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Be a housewife?
After much discussion with my newlywed spouse, I recently quit my job due to harassment in the workplace. Long story short, I feel so much relief not having to go there every day... still having nightmares about it! Now I'm left wondering what's next. We just married, husband is back to work, and I'm home with our pets. We don't have any children yet, and I plan to continue my birth control for another 8 months or so. I haven't had much luck in my search for a new job, and honestly hate the thought of going back to what I was doing. My husband continues to comment on how much he likes having me at home. He says he just wants me to be happy, but loves the thought of me being at stay-at-home-mom, working from home, or simply being a housewife. After all, we are better off now (financially) then we were when I was working! I was spending more money in gasoline then I was making, among paying for health insurance and other expenses related to my job. Now, our house is always clean, dishes done, pets are happy... I have to admit that it is nice. My mother-in-law doesn't even know that I quit my job and would absolutely FLIP if she found out. Last time I was looking for a job, she took a copy of my resume without my consent and sent it out e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. It was a nightmare! I don't know what to do...
Does anyone have an opinion on being a housewife? Being a stay-at-home-mom? Or working from home?
Re: Be a housewife?
Ugh, the only problems I see here are that you were harassed out of the workplace and that your MIL needs to be told to step off, possibly by your DH. Since it sounds like you have come to terms with the workplace thing, I would take some of your free time today or whenever and go to the library or bookstore to read up about setting boundaries with family.
It is not your MIL's job to micromanage your lives. You need to figure out how to get her to be okay with your decisions.
As for SAH, that's totally fine so long as you and your H are happy with it. You may want to look into groups/hobbies that would interest you. You can pick up an easy PT job for a while (more as a hobby than as a paycheck) or even start a business. The world is your oyster.
I kind of dream of being a housewife....
I've actually thought to myself about what would I do if I didn't need to work. I would absolutely quit. I don't really like what I do.
BUT - I also couldn't just be a housewife either (well, I have a child, so there's that.
). My point, though, being that if I had "nothing" to do at home other than take care of the house, I would take classes, get a fun PT job, or volunteer. I'd want to do something productive w/ my time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for the feedback
. Not sure what to do about my MIL. She has always been like this and probably always will. She gets upset if we make any decision without consulting her; from a simple day trip to an amusement park, to making the big decision to get married. My DH has talked to her many times, but it always ends in argument. Right now, we're just trying to keep conversation to a minimum because it's not worth the fight.
I think I may start searching on how to make money from home. It works for us, our household just functions better. We're happy... I guess I just wish that she would be happy knowing that we are happy.
First, DH needs to stop "talking" to her. It only gives her room to argue and feel she has a stand. Which I think you all already realize.
Past that, remove her from the equation. Share as little w/ her as necessary. And limit her access to your personal things (HOW did she get your resume?)!
She's going to get upset, but your responses need to be along the lines of "I understand you're upset, but this isn't your concern". "We respect your opinion but we dont' agree w/ it.". Period. Don't explain WHY you're not sharing w/ her. She knows. really, she knows. but if you try to explain "we didn't tell you about __ because you did ___ last time", it's going to turn into an arguement.
If you just back off and stop sharing w/ her, she's going to know why.
And really- to something like sending out your resume for you, I think your DH needs to move to action. He needs to really back away from her for a period of time. She gets upset at that? "You invaded our privacy and as such, I really can't be around you right now.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If it's working out for you and your DH, keep at it. You may get to a point where you want to take some classes or do some volunteer work, and you'll have some flexibility to do so.
I have a PhD and quit working last year to be a SAHM to my daughter. I do freelancde work whenever my former company needs me, but it's 8-10 hours a week, max. It lets me keep my hand in things while still being able to watch DD.
IMO you and your DH need to corral your MIL now before she gets out of control.
GL
Our little Irish rose came to us on March 5, 2010
Don't drink the water.
Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
If you're happy with your life, then keep doing what you're doing - you don't need to have anyone's blessing (certainly not your MIL's, I'm just going to skip how unhealthily enmeshed I think that you and your H are with her). What anyone on line thinks about your decision isn't important.
But since you asked, I bet it's a decision you might regret in 5-10 years, when you realize that your entire identity is wrapped up in your home and children, and you don't know even where to start finding "you" again.
Her "always being this way" doesn't excuse her. I would be asking him why her feelings matter more to him than yours. I would tell him that her sending out your resume IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Honestly, to a degree, you need to make him more afraid of YOU than her! AND you need to find a solution to this now, BEFORE you have kids. You think it's bad now? Kids will only make it a million times worse.
You need to have a come to Jesus talk w/ your DH.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your MIL sounds like my mom, who, if I let her, would gladly make every single decision for DH and I. First, I tell her limited information. Second, when she interferes I stop her! I tell her, "This is a decision for DH and I to make." I repeat as necessary, even if it is 10 times before she shuts up! I don't expect my husband to deal with her. I manage my own mother. On her recent visit I went to far as to list 4 topics that were off limits. WHen she brought one up, even though she said, "I know you said we couldn't talk about this," I cut her off and reminded her that I know more about what goes on in my marriage because I'm in it. I'm rambling here, but you get the point...
As for being a SAHW...I think you need to really consider whether that is mentally stimulating enough for you. Housework and dog walking are all important tasks for running a household, but is it interesting enough to keep you challenged and prevent you from getting bored? I was a SAHW when we moved overseas for a time and I was miserable! So bored after about 2 weeks and it really took its toll on my emotional health, which in turn began to take its toll on my marriage.
I think it is all fine and well that your DH is supportive. What man wouldn't love to come home to a happy, rested wife who puts a full fresh dinner on the table? But this isn't the 1950s and you really do get to choose what will fulfill YOU as a person, and not just as a wife.
Wishing you luck in your journey.
MIL is the buzzkill. DH or you need to tell her that her "helicopter parenting" (sending out your resumes?!?!?!!!!!!!!) will end up destroying the relationship between son and mother (don't say it will kill your marriage... she'll feel like she gets her son back). Stick with emails when you or him if there is a potential to blow up by accident.
Sounds like she needs a hobby, STAT. Maybe it's time to make some suggestions to her. Is there a local agency/company that helps the unemployed, returning veterans, low-income, or whatever, get jobs? Maybe she can help make resumes there and explain where to go apply jobs!
I recently quit my job as well for a variety of reasons. I also spent tons of money commuting (70 minutes each way) and realized the job was just not a good fit anymore. Plus, there is a significant chance that DH's job will be relocating us in the coming months.
My MIL was literally wide-eyed when I told her, and she immediately started asking me what "the plan" was. MH and I have always dreamed of having children and me staying home with them. Right now, we don't have any children and we won't be trying for another few months but I am absolutely -loving- being a stay at home wife. I can spend my time on hobbies, visiting my sisters, reading and doing other things that are stimulating and fulfilling for me.
Like previous posters have mentioned, make sure you are doing things that encourage you to grow and still be an independent thinker- don't fall into the "watching soaps and eating bon-bon's" stereotype of a housewife
If your husband supports your decision and you are both happy and fulfilled, that is the most important thing!
TTC since 2008
Me-29, paracentric inversion resulting in egg quality issues and higher instance of miscarriage. All other b/w normal. HSG/SIS- all clear
Lap 2/14 to remove cysts/endo
DH-31, S/A normal
Injects+intercourse=fail, Injects+IUI=fail
saving up for IVF
PAIF/SAIF welcome!
Do what works for you.
People are going to judge you and ask you what you do with your day. If you can handle it the judgmental stares and the pity some give you I think you'll be fine. I never found myself just sitting down and watching soaps- FWIW I felt I worked harder ( and smarter) when I stayed home. Between LO, cleaning, cooking, errands and house maintenance ( i.e. painting, organizing ect) I was pretty busy.
I was unemployed for most of last year. I started looking then I stopped and DH commented on how he like me being home. I've gone back to work and for a while DH didn't really like. He would like if I stayed home or only worked PT. Like you, I spend more getting to work than I make . My income from my job is not really worth much.
I'm on the fence about what I really want to do. I like staying home but I dislike the financial dependence ( i'm only referring to the idea that something should happen to H). Yes, we have savings, an e-fund and insurance but still that worries me. I also enjoy the social aspects of work. I took LO to all sorts of things but found it hard to meet people and to get in true socializing.
Being a housewife myself, I am in full support of fellow housewives! It can be very fulfilling as long as you keep yourself busy with productive things. Me and my husband both agreed that things run more smoothly with me at home. He owns his own company and works long hours with much stress. By keeping the house clean, having his laundry done, and preparing delicious meals he feels like he can come home and relax. When we both worked full time jobs, we shared the workload at home and we're both very cranky. Now we couldn't be happier!
Just be sure not to let yourself become anti social or isolated. I try to plan things with my girlfriends throughout the week, and visit my mom frequently. I've actually found myself being more sociable than I ever was when I worked full time. And try not to let you MIL get to you, and especially don't let her affect your decisions! Wish you well in what you decide.
Having been on both sides of the fence (SAH and working 9-5) I felt compelled to comment. First of all, you need to have a little sit-down with MIL like asap! That is NOT okay!! You and your husband are grown adults, and the two of you decide what is best...not her! Second of all, staying at home is great, as long as you are not just taking care of pets and home. While these things are important, like other people said, you need your own identity and origin of self-worth.
This can mean taking yoga classes or an art class every week, learning a new language, volunteering or turning a beloved hobby into a little paying gig (photography, sewing, etc.). Most of my working female friends tell me they're jealous of me since I get to stay home, while I often think about returning to the workforce. Everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side. There are pros and cons to each. DH and I don't have children yet either, but we plan to, and honestly being a mother is top priority right now.
We have to work VERY hard at building a family due to infertility, so the last thing I want to do is go off and work full time once we are blessed with a child. But that's just me. Some women prefer to work, others prefer to stay home with their kids. Personally, I was a latch key kid and was neglected to the point where my personal safety was constantly jeopardized, so I'm not about to do that to my child (or throw them in daycare for that matter). Again, this is just my personal view. Bottom line is do what you feel is best: either work or stay at home. Just don't resign yourself to thinking staying at home is washing dishes 24/7. You're worth more than that, and you need to make MIL see that too!