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What would you have done?
My grandma is moving out of the neighborhood she has been in since 1948 because the area is bad. My aunts and my dad met up to discuss logistics. They set the move date for a day in March which happens to be my birthday. Here's how the convo went:
aunt: move date is 3/XX
me: that's my birthday!
aunt: we need yours and your husbands help! can you celebrate on sunday?
me: we had plans to celebrate that day.
aunt: sorry to hear this. D was really counting on you. please call your grandmother and tell her you guys are not available to help her move.
me: no one ever asked us about moving. i will call her.
aunt: no response
me: i have to be honest. it's really frustrating that i was expected to help but no one discussed date with me. this happens frequently.
aunt: i'm sorry i was so abrupt. long emotional day. what i should have said is birthdays are special. Enjoy your day!
What would you have done? Give it to me straight. I am going to go on that day for a couple of hours and see my grandma for HER not for my aunts because I know its going to be emotional for her to move.
Re: What would you have done?
"If Grandma needs my help, that's fine. However, we will schedule the move based on a day convenient for everyone--I'm not going to change my plans based on something that was decided for/about me."
I probably also wouldn't go if it were going to impact my plans for the day.
The way you handled it was fine, but based on her response I'm guessing she thinks it's ok to plan other people's lives? The only way that will stop is when people stop catering to her (or them if others are doing it too), ie not doing whatever she/they dictate(s).
Your aunts were definitely wrong to set a date and expect you to be there without checking.
What I would have done? It would depend on what the plans were for me- a concert/something we had tickets to/a hotel or trip reservation, no I wouldn't have changed the plans. If it was a dinner out, or something to that extent I probably would have caved and rescheduled my plans. I tend to be a people-pleaser though, so I'm not saying that is the right thing.
There is PLENTY to do before the actual move though. Maybe you could go over a week or two before to help her clean/ sort/ box stuff up and spend some quality time with her? That would be just as helpful to them and your grandmother.
This. Find another way to help that doesn't screw up your birthday.
We didn't have anything too terribly excited planned. I just wanted to spend the day doing something other than moving. I was so pisssed that they set a date to move her and expected me to just "reschedule" my plans regardless if it is my birthday or not. I wanted to text her back and ask her if she would "reschedule" her plans if the move fell on day she had something going on.
Thanks for the responses. I was crazy mad about it and still am steaming a bit.
I think you did the right thing and yay to you for letting her know how you felt about it. I would have handled it in exactly the same way you did.
I find that even though we are adults, it can be tough to speak to our adult relatives this way now that we are not kids that have to obey. KWIM?
It was the first time that I have actually took a stand with an elder relative and it made me feel uncomfortable. I had to say something though because this continues to happen with them.
I think that's normal. I was raised to "respect your elders", which translates into, don't question them / don't speak up unless your opinion is asked of you. but at some point, we have to stop being the kids and demand we be treated properly. You handled it in a very fair and diplomatic way, so if she has a problem, then it's hers to deal with.
I think you handled it well and agree with the ladies who suggested you go assist in advance. Moving is stressful/overwhelming and I'm sure your grandma would appreciate help at any point between now and then.
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It sounds like it was scheduled before they started asking around for help. I think this is pretty normal for a move. Your aunt is probably frazeled and doesn't know who she talked to about the move and who didn't.
If you can help for a little while, I think that's great. I don't think you need to change your birthday plans though. I also think that if you can't make it at all because of plans you already have, your family has to be okay with that.
I think I would have done what you did... tell them that you hadn't been asked yet, talk to your Grandma, then go help for the amount of time that you can.