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1st time after newest baby...disappointment and guilt
This may be more for me to vent, but I need to get this out. Newest DS is 13wks old. Put off sex until now because for whatever reason have had very painful bm issues since I delivered-rectal tears and bleeding (sorry if tmi). I also have PPD and have recently started taking Zoloft again (had same issue after last DD was born) and I am a full-time college student so my stress level is fairly high as a bonus. Anyway- finally had a good couple of days with no pain in the backside and felt like I was ready to jump back into the sack, so to speak. DH (who has been dying for this) was thrilled, of course. Things started out pretty well w/ the foreplay, etc. But then when we started actually having sex- I don't know...
It has always been great, I enjoy sex w/ him very much and it usually feels amazing, but this time, maybe my VJ has been remodeled too much from the last childbirth?? It was verging on uncomfortable and I lost the mood- sll I could focus on was how it didn't feel right. DH was enjoying it quite well, and lube level was good, but along the upper side of my VJ it was almost sore feeling. Ended up stopping because I couldn't get into it. I have had 4 kids and this is the first time I have ever experienced anything like this after delivering and w/ most of them sex resumed closer to 6 weeks postpartum.
I feel disappointed and guilty that after making DH wait so long, I couldn't even finish the act. I just rolled over on my side and cried while he dozed off (he doesn't know)- I feel like it's my fault and like he deserved more, and I am pissed that my body is betraying me like this. I want to enjoy sex- I just don't know how to get there again...
Re: 1st time after newest baby...disappointment and guilt
I have no personal experience, but I have read that it can take a few tries before you start to enjoy it again and/or are comfortable enough to go until one or both finishes. I know you said that this has not been the case for you with the other 3, but maybe this time your body needs a little extra tlc. I can imagine it is still an emotional time, but I don't think it's anything to be upset about. I would give it some more tries and if you still don't have any luck after a couple months of trying I would bring it up to your obgyn.
I also have no personal experience as far as the health side of things go, but talk to your husband. Tell him that it's painful and it's not a lack of desire. He may be thinking that you are just not into him anymore. So clarify, communicate & get on the same page and then talk to your doctor! See if there's anything he/she can offer you in that department. . .
All the best!
I don't have any good advice about your problem since I have no children. I just want to say that it makes me really sad to read that you feel guilty "for making your H wait so long."
You just made a human being, pushed it out of your body and sustained significant injuries to some extremely sensitive areas. Take care of YOURSELF and do not feel guilty! See a doctor and tell your DH how you are feeling. I'm sure he will have more concern for you, your health and happiness than his penis right now.
Are you breastfeeding? I've heard that can cause a lot of hormone fluctuations that might be causing some issues. I would also advise you to not compare this to your other pregnancies/recoveries. Each pregnancy is different; you're a bit older now than with your last pregnancy and recovery may take longer.
To sum it up: give yourself a break! (and get to your OBGYN)
I don't have any good advice about your problem since I have no children. I just want to say that it makes me really sad to read that you feel guilty "for making your H wait so long."
You just made a human being, pushed it out of your body and sustained significant injuries to some extremely sensitive areas. Take care of YOURSELF and do not feel guilty! See a doctor and tell your DH how you are feeling. I'm sure he will have more concern for you, your health and happiness than his penis right now.
This.
You just had a baby and from what it sounds like significant tearing and you're surprised it hurts? You can't be that dumb. Last week I had my first pain free post partum sexing and my kid is 6 months old.
If it persists and doesn't get better with time then see your doctor. There are things that can go wrong with healing.
Just wanted to send you a virtual 'hug.' After all the crap you've been through (and are still going through), I bet you were really looking forward to the return of this one good thing. You and your husband have obviously had a great sex life in the past, and now it's just one more source of pain and discomfort. What a slap in the face.
No guilt needed on your part, that goes without saying. Your DH will be just fine waiting a while longer for your body to heal completely. Hopefully you will be too - as long as you can get your head around the fact that this is an annoying time, but pretty damn normal, and not something you can rush. There's even a silver lining - penetrative sex is off-limits, which makes your bedroom a fore-play only zone. Kinda makes you feel like a teenager again, if you and your husband can enjoy the 'game' of it :-)
Good luck, you're definitely not alone, and you're definitely not going to feel like this forever! PS: Yeah, you have been 'remodelled' - that's childbirth for ya! But you'll heal, guaranteed.
Really, your "VJ"? Could you please be more sophisticated?
And could you please try communicating? Start with your H and also your doc. perhaps your problem is due to a hormonal fluctuation or maybe it's the 4 kids factor. (and just for the record, a vagina is not "remodeled" after a delivery)
Ugh. What I am going to say is not good news, but I've been exactly where you are and wanted to say that you aren't alone! I had the exact problem after having my first (who is now 5). It took a YEAR...literally an entire year before it stopped hurting. I am not sure what happened (I had tearing when birthing my second and never experienced the pain I had with my first), but I felt almost bruised for a year. I also had the "BM issues" you mentioned and fissures after having him, and that lasted a very painful and awful 9 months. It took a very uncomfortable trip to my doctor and a script for Anamantle HC Forte (which hurt likeabitch, but worked) in order to clear up that issue. Just be open with your husband about it, no matter how embarrassed you are, and go see your doc. Keep in mind that every birth is different, and what you're experiencing is totally normal and happens to tons of women!
OH, AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Could you be more sensitive PLEASE!
Clearly this is something that is bothering her and you asking her to be more sophisitcated and judging her comments is rude.
Maybe not being so snarky is something you could work on!
OP, my best advice talk to YH. After all you are a team and I'm sure if he knew how you felt he want to help so you could figure out what the problem is together.
Good Luck {big hug}
Nothing at all wrong with communication -- communication is a must.
If you are not happy, tell your partner!
If she sits and says nothing the problem will remain the same -- and ditto for the communication with her doc. If it's a hormonal problem, it can be fixed.
Something tells me that if he's this self-centered and uncaring in bed, he probably isn't a super good father or husband either. And if you're running your tail off taking care of three kids and a newborn, I'm not surprised that your vaginal area isn't completely healed from childbirth yet - especially with the severity of the tears it sounds like you had. Stop worrying about satisfying your husband, and instead worry more about taking care of yourself. If your husband wants sex that badly, tell him to help you out more so that you can heal.
Keep your head up - seriously and I agree with the others, communication is key here. No feeling bad about yourself! You've been through a lot and are still going through a lot.
Another thing to keep in mind, if you're taking Zoloft, I took it years back and one side affect is it takes away your sex drive. Might also want to talk with your doc and ask if there's anything you can do since this can be a main factor.
Good luck!!!
WOW!!! Was that really necessary??? Some of you b*****s are well...b*****s. And your siggy says "trying to conceive #1??? TIA!!!