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Need advice - first post
First post so I'll try to make it succinct.
Since the beginning of our relationship, my MIL and I have had issues, but we have gotten past them and worked them out. It has been rocky, but we have both learned how to handle each other.
My H and I currently live about 90 minutes from my ILs and we have had to set boundaries with them.
The area of advice where I need help is this:
I have accepted a new job back in my home state near my parents. (8 hours away from where we currently live). This is a GREAT step in my career and my H and I are so excited about.
We are going on Sunday to tell my ILs about the move and I am worried on how she will react. In the past, she has gotten very nasty in our fights and I am afraid how she will react now. Ever since we got married, she has done this "I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my son if you ever move stuff". Yes, we have set boundaries, but she is a very bipolar lady and always gets very dramatic. We both have always made it known that we wanted to move back to my homestate.
She will tell you she is crazy and I have learned to let her comments roll off my back, however, they recently lost their house to a fire and I am really afraid this could set her off again.
I have been told to sit back, keep my mouth shut and let my H do the talking.
Is this the right thing to do?
Re: Need advice - first post
Let your H do the talking and do not engage her if/when she goes into hysterics about the move. If she tries to start something, you guys should excuse yourselves "Mom, I can see you're really upset, we'll talk more later when you're feeling a bit more calm." and go home.
Has your MIL actually been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, or are you just tossing that term around to suit you?
Sorry, pet peeve of mine.
This is where your husband needs to find his spine and use it. If you think that this is going to cause a huge dramatic fight, then stay home and let your husband go and break the news to his parents without you. Make sure that your husband understands that he doesn't owe them an apology, or an explanation, and shouldn't allow himself to be scolded for it. It is the decision that the two of you made, and they don't have to like it. He can remind them of things like email, Skype, the phone, etc.
If MIL calls you to complain, you need to tell her that it's not up for discussion and hang up. Don't let her harass you. However, considering the traumatic event that they just went through, it would be compassionate of you to realize that this news might be hard for them and to be gentle about it......your husband might even want to let her know that he acknowledges that she'll miss him and that he'll miss her too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Don't worry about something that hasn't happened. When you tell her, have DH do it, be calm, and don't engage her. If she gets upset, just say "We can see you're upset, so we'll leave now. We hope you feel better about this after you've had time to think about it."
Then leave.
Congrats on your new career boost!!
I would let your H do the talking... and don't react to her hysterics. My MIL throws fits like this and I am learning not to react to them as well... it is tough sometimes... but don't engage or console her.... it feeds right into it.
Good Luck.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Absolutely!!! I too have a MIL who is beyond nuts, I mean really really nuts. The only way to deal with her is to be prepared. We have to think ahead of the ways she will sabatoge situations and plan for that. I have never been inaccurate of my assumption of what she would do and thus am ready for her. I talk to DH ahead of time about what I think will happen and how I would like him to handle it, get his prespective and then hes ready for what she will say/try to do. This took awhile to "master" but things run very smoothly now, and our relationship doesnt suffer from her trying to ruin things. Always leave it up to DH to handle her, its his mother and she will only listen to him.
This. We told our MIL about 2 days before we left because we knew she would accidentally come down with an illness and guilt us to stay. Like we suspected she was in the hospital within 12 hrs of telling her. We just packed and left and got a nasty facebook message from her a week later. Its what we needed to do, and it has worked out. GOOD LUCK!