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Still stewing over Chrismas and BF's family (Sorry long)
My BF and I were together for over a year and then broke up for a couple of months (Oct. and Nov.) He went to a psychiatrist and we had many long late night talks about everything that went on between us. We were in a relationship again shortly after Thanksgiving. Things have been wonderful ever since except for what happened at Christmas.
I was all set to go to my parent's house for Christmas and my BF was going to stay home because he couldn't get time off of work to go see his parent's who live about an hour away from my parents. At the time, my BF was getting out of a depressed period and his family had bought him a plane ticket as a gift so he was sort of forced to go see his family. He scrambled to get his shifts covered at work and he went to see his parents.
We decided we wanted to spend Christmas together since we were back together and would be close to one another. Both of our families do presents and gift opening on Christmas Eve usually, but this year my parents did all that on Christmas day so I could spend time with my BF and his family. My parents also wanted my BF to spend Christmas with us because they consider him a SIL already and had bought him a gift.
Side note: My family never knew that we broke up because I don't talk to them about
things like that. His family knew because they are all on Facebook and
he told them. Also, we share a bank account so we went Christmas shopping together for both of our families. He has more gifts to buy than I do and originally was not going to get his family anything, but I convinced him to go out and get them a little something since we didn't get them anything last year.
I was never extended an invitation to spend Christmas with his family. I was fine with that originally because he had not seen his family in a long time and figured they wanted a family only event. Plus, I was going to see them all on Christmas day when I had to pick up my BF since he was without a car.
So I go to my BF parent's house on Christmas day to pick him up to take him to my parent's house to have Christmas. I walk in and they are all eating a Christmas dinner. My BF and I walk to the bedroom to get his things since he would be spending the night with me and his mom and sister give me a couple of gifts and say, "here you go" as I'm standing in the hallway. I say thank you because I was not expecting to get anything from them. Last year they gave me gifts when my BF and I were together.
I open up the gifts standing up in the living room while everyone was eating dinner and no one was really talking to me except for his mom and sister. My BF's step dad asked if I wanted dinner and said no because we would be eating at my parent's house in an hour. My BF decided to eat a little dinner at his parent's house before we left because he didn't want to be rude so I waited till he was finished. Then we left.
These are my problems with this situation
1. I was not invited to spend Christmas with his family
2. I feel like his mom and sis gave me gifts to be polite since my BF put both our names on the gift tags. They went out the day before and rushed to buy me something because they knew I would come over to pick up my BF.
3. No one ever said thank you to me for the gifts.
4. His sister took a picture of her and me and later posted all the picture she took of Christmas on Facebook. That picture was never posted. I'm thinking she thought it was a bad picture of her so I understand if that's the case, but I thought it was a good picture.
5. You ever walk into a room and get a feeling? I had a very tense feeling while I was there. It just seemed like his family was not as open to me as they once were.
I've spoken to my BF about this and he said I'm reading too much into things and his family likes me so I dropped it. I tend to over-analyze situations. However, this is still in my mind and I want to know if I'm being over sensitive about it and should just get over it. I'm not going to confront his family or him about it now, but I want some input into the situation. I spoke to one of my friends when it happened and she said that its my BF's fault for not letting his family know that we were really back together and would be spending Christmas together.
Re: Still stewing over Chrismas and BF's family (Sorry long)
You're being oversensitive about it. And a bit self-centered. Gee, they didn't invite you to spend Christmas with them when they knew you were going to be with your family and /or thought you were broken up with your BF? Horrors! They didn't spend days agonizing over the perfect gift for you? At least they got you something--which they didn't have to do.
You're seriously upset because of a picture that WASN'T posted on FB?
And ditto to your friend, who said it's your BF's fault for not letting them know you were back together. Why would they invite you to Christmas or spend days shopping for you if they thought you and your BF weren't together?
I agree w/ dirtyred and your friend. I think this is more on your BF than you want to admit. Or perhaps even know. Did he clearly explain the plans for the weekend to them? Or at the last minute, did he say "oh- haisil will be here to pick me up in a few". The fact they were eating dinner and he felt he had to eat something small to be polite - it really makes me wonder if they really even knew he was going to leave!
On the self-centered front - I'll give you this: it's easy to get caught up in the "me me me" of a situation, especially when you're upset, feel that something isn't right. The challenge, though, is to really step back and try to see things from other people's perception/ from other angles. Add in other possible details.
Example: You think that they got you a gift at the last minute because your name was on the gift to them. However, going back to what I just wrote, maybe they got a gift at the last minute because they had just found out you were coming by!
And all this aside, they knew about the break-up and they probably have concerns about you and/or the relationship. They aren't necessarily going to be all warm and fuzzy yet. You and your BF have to accept that and work with it.
But again- I think you need to try and take a step back and look at all of this through a different lens and factor in details you may not have thought about before.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So your BF's family knew you broke up because he told them all on Facebook? IMO, that is not a cool thing to do at all. I would need to know what other details he confided in them about you, if any, such as any problems he was having with you, why he broke up with you, etc. It would not be good for him to talk about you to his family, because then they would not view you in a positive way, as good girlfriend or future wife material for their son or brother.
He needs to stop talking any trash about you to family and friends, and its good that he is seeing a professional. You did get vibes from his family that they were not as friendly and open as before the breakup and that's probably why.
They did not thank you for your gifts to them. That was rude of them. If I don't get a thank you from someone for a gift, then just give them a card in the future, or something very small.
You say you were not invited to spend Christmas with them this year. Were you invited to spend Christmas with them last year?
I think it's wrong to compare your family to his - his knew that you had broken up, yours did not. Also, you said that your BF's trip was extremely last-minute - he found shifts last minute, purchased gifts last minute. If his family wasn't expecting to see you, why would they get you a gift before Christmas?
I also think that your pick up time was poorly planned (which falls on BF). It's not their fault that you arrived at dinnertime. He could have easily asked his family to have you for appetizers before your left (which would mean you would have to arrive earlier), or made it clear that he was leaving at 6 pm, so he would not be eating dinner. It seems he left everything very last minute. And some people aren't planners (like your BF) - but when that happens, you can't get angry that the world didn't accomodate you and his last-minute plans.
Without blaming your BFs family, I would ask your BF if his family knows where you stand with them - are they angry at you for the break up? Do they recognize that his mental illness was a large part of the problem (or do they think you should have stood by him)? Do they understand that you are together now?
You need to move on for many reasons:
1) It may not seem that way to you but to his family, you are in an 'on-again, off-again' relationship and just started being 'on-again' in November. Not extending an invitation to a big family dinner to a sometimes GF is not a personal slight.
2) They gave you gifts- how can you turn that into an insult?
3) They probably said 'Thank you' for the gifts to your BF and did not think to stop eating their Cmas dinner just to gush profusely about how much they LOVED the gifts when they already said thank you to the family member that gave them.
4) If I don't like a picture of myself, it doesn't make it to FB. It doesn't matter who the other person in the pic is- if I look bad, there's no way I'm sharing it.
5) Again, you an 'on-again, off-again' girlfriend and you'd been with your BF for a month at that point.
You ARE over-analyzing this and you ARE being overly sensitive. You just need to get over it and move on!
An American Girl's Travels
You seem like a nice person and all of this is very clear from your point of view. But I'm baffled at how you've completely missed the point that you were very rude. You completely intruded in on their Christmas dinner and disrupted a trip they planned and paid for to suite your own wishes. I can appreciate that you are "back on" with your boyfriend and wanted to spend the holiday together but you did so at their expense. And to add insult to injury, you got exactly what you wanted - the holiday with your BF, the meal at your parent's house, gifts from them - but you maintain that you've been insulted and treated unfairly and got a negative "feeling" from them. What the? Perhaps they just wanted a nice family holiday as a boost to them and to their depressed son/brother who's had a rough year, including your break-up without hosting his girlfriend, too. Aren't they allowed to want that? Is that wrong? They seemed to roll with the change of plans, but my family would have been very annoyed if I walked-out of Christmas dinner because my BF was picking me up, and they wouldn't have run-out and bought him any presents or gushed a thank you because his name was on the cards I attached to their gifts.
And I'm positively shocked that you place all of the blame for your hurt feelings on his parents and sister and completely let your BF off the hook. He did nothing to include you in his family's celebration, timed the pick-up at badly, and he is completley responsible for walking-out on his family. Yet, you don't hold him responsible for any of it - even when it was clearly pointed out to you by your friend. Why is that?
His family didn't invite you for xmas because you two had been broken up, and things were rocky. They got you gifts anyway because they weren't sure if they'd run into you or see you over xmas and didn't want to be empty handed (you didn't get THEM anything, which tells me you didn't consider you'd be seeing them). Your bf not telling them every detail of your breakup is not surprisiing, and they just didn't know what to do.
This is nothing. Stop obsessing about it. It was an awkward holiday because the two of you were broken up; and that's all.
I agree with sue sue. You are making something out of nothing.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
How weird is that? It's saying that the OP made this post, rather than me.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Strange!! Nest hiccups I guess.
aside of the christmas stuffl:
1) why doesn't he have a car
2) why do you have joint bank accounts
3) why did you have to convince him to buy his family presents
4) you didn't tell your family taht you broke up with your BF because you 'dont talk tot hem about that stuff'. what does that mean? you told them that you had a BF but then never said that you broke up? why?
5) how old are you.? how old is he? how long have you been dating?
livinitup said it very well.
You were amazingly rude to his family. And I'd be wondering why your boyfriend didn't think it was important to mention to his family that you two were back together again.......maybe he already knows it's not going to stay that way for long?
boyfriend probably told them the breakup was your fault.
and they bought you presents? consider yourself lucky. some people don't get anything for christmas, birthdays, etc from their SO's family. so quit being a brat
My Shopping Blog
I am wondering the same thing as alithebride!
Why do you have a bank account together? Your relationship doesn't seems stable enough to have a bank account together... for goodness sakes you just got back together.
Your family considers him a SIL? Come on! Stop playing hose and marriage, you have been together for a year. If your family already considers him a SIL are they wondering why he hasn?t come around to asking you to marry him?
I think this relationship will see its course sooner than later.
And remember his family thought they weren't seeing you so his mom and sis going out last minute to get gifts would generally be considered really thoughtful.