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dealing with a frenemy
When we first moved into the neighborhood we met "C". Upon meeting her, C comes across very sweet & outgoing. Soon after I shortly realized that C doesn't have many friends and then I discovered over time that conversations I had with her were revealed to others...Silly, petty matters got reported back and were dissected and misconstrued. Add to this she is raising an entitled child who is a bully...and if C feels you disrespected her spoiled child or her in any way she can be spiteful. C herself is spoiled and used to getting her way.
Ex, last year C invited my child to her child's bday party. I politely told her we couldn't attend b/c we had another engagement that same day (which was the honest truth). Still I purchased her child a nice present and invited her to my child's bday party which followed a few weeks later. C said she couldn't make our party due to prior plans. Okay, no problem.
but I later find out 1) C felt we 'insulted' her child by not coming to the party and possibly drove by my house to check on us. 2) C did a tit for tat and lied about having plans for our party 3) C gave my daughter a regifted present left over from her child's previous party.
I also discovered through a mutual friend that C was hoping to hurt my feelings over another unrelated matter...a matter I thought we resolved and respectfuly agreed to disagree on. Apparently she felt disrespected once again and was hoping to stick it to me.
I can't be bothered with a friend like this. So when I discovered all this nonsense I maintained a consistent approach. I was polite to C when I ran into her but I never made plans for play dates or get togethers. I tried to maintain a safe distance hoping she'd eventually get the hint. I tried to avoid a confrontation because I know she can be a loose cannon and vindictive.
and then yesterday I got another invitation for this year's b-day party. I have no intentions of going nor any intentions of inviting her to our party....still I am hoping to avoid confrontation and keep things simple and peaceful.
How do I safely distance myself from her?
Re: dealing with a frenemy
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Decline the invitation. Don't give an excuse. "We simply can't" will suffice. Give the kid a modest gift to mollify the mother's feelings to the extent possible. Thereafter, continue your pattern of disengagement.
yes, that and the fact that she is probably realizing she is running out of friends.
I've introduced her to at least half a dozen people and every one of them did not like her (or her bully child) But she is too thick-headed to realize how she treats people.
What do I say if she does flat out confront me and ask if there is a problem?
What makes it sticky is that she not aware that I know about all the things she has said about me or done to spite me. A mutual friend told me these things.
I have no desire to be friends with a person like that but I'm also not looking to involve the 3rd person nor get into an ugly confrontation with someone who does not have all their screws on tight.
How does your child feel about c's child? (I don't know if your kids are old enough to vocalize their choice in friends).
I try very carefully to not allow my feelings for a person influence my children's choice of friends, and don't force my kids to play with a kid just b/c I'm friends with the mom.
I would not feel obligated to send my kid to a party at a neighbor's house, but unless I felt my child was in danger or the bully child was a really bad influence, I wouldn't keep them from a party they wanted to attend.
As for your relationship with C, I would just be too busy to hang out with her. Even some of my good friends I get too busy for. Stop telling her anything personal, tell her you refuse to listen to her talk about other people ("I really don't want to gossip about our neighbors - have you seen any good movies lately?"), and don't make time for her.
I also dont think a regifted gift from a birthday party is so bad if it's something your child would like. We got two sets of doubles of the same type of lego set for DS on his birthday - you can bet someone else will get legos, but we think it's a cool gift!
I haven't told her anything personal in well over a year. Shortly after I did open up to her I quickly learned about her ways and I immediately closed down and kept a polite distance.
Yes, my child is a little too young to realize what this other child is like but honestly she is a bully. The few mutual friends we have that also have younger children have all said C's kid is a spoiled bully brat and C does nothing to change that. In fact you're not allowed to say anything about her child, not even her husband is allowed to discipline her child.
I have nothing against regifting in general and have done it myself but this was a different matter...you see C is also prejudice on top of everything and the gift she gave my daugher was liked and well received but I was well aware that the reason she gave it was not b/c she had doubles but simple because she would never allow her daughter to play or wear anything with this character on it. I find that appalling.
meaning, I find that C is passing her ignorant prejudices onto her child appalling.
I read everyone's advice...Though C's child is a nightmare in her own right my issue is not with her but with her mom. I will nicely decline the invite and may give her child a small present just to be polite...but I will not be reciprocating any invitations. No need to keep up a fake friendship.
I don't plan on saying anything or involving the 3rd party (who is not exactly innocent in all this. I really didn't need to hear all this gossip about me but this 3rd party was dealing with her own issues with C and decided to let loose so to speak).
In any event I don't like or need the added drama. I'm going to continue to distance myself and I like the advice that if she ever asks what is the problem I will toss it back at her and ask her if she thinks there is one and see what she has to say on the matter.
Until then I will go on with my life with my real friends.
Thanks again.
ok, I just realized I have another question LOL...
taking everyone's advice I will continue to keep a safe polite distance but what do I say in the event C ever inquires about my child's party and asks me directly why I didn't invite her?
First, I would not give the child a gift, I think that's sending mixed messages about the status of your friendship.
Second, while she will hopefully get the hint, it sounds like she may not and you will have to chose between maintaining the pretense of a friendship or being honest that you don't see her that way anymore.
If she has the nerve to ask why she wasn't invited to your child's party, I would be honest but short, something to the effect of 'I don't feel like we're as close as we were'. You don't have to tell her anything from the 3rd party or call her out, just leave it at you've grown apart.
About the party - you can always say that you were keeping the party small, just having a few friends, only having school friends, only having close friends etc. I would have an off-site party (not at your house) if possible - like at a park.
I would also be hesitant to share with the 3rd party any details, or do anything like post on FB!
Thank you again.
Our party will not be at our house (I let my daughter pick a local place of her choice) but I like the idea that if I'm ever asked about it I could say we kept it small with classmates and/or close friends.
and I agree about posting on FB. I don't generally post info that I think could come across braggy or rubbing it in.
and yes, I'm also careful/cautious with the 3rd party (you know what they say about friends who talk about other friends...)
I try to keep things light..and things like Mommy & Me friends or neighborhood acquaintances should be light and fun. I don't like that I got caught up in nonsense such as this, there are bigger things in life to worry about but thanks to everyone's advice I'm hoping to keep it light and keep my distance in as neat a manner as possible.
This is so ridiculous. I honestly thought I'd be done with this silly catty stuff in high school...who knew Mommy friends could be as bad!
Well heck then, if your DD's party is at a public place other than your house, just tell C (if she asks) that she wasn't invited because you chose to just invite family. If C and her brat happen to show up at the party destination and see other kids there, just tell her your DD asked if she could have a few of her school friends along. Honestly you really don't "owe" her anything.
Smart call in not telling her anything personal. Just continue to do what you're doing in not going out of your way to run into her or have direct contact with her. Hopefully she'll eventually get the picture.
As for her parenting skills, it's a shame that she doesn't discipline, nor let her husband discipline the child. Too many people are so busy kissing their kids' azz and trying to be their friends that they forget how to teach them what's right and what's wrong. But what comes around goes around. She will find out the hard way when her DD turns 16 and starts bullying her and ends up in juvie because she always let her get away with everything as a kid. It will come back to bite her in the azz. Just laugh to yourself when it does and don't gossip about it to the others.