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another IL dilemma...
My father passed away on November 24 of last year. He had been sick with lung cancer for 2 years previously. Now, I know that this is a personal and emotional issue, but my ILs have hardly acknowledged anything is wrong. My MIL and FIL did attend the funeral, but I was very preoccupied and upset, and didn't have a lot of time to talk to them.
I received a lot of sympathy cards and phone calls after he passed away from people I haven't talked to in ages, but not a thing from any of them. Not even an "I'm sorry for your loss." And to add insult to injury, my SIL (husband's sister) had a friend whose father passed away in December and at Christmas that is all they could talk about! My MIL went out of her way to visit said friend and take her out to lunch. I had to hold my tongue when they were discussing how sad she's been and how awful it was. There was a giant elephant in the room, and I felt like my tragedy didn't matter.
I am hurt that they haven't really been concerned about me or my feelings. Clearly I am still dealing with his death, so it's kind of overwhelming to think about confronting them about this. I don't even know what I would say. I know it's a sensitive topic, and maybe they just don't want to bring it up, but ignoring it makes it even worse. I feel very distant from them, and uncomfortable around them now. I'm going through a very hard time right now, and it just makes it all the more hard. I don't want to have a strained relationship with them, but I am starting to resent them for not seeming to care at all.
Anyone have any advice?
Re: another IL dilemma...
I'd be upset, too. I would have my DH talk to them and tell them you're still hurting and casually ask why they haven't sent a card or anything.
I wouldn't confront them personally - you're still rightfully too emotional and there's no way the conversation will be productive.
74 books read in 2011
First, I'm sorry for your loss.
I've found that sometimes death is the "big elephant in the room" that no one wants to mention. Perhaps this is the problem ?
I would talk to your H and explain how this makes you feel and he may deal with it himself.
Well, there are a number of issues here. First, you're grieving, and you may be overreacting. I say this because, second, they came to the funeral. Which is a big gesture, you know that. Third, you are unclear what it is you want from them. A card? Not necessary if they came to the funeral. Should they be asking you how you are, or buying you food, or what?It's been months; what are they supposed to do for you? I am sure they presume, and rightly so, that your dh is taking care of you if you have any immediate needs.
It's not uncommon for grieving people to lash out at a very minor or nonexistent slight at someone, as a means of avoiding grieving and assessing some kind of blame somewhere. It's a way of getting some of the overwhelming anger and sadness out. You don't say they've been ill treating you in any way; just that they didn't handle this 'right'.
I strongly urge you not to make this a big issue ;but instead, to get some serious grief counselling as an outlet for your grief and anger.
could they be close to this friend? Known her longer? As much as we hate to think of it this way, i know for myself, I'm going to reach out more to people I'm close to than I am to people I'm not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry for the loss of your dad.
What has your DH said regarding this? Has he noticed or acknowledged it? I think you are right to be upset, especially if you were close with them and got along well it would be hard to understand why they wouldnt feel sympathy for you. I dont know that saying anything would really make much difference though, it isnt going to change anything and its not like they could give you a card now. It would be kinda past the point of that. You should ask your DH what you should do since its his p's and he may know how to handle them best.
Did you get along well with them prior to your fathers passing? My IL's didnt acknowledge my grandmothers passing at all (I know thats not the same as a parent but I was really close to my grandma). They didnt make an appearance, and DH was a pallbearer. I also did not get a card, flowers or anything. They never even said Sorry for your loss. This was the same of xSIL when her father passed. Infact then MIL convinced BIL he didnt need to travel with SIL for the wake/funeral etc so she went solo. Talk about crappy! That is why she is now xSIL. The thing though, that I know is MIL hates me (& xSIL) so this is the kind of behavior I expect. If this was not to be expected from your IL's then hurt feelings are very understandable.
Sorry for your loss
Other than this situation, what is your relationship with your in-laws like?
If it's always been good, then I'd just try and let this go. They may just be giving you your space, or they may be awkward when it comes to situations like this. And they DID go to the funeral, so it's not like they're just ignoring your family.
But if it's never been that great, I would just chalk it up to "the way they've always been" and also try to let it go, since you can't change people or magically turn them into compassionate individuals when they're just not. If this is the situation, trust me, I know how frustrating it is to deal with a selfish/thoughtless relative ... but you can't change them, and it only hurts YOU to get angry over it.
I don't think calling them out is going to do any good, because:
- You don't know their reasoning behind this behavior. If they have good intentions (like wanting to give you some space) and you accuse them of being thoughtless, that's quite the insult.
- If they start acting more compassionate after a call-out, you will probably be resentful that they're only acting nice because you got angry, not because they are genuinely concerned for you. And if they DON'T start acting more compassionate after a call-out, you will be angry because they won't seem to care.
- You don't know the facts behind why they seem more interested in the other person's death. Maybe this was a closer friend to them, or maybe they are talking a big game about being compassionate when they really didn't act that way. Or maybe they brought up the friend's death around you to test the waters and see if you're ready to talk about your dad? If you never said anything when they talked about the friend, maybe they're just assuming that you'd rather grieve privately.
- Like a PP said, your grief may be causing you to look for something to be mad at. Or your sadness may be causing you to think that this is a bigger deal than it really is. And since you've understandably been very upset for a while now, you may not have noticed if your in-laws said or did anything kind to you, or maybe they just told your husband to call them if you needed something. Who knows, maybe your H has asked them to just give you some space?
The only time I'd say that you or your H should say something is if they are acting mean or cruel about the situation. Otherwise, I would try to make peace with it and move on.
Death is tricky. People react to death in different ways. People grieve in different ways. People offer and receive support in different ways.
Often, there is a mismatch. Sometimes people think they are offering support in a way someone wants, but that's not really what the grieving person needs. There is nothing malicious or hostile about it, just different expectations.
If your ILs are otherwise decent people, let this go. Confronting them over this will cause nothing but problems. Ruminating on it isn't going to make you feel better either.
You could talk to your husband. I wouldn't have him confront his parents, but maybe he could say something like "Wife is having a tough time today. She's missing her dad. She could use some support now." Setting up that expectation might help give them a reference on which to act.
I am so sorry for your loss...it is still very fresh.
I am wondering if your ILs are socially awkward. Perhaps they didn't know how to talk to you about your father dying and maybe that is why they focused so much at Christmas on the friend's father dying? Like that way they could talk about how hard it is to lose a father without directly bringing up your father? As a way to show sympathy without directly turning to you. It's just a theory--you probably know them well enough to know if it has any merit.
Whatever the cause, it is unfortunate. I know that before I had lost anyone REALLY close to me, I was a bit clueless as to how to talk to someone who had. Now I know that it is okay to talk to them about it--they're thinking about it all or most of the time anyway, and usually appreciate a moment to mention their mother or spouse or friend. But I think there is a learning curve there, at least there was for me.
Again, I am sorry you lost your father. It will get easier with time to remember him and deal with this loss.