just think we're dense or what?
Are you honest with your dad and telling him that you're not ready to meet her and that you're barely able to speak to him? Or does he think that for the most part everything is a-ok between the two of you?
And again, I wouldn't follow my own advice here IRL, but don't let your sister's opinion of this woman influence you.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Just popped over here from GP and saw this post.
I didn't grow up with my dad because he was in to some self destructive behaviors. In fact, I met him when I was 8 and saw him maybe once a year after that. All of that aside, we started building a relationship when I was in my early 20's because I felt like I was missing an entire culture and family. (he has 7 syblings and there are a total of 20 of us grandchildren) I'm 35 now. He turned his life around for the past say 14 years and I am very proud of him. Of course, our bond will never be like it would of been if he'd been there when I was young, but he did what he thought he needed to do to protect me while he was not a fit father.
I met his girlfriend he's been dating for about 4 years after I'd say he'd been dating her for a year or two. She is very nice, but I feel guilty for liking her. My mom passed away 3 years ago unexpectidely and I feel like she's up there sad that I like this women. Isn't guilt ugly?
As for your situation, being far different, I think you need to take your time and do it when you are ready. Not when your dad is ready for you to. There is no one that can tell us when the time is right or wrong.
Speak sweetly so that if you ever have to eat your words, they don't taste bad.
~Unknown~
Lesson learned!!
It's ok to not be ready to meet her. Your dad should respect that if you tell him gently that it's because you're not ready - not because of anything he did.
My parents split up about a year ago and both of my parents started dating almost immediately. (Which was not a good idea.) Anyway - while I haven't met any of their partners, my sisters both have. They said it was very weird and uncomfortable, but they're glad they did. They saw that they're each happier w/o the other parent, who was making them miserable for many years.
GL.
74 books read in 2011
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
When I was 9 my parents divorced and my dad re-married the woman he was havinging an affair on my mom with. They were together almost 10yrs before divorcing.
My dad started dating a new woman a year later, I was 20 when they started dating. My sister brother and I weren't ready to meet her at that time. It was 3yrs later that we were all ready to meet her and the three of us went together to have dinner. It was hard though and it took us 3yrs to actually be ready.
My best advice is to not rush yourself into meeting her if you don't think you're ready. I'm sure your dad will understand if right now isn't the right time for you.
I agree with PP...don't meet her until you're ready.
Basically, my parents divorced when I was about 21 or 22, and it was my dad who was still in love with my mom (which sounds like the opposite situation as yours). And my situation is a little different b/c I was living with my dad at the time, so he (kind of) had to bring the women he was dating around me.
But anyway, the only advice I can offer you based on my previous situation is to give it time. I didn't speak to my mom for 3 months after she left, so I can't even imagine how you feel about your dad essentially leaving your mom for another woman.
I'm so sorry...it's such a difficult situation. Best of luck to you.