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T&P Needed (LONG)
Most of you know that I have a whole house full of kids...2 18 year olds that live here full time and 1 who is here part time, a 17 year old who is here on weekends, and my 14 year old, who lives here full time, plus 3 adult step-kids. My problem today is with the 2 18 year olds. One is a foster kid, and the other is my own daughter from a previous marriage.
Today, like every Sunday, we went to church, during which time, the whole group of kids decided to model behavior more fitting to the average 5 year old...blocking church hallways, throwing things, playing loud games, talking and laughing loudly despite being asked to be quiet several times, and finally, being so loud and disruptive during a prayer session that I had to intervene and ask them to leave the room. I don't feel that I should have to tell a group that includes legal adults more than once to not behave like children, but apparently, my own daughter feels otherwise, as she proceeded to throw a full on, toddler-style temper tantrum, including sitting on the floor kicking and screaming, and, ironically, all the while proclaiming that she was "an adult" and therefore "doesn't have to listen to me...oy vey! Ron finally had to intervene, and it took him and my daughter's boyfriend both to get her out of the room. I asked all the kids to leave, because, honestly, while my daughter was the instigator, all were involved.
We went on to our usual Sunday service, and lo and behold, not a single one of my children was present. So Ron and I had to leave the service and drive around the block and back to our house, until our Youth Group leader called and told us that he had noticed the kids wandering around the parking lot and was sitting with them until we got back.
Suffice it to say, I was more than a bit perturbed.
Back to the church we went, where, long story short, I proceeded to bring my closest approximation of the Wrath of God down on all of the kids' heads, except that of my 17 year old, who wasn't actually part of the goings on. I brought them all home and carried on with the "discussion", which by now, could best be described as "raging hurricane of parental irritation".
It was then that, not only did my own daughter speak up and tell me she thought I had been out of line to call her out in front of the praise band whose practice and prayer session she had interrupted, but my foster daughter also chose to speak up and tell me that my actions had been inappropriate and that she had been the cause of the trouble, and she felt that the blame should have been placed on her.
Let's just say, I didn't handle it very well. I'll save you all the gory details, but the upshot is that 2 18 year old girls have now left my home. The foster daughter left by choice, stating that she no longer wished to live with such "dictators", and my own daughter left after being thrown out by my husband when she decided to physically get in his face and then made a threat to leave that she didn't count on having him take at face value. The last I saw of her, she was reaching out for me, trying to get me to grab her arm and take her back into the house.
God help me...I let her go. Neither of them has a place to go...our foster daughter has a car, but she won't be taken back in by her parents...I'm not even sure they can legally do that. My biological daughter's father lives in Iowa and is not financially, emotionally or mentally capable of helping her out. The incident happened over 4 hours ago, and I still haven't heard anything from either of them. I know they're both 18, and there's no legal liability on my end. I know they were both behaving horribly, and in some aspects, deserve to have to face the consequences of their actions. But these are my children, and I can't help but feel like I've failed them somehow. I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy worrying about where they are and whether they think I gave up on them. I've been all over all the places they usually go, and called all of their friends, and no one knows where they are. They don't even have each other to lean on. I think I seriously messed up this time, and I'm scared to death that something terrible is going to happen, and the last memory I will have of my daughter is her being pushed out the door while I did nothing to keep her here.
Someone PLEASE reassure me that I didn't fail her, and that she will be fine...
Re: T&P Needed (LONG)
oh my gosh, Erin. Definitely sending my thoughts and prayers to both you and the girls!
When I was really young, like 4-6 years old, I lived in a foster home of high school aged 'kids', my parents ran the home. Pretty much all of my strong memories are of the screaming matches before I was made to go to my room. I remember numerous times kids walking out during/after an argument, and they always returned (on occasion by the cops).
I don't think you were in the wrong... with a small army of young adults, I'm sure their emotions build off one another, it's so hard to break through.
You may want to copy and send this to Melissa. I believe Sloan has a pretty mild temperament, but you know, Melissa seems to have good advice on just about everything, especially parenting related issues.
est. 10/10/10
They will be fine. Sometimes after a hash out teenagers just need some time (even mothers too). If you don't hear from them by tomorrow, I'd search again and call them again. Legally there really isn't much you can do. If they are over 18, they can actually keep their identity to themselves and keep you away. But hopefully they wouldn't think you'd want them to go away for forever and do come back.
Stay hopeful. Things will get better! Sorry to hear you had a rough day.
Thank you everyone, for your support. My daughter has Sprint Family Locator on her phone, and she had her phone shut off for a while, but we were just able to trace her to her boyfriend's house, and then to her job, so at least I know she's safe and doing what she's supposed to be doing. That helps a lot...with any luck, now that things have calmed down some, she'll be in touch after she gets off work.
The foster kid is at her job right now, too, so I'm not expecting to hear from her for a little bit, yet, if at all. Our youth group leader was able to reach her parents and they said she was over there before she went to work and that they told her she needed to go back to our house after she gets off, so hopefully, she'll listen to them.
I'll keep everyone updated.
so sorry to hear about it. it seems like a horrific situation.
I dont want to tread on this too heavily, but I think you may wish to contact a crisis counselor in this situation. it sounds like things are home are out of hand. i imagine that this single event today was not "out of the blue" entirely, and that perhaps this was just the apex of struggles that have been brewing for some time.
I think that while we, as internet friends and support groups and be helpful, your family definitely needs some more practical and tangible support and assistance.
Maybe you and your husband can start working with someone on these issues, and slowly bring the children in once you have some sort of plan.
October '10 Siggy: The Aisle
I appreciate your advice and concern, and I will make every effort to take it in the spirit in which it was given and not take exception to any of the inferences you have made here, because, as you said, you don't know the entire situation. Thank you for recognizing that.
Things at home are not so much "out of hand"...as a matter of fact, this is actually a vast improvement from where they were just a few years ago. What hasn't been mentioned here, mainly because it's a sensitive matter, is that my daughters and I are survivors of a severe domestic violence situation, and, in their case, sexual abuse the likes of which most don't care to imagine. My foster daughter was also subject to physical, mental, sexual and emotional cruelty on a near-daily basis before being removed from the home. I don't say this to garner pity. The fact that many people believe statements like this to be ploys for attention is what keeps me from stating that fact any more than is necessary. Furthermore, I don't look at us as "victims"...the word "survivor" was a conscious choice...therefore, it's not something I share often. I ask that anyone reading this treat my decision to share that with the respect that it is due.
Anyway, I digress...the point was to paint the picture for you of the fact that communications here are somewhat different than those of a fully healthy family, and that the implementation of constant monitoring and a full-scale, and rather effective, treatment plan has already been in effect for several years. These struggles are indeed not "out of the blue" and are something we have been well-trained and equipped to deal with. I can assure you that today's incident has already been mentioned to our family counselor, as well as the individual therapists for both girls, and will be discussed fully and not taken lightly. While there is most certainly much damage to fight against and a lot of work to be done, and setbacks, as evidenced today, do happen, I can assure you that my family is most certainly not a breeding ground for further abuse and victimization.
Thank you again for your obviously genuine concern. I do appreciate your honest input.