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Family Help
Im a male looking for help.
I am devoted to my wife and family more than words could express. Recently I have felt that my wife is distancing herself from me. She argues with me more and is very short with me. I also believe that there may be something going on with one of her coworkers. She has never been a "going out" person for our 5 years together. She recently began saying she wants to go out with her friends from work, while I stay home with the baby or she gets a sitter (while Im at work). I asked her, and naturally she said no.
I recognize that this is my one sided point of view, thus it would appear biased towards me. I bring her flowers at least weekly and leave notes around the house telling her how much I love her. I clean the house while she is at work, take care of the baby while she comes home and sleeps (eventhough the baby is up all night)
I am seeking help. Please help me save my marriage. I cannot lose the love of my life.
Re: Family Help
Baby is 18 months.
Things are stressful, LO has been sick a lot. She adores the LO but does not seem interested in being a wife anymore, or at least my wife?!
She was yelling at me the other day and said "You are a worthless piece of s**t, no wonder your first wife left you". Then went on to tell me that, "all you are to me is a babysitter who helps pay the bills". O yeah, and that was the day before my birthday too.
(LO equals little one, right?!)
I don't know what is going on. I would need more information about why you suspect a coworker affair before weighing in on that.
However, I am very sorry that she spoke to you that way. I've been there, I've been yelled at like that in relationships. But it is just wrong. She should not speak to you like that, it is very damaging.
I think if she is yelling at you like that, and that is what she is saying, and she has been pulling away, it might be over...
She's got no right to speak to you -- or to anyone -- that way.
You need to sit her down and tell her point blank that speaking to you like you're a worthless skivvy ends and ends as of now.
While you're at it, open the dialogue for what's happening -- address the fact that she doesn't seem to be around much for you anymore -- she owes you an explanation.
THERAPY. Lots and lots of therapy is what I suggest. Individual and couples for both you and your wife. It is obvious that there are some big issues in play here. More than I can address in this forum. But I can tell, you both have multiple big, harming issues dying to be taken care of.
I have another question.
Am I out of line in thinking that having a 20 minute Facebook Status conversation with co-workers at 10:30 at night, while we are getting ready to go to bed, is out of line? Additionally, on our one date a month I have tried to establish (get a sitter, go to dinner and a movie) she spent the majority of the time on her smart phone texting and facebooking?! Sadly, on my birthday, 2/13, 262 people wished me a happy birthday. She was not one. Today, 2/14. I left her a sentimental note on her Facebook Wall. I got nothing. However, a female friend of hers from work had posted earlier in the day that she needed a valentine and my wife replied, Will you be my valentine
? I mean really, no birthday gift, no VDay gift no anything?!
What can I do to save my marriage. I will be calling a therapist in the morning, but with our tight budget Im not sure its financially feasible.
PLEASE HELP ME
Why are you letting her treat you this way? She verbally abusing you, and now she is ignoring you on date nights, valentine's day and your own birthday? This isn't healthy. She is obviously unhappy. She is obviously uninterested in you and neglecting you. The more you post, the more I am sure she wants out and you can't get a clue. You need to accept the fact that she might be completely done with being married to you, and wants you to end it.
You have more than you two to think of. You have your LO that is being directly effected by this unhealthy and unhappy behavior. Even if you confront her and she says it's over, you need to find room in your budget to go to counseling, so you can be healthy and happy for your LO even if she isn't.
Also, to answer your question, I would find it suspicious if my SO was talking to a co-worker late at night, but I wouldn't find it out of line. I can be on the jealous side, and my SO knows it, so he purposely doesn't hide anything from me so I don't get the wrong clue. If I feel irked with any online conversation he is having I can walk up to him and say "What chu doin'?" he will tell me exactly what is up, which helps. But based on your posts, I think that you and your W have lost the communication that it takes to do that.
To your follow up post:
I don't think it is out of line, necessarily, to have a 20 minute Facebook thing (IM chat, or just posting back and forth on someone's wall?). It would depend on the content of the posts.
All of it together though--ignoring you on date nights, not acknowledging your birthday or Valentine's Day, passive aggressively asking her female friend to be her Valentine--I must tell you that I think your marriage is over, or at least very damaged.
Have you actually talked about going to counseling with her? Do you know if she is willing to go? Because if she isn't, there is nothing you can do to save your marriage- you can't do it on your own. Even if she is willing to go, I don't know if believing one's spouse is a worthless piece of $hit is something that can be worked on, and if my husband ever spoke to me like that, I don't think I could get over it.
I know you want this to work out for the sake of your child, and there's certainly nothing wrong with giving counseling a try, but I hope you have a ceiling for how much mistreatment you are willing to put up with and that you will get out if it reaches that point. Yes, it's best for your kid if her parents stay together and love each other. But it's not good for her if you stay together and there's verbal and emotional abuse going on.
I wanted to weigh in on low cost therapy options. If you live near a college or university that has a counseling program, many of them offer free or reduced fee therapy sessions (individual and couple) to the community. They are training centers for graduate students wanting to be counselors, psychologists, social workers. All of the counseling is monitored for quality.
You can also call your county board of mental health, they can refer you to free, sliding scale, and/or low cost therapy options in your area.
Best wishes for you, your little one, your wife, and your marriage.
well it does seem like she has some issues but it also seems thay you're kind of smothering and folliwng her every step. if you dnt want her facebookign/texting at dinner (i dont blame you-dh and i both hate it) tell her that. ask her to stop. ask her what' so important that she can't wait until after dinner?
as for the FBing before bed. is it weird? yes and no-depends on the situation. general questions like that aren't any good.
it also seems like your lives are REALLY REALLY REALLY routined. once a month date? cute but when it's always dinner and a movie-repetatively boring. when you do the same thigns every day? boring. change it up a bit. perhaps she's getting bored-hey-it's nothing personal but life can get boring sometimes and you hav to work on making it unboring.
also-seeing as to how she spoke to you-next time leave her a note telling her to shove her nasty comments instead of the lovey ones. so she is a jerk to you and walks all over you and you still insist on letting it continue. bad.
counseling-individual and couples-pronto!
There are also therapists who accept medical insurance. It might take a little research but can probably find someone who will fit into your budget.
Even if your wife isn't willing to go to counseling, I think individual counseling for you would help immensely. It sounds like she has really worn you down and seeing a counselor can help you sort out your feelings, help you learn how best to deal with and respond to her, and to figure out if trying to save your marriage is really the best thing for you to do. In my opinion, and based on experience with my parents, staying together for the kids isn't always what's going to be best for them. It's hard to raise your children in a loving environment in which they feel safe and secure with that much animosity between mom and dad.
I agree greatly with this post. First off, check with your insurance, may cover a portion, my DH's does. You may also find someone for free through the state. Also many insurances supply 5-6 free sessions for family counseling.
I am curious, how was your marriage before LO came along? Similar to this or is this a complete change? It its the latter, it seems to me its PPD or at least some chemical imbalance. I have known women to develop mental instability following pregnancy and need to be on medication and it is a night and day difference when on and off those meds.