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MIL vent (so long that you shouldn't bother reading)
This is going to be super long. Honestly, no one has to read this I just need an outlet!! haha!
Ok, where to begin... My husband and I have been together for nearly 9 years, married for almost 1. I love his parents, I do, but sometimes his mother just gets these little jabs in at me. I try not to let it bother me and act like she means well but I'm starting to think she doesn't haha.
I'll admit that I'm a fairly reserved person around his family. I am so polite and friendly and chat with them but I don't let it all hang out and relax the way I do around my husband or my own family. If they ask me "oh what do you want for dinner?" or "which xyz would you rather do?" I'll just say it doesn't matter to me, whatever is best for them. I'm just like that, I guess I'm a people pleaser.
So, my husband and I just found out a few weeks ago that his company wants us to move to another country for a few years. Since we heard the news we have been weighing our options and discussing it in depth, and we finally decided to do it. We are really excited about it.
He told his parents after we made the decision. I'm not sure exactly what he said but he told them about it and I'm pretty sure he let them know that we made our decision.
Yesterday, my MIL called me to invite me over for dinner because she thought I was in town (We live a state away). Then we were just chatting and this was basically our convo:
MIL: "So, I heard about H's job"
me: "Oh yea it was a pretty big surprise but we're excited!"
MIL: "well it's a big decision y'all need to make sure you discuss it really well"
me: "we definitely have, and actually we made our decision- we're going to do it!"
MIL: "well I told H that he just needs to make sure that you're happy and comfortable"
me: "I know, he knows that, we would never make a decision we weren't comfortable with."
MIL: "well I know how quiet you are, I can just see you saying 'oh sure H whatever you want is fine with me'"
me, getting irritated: "Oh trust me, if it was something I didn't want to do, we wouldn't do it, it's too big of a decision."
MIL: "ok, we I just wanted to give you a little pep talk so you speak up and let him know what you want to do"
me: "haha well thank you, we have discussed it and we're doing it and we're really excited"
MIL: "Oh, you know I know it's your life and all but I was telling H that I think it would be a great idea for him to take you there before y'all decide anything"
me: "absolutely, that's already been planned, his company is paying for us to visit and pick a home, etc"
MIL: "yea, I was just telling him y'all definitely need to do that."
me: "we are. don't worry."
MIL: "yes, i think that would be a good idea."
me: "yep"
MIL: "ok well whatever you decide you know FIL and I are completely behind you"
me, getting angry: "Of course, I know that, we're excited about the move"
MIL: "I would hate to be in the room when your parents found out! haha!" (Idk where this even came from??!!)
me, really angry: "Oh, you know I already told them and they are excited for us!"
MIL: "Oh, ok well great!"
......and on and on and on!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOD I was so livid. She tells me to "speak up" but does NOT listen to me!!! I told her a zillion times the decision was made and she kept telling me to think about it before we decide. and talk about everything. ughhhhh i mean really.
maybe I am overreacting but her tone is so irritating and condescending and she does this thing where she likes for everything to be her idea. For example, going to see the place before we move, of COURSE we are!!!! But she wants us to know that SHE thinks we should. like she is the genius that came up with that. And how brilliant she was to think that maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to discuss the issue before making a decision. Oh gosh, what a great idea, why didn't we think of that?? AHHHHH ok I'm done.
If anyone actually read this, I commend you!!!
Re: MIL vent (so long that you shouldn't bother reading)
why did you let the conversation to continue? All you had to do was get up and go to the bathroom for five minutes; then come back and busy yourself by talking to the dh about something different.
EDIT sorry, thought you were in the same room together. On the phone? Please. "Someone's at the door!" adn get off.
At any rate, why in the hell did you continue that conversation with her?It was pointless, you knew you were talking in circles, yet you kept on answering her and giving her a reason to keep nagging. You can be a nice person and still stick up for yourself.
I don't think she said anything all that out of line.
And for goodness sake, offer up an opnion every now and then.
Wow. I can see how it would be annoying to answer the same question a bunch of times, but I didn't see anything really offensive about that conversation. She even said that they supported you guys whatever your decision. My MIL has a tendancy to repeat herself like that and it definately gets annoying but when I read some of the horror stories on here, I put myself in the lucky column (even if she has got more than a few bats in the belfry!).
I was expecting you to say she called you hysterical demanding to know how you could take her son away from her! I agree with pp, start speaking up a little more and she won't think you're such a doormat! GL and enjoy this opportunity! Where are you moving?
Fast forward your life 25 years, your son decides he's moving out of the country...might you have a hard time adjusting to the news, maybe not believe it right away, hope something changes to keep him in state, ask questions...
I say cut her some slack, she's disappointed
I understand what y'all are saying, I guess it's just her patronizing tone that bugs me. I can totally see how reading this conversation doesn't come across the same way that it actually sounded in the moment. Know what I mean?
I should also say, this isn't about the move. She has always been this way, but I used to not let it get to me. The problem is that I DO speak up, by saying "Yes we MADE the decision. The decision is made." But she doesn't acknowledge me.
Like I said, she has this need to be the one who came up with everything. It makes me feel like she's undermining me or patronizing me in some way. Hard to explain in words. It's like she doesn't respect my ability to be the "woman of the house" in my own house and make decisions with my husband on our own.
She has to get her opinion in there, so that if it's something we already agree with, it looks like she convinced us to agree with her, not that we decided on our own. Does that make sense??
Yes, I completely agree that reading it she sounds sweet and a little forgetful, but it's in this tone like "well, i'll tell you what i think about the whole thing. take MY advice. even if it is the same thing you were thinking, i just want you to know that I am the one telling you this." while being condescending at the same time. Sort of hearing what I say and blowing it off and saying ok well nevermind about that, listen to THIS.
Thanks for the good luck, we are moving to Trinidad:)
I can see how this conversation would be frustrating, but in her defense---you've known his family NINE YEARS and still aren't comfortable enough to choose a restaurant when they ask you? No wonder she's concerned that you're going to be miserable.
It's absolutely none of her business, and she should have dropped the subject. But I think this has more to do with the fact that she still doesn't know you well enough to take you at your word.
Maybe if you'd relaxed around them once or twice in the last nine years, she would have known you were being honest the first time you answered her.
That's a really good point. The problem(?) is that his parents are older and while I love them and really enjoy being around them and spending time with them, it's definitely a more formal relationship. Whereas my parents are younger and can maybe easily relate and are more laid back, his are a little more rigid and not as open.
Also, I am relaxed and at ease with them (wrong choice of words above) and they "know" me, but we'll never have a super close relationship like others might. That coupled with the fact that I feel like she's silently judging my every move, it's a little difficult to completely open up to her.
When she wants me to pick a restaurant (as an example) I say it doesn't matter because it truly doesn't matter to me. I want them to be happy and I'll be happy with whatever decision because it's not a big deal. The move IS a big deal, and it bugs me that she relates this decision to another petty one where I would answer "oh, whatever you want is fine with me!"
I know exactly what you mean and it drives me up the frickin wall!! I know a few people who do that. For example (my mom did this): I was walking to the mailbox to get the mail, and once she saw me going, she said, 'Oh yeah, why don't you get the mail?" I have a coworker who does this as well and it drives everyone nuts. You could be making copies and she'll walk by and say, "Yeah, you need to make copies of that." It's like they're trying to take credit for every single thing you do, and like you can't figure out things for yourself. Drives me crazy!
Haha I know it is sooo frustrating! I'm an intelligent person, I can make my own choices! When you think about it, it really is laughable that some people have a need to do this. I'm just grateful that I'm not one of those people.
Your MIL is an example of the "we teach people how to treat us" quote. You have been reserved with her for so many years, that put her in a dominant role and you in a submissive role. If you want things to change with her, you need to start voicing an opinion re: restaurant choice and other decisions. Why would you want to go to restaurant abc if you don't like it when you like restaurant xyz better? Just to make them happy? I mean, they should be happy 50% of the time, but so should you, right now they are happy 100% of the time. Just say, " I don't care for restaurant ABC, let's go to restaurant XYZ, and your DH should be on the same page with you.
I think your conversation went well in the beginning because you were assertive, but then it went wrong because it went on far too long. It just became a constant repetition over and over of the same berating questions from her and that got annoying, with good reason. When it came time to set boundaries, you failed, you didn't get off the phone, you let her walk all over you. When you started to get angry, you should have come up with an excuse to get off the phone. It was nonsensical to stay on the phone and listen to her BS.
Also, if she is this annoying to the point that she upsets you, takes jabs at you, is there any reason to talk with her on the phone? Let DH talk on the phone with her. Next time she calls, say Hi MIL, how are you? Oh, here is DH, Bye (nice and cheerful tone). Or, next time she calls, if DH is not there, "Oh, I can't talk right now, I am in the middle of something, I will have DH call you back." I never talk on the phone with my MIL, and on a rare occasion email her.
it irritates me to no end when people say something, you understand and answer, and then they feel the need to say 'i'm just saying...' yes-i heard and understand yuo the first time and don't need it repeated.
you handled it fine. don't worry about it.
Thanks everyone for the replies! I just need to chill, I honestly believe that no matter what I do she will just respond in the same way. Not worth the hassle and stress!! I know she loves me very much she's just a bit of a know-it-all:)
My MIL is similar and I try to be very nice and respectful because I don't think she's trying to be harmful or anything. But I understand the need to vent!
I moved across the country and then out of the country for my husband's job.
This was her response (both the first and second times we moved): "Where is DH taking you now?" That enrages me. Because if I didn't want to go, we wouldn't go. It was always my dream to live abroad. I'm not a dog on a leash.
And then, it's the same thing with giving all this unneeded, unasked for advice, all the time. You should do this. You should do that. Check into this. Really simple things. I don't know why she does it.
I love my MIL and am thankful she's very nice and 100% behind us no matter what we do. I stopped letting the little personality differences get to me so much and just shrug my shoulders now.
Trinidad - wow! That is so exciting.
Hi all (long-time lurker here, newbie poster - please be gentle)...
While I completely understand your annoyance, I bet you're smart enough to see that your conversation had nothing to do with you speaking up to DH. It was just a way for your MIL to scream "I'm so afraid of you all leaving!" without sounding like a complete maniac.
If you have an otherwise good relationship with her, perhaps this is a good time for you to be direct. Tell her that you understand her fears about you moving away, and reassure her that she is loved and important. Then, afterwards, it might be a good time to explain that this is an exciting time and you would love it if she could be excited for you, or just honest about her fears, instead of implying that you are being dragged around by her DS.
She may just be shy about expressing her sadness at the idea of you leaving. As much as I love traveling, and support it, I would be sad if it were my children too.
PS: Have an awesome time - living in a new country with your family is one of the coolest things you can possibly do. I'm really happy for all of you!