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First post here...sister's b/f controlling...need advice
Oh I don't know where to start. I live in Wisconsin and my family is in Chicago area. My sister is younger, still in college and working, lives at home with my mom. She has been dating her boyfriend about 6 months and I'm very fearful for her. She had a previous relationship that was toxic- was w/ ex b/f for 3 years and never met any of his family, friends, etc. Was never taken out, showered with attention, and was never appreciated. Needless to say, that relationship ended. Her new boyfriend is the exact opposite: He showers her with gifts (spent about 3 grand on her for Christmas), showers her with attention, and she is ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS with him. I feel like her relationships with our parents, her friends, and the rest of her family are suffering, she has alienated everyone! I feel like her school work is suffering. I feel like she has blinders on that she is unable to remove.
Okay so everyone may think I'm over reacting, but I'm gonna get to the part that creeps me out. First of all, she is ALWAYS at his house sleeping over, etc. My mom doesn't even know him. He is never at my mom's house (he lives with his parents too) and my mom feels like he doesn't want my sister at her own house-like he controls where she is at all times. Last weekend, my sister was driving home from his house back to her house and when she got home he called her and said, "Why did you take (insert street name here) home?" HE WAS FOLLOWING HER HOME TO MAKE SURE SHE ACTUALLY WENT HOME!! This totally creeped me out but didn't phase my sister at all, she bought into the line he gave her about how he knew which route she took.
This may all sound goofy, and if it is, tell me. I have never seen him be verbally abusive or rude to her, but then again, I am never around them. Maybe it's just an extended new relationship, honeymoon period. I am just concerned about the constant showering with gifts, trips to only HIS house, his lack of interest in getting to know my parents, etc,and most definitely the following her!!!
My question: how do I bring this up to her that I'm concerned? Do I even bring it up to her? She is the most stubborn person I know and will take this all very personally and probably alienate me even more. I've known 2 women that have been murdered by abusive significant others and that scares me. I know it's extreme but I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long rant. TIA.
Re: First post here...sister's b/f controlling...need advice
There is a disturbingly common thread here -- with both these bfs that your sis had. Abuse or controllingness is a big big factor in both.
He follows her and he is a total stranger to you and the family. This is not good. He is isolating her, the same as the other guy has.
You can bring this up to her but she will not listen. You know how it is. And I don't think an intervention will work, either.
His family has to be bsc to permit that type of activity in their home. The entire family sounds looney to me, based on that.
If you believe she's in danger or he's harmed her physically, don't hesistate to call the cops. Good luck.
First, I think it is great that you want to watch out for and protect your sister. If you ever feel she is in danger, I think you should discuss it with her and call the police if it's warranted. That said, I'm going to go against the grain here.
I think you need to be careful that you're not looking for similarities here. Admittedly, you haven't spent any time with your sister and her BF, and you don't have much first hand knowledge about how he treats her. She's meeting his family; she's staying with him (though I am unclear if he lives with his parent's also).
She is old enough to have been in a three year relationship, so I am guessing early twenties at least? And she's met a man that she cares for and prefers to spend the night at his house, rather than him spending the night at her parent's house. That doesn't seem all that odd to me.
Moreover, perhaps he was following her home to ensure she got there safely? I agree-the phone call that's all, "Why didn't you take this road?!" is odd, but it doesn't exactly scream, "I am following you because I am a psyco control freak!" to me.
TBH, you haven't provided enough details for me to jump on the "He's Abusive" train. You've provided some reasons why you think there is a reason for concern. She's your sister, and generally I advocate for trusting your instincts, so if you think what has happened so far warrants a conversation with her, have one.
However, she is coming off of an abusive relationship, and at some point she has to start making decisions about a new relationship. If you continue to doubt her decisions, and question the men she chooses, you are not instilling a sense of belief in her and in her judgment. Her self-confidence is probably already shaky, so it would probably be dangerous to confirm that she shouldn't trust herself.
Be careful that when (if) you approach this topic you do so gently and in a way that reminds her that you do trust her and you do want her to have a relationship you just want to be sure she is safe and happy.
Good luck.
How is her relationship with your parents? If they don't get along well, it's quite possible that she just would rather be around his family. It's also possible that his opinion of your parents has been colored by her relationship with them, and he may feel like he is helping her out by giving her a place to go away from them. I'm not trying to insinuate at all that their relationship is bad, just curious because I've seen this kind of thing happen before. It's completely plausible that he's not controlling where she stays, but is, in fact, just trying to do what he thinks will help her out.
I think your best option here would be to invite her to go out to dinner with you, your treat. And then just talk about how things are going for each of you. Don't turn it into an interrogation about her boyfriend, or make her do all the talking. Just try and have a normal, sister-to-sister conversation. It will probably help you to stop worrying if you can know more about what's going on in her life.