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How do I tell him I want more sex?
I grew up in a physically affectionate family. When we sat on the couch, shoulders were pillows and legs were footrests. We held hands in church. My parents were always touching and winking. The first time I had Christmas with my then boyfriend's family, I was a little alarmed to see their version of a hug. You cross your arms on your chest while looking at a person across the room and telling them I love you or thank you. (You can probably see where this is going)
My husband and I waited until marriage for sex. I was raised Catholic and he is romantic and wanted his first time to be with his wife. But now we have been married for seven months and the differences in the ways we show affection are painfully apparent. He is great with voalizing and tells me all the time how much he love me. He is great with romantic gestures like cards, presents and holidays. But he does not touch me. We are still using the same box of condoms his best man gave to us on our wedding night. I understand it a little in that he did not grow up in a demonstrative family, but really, aren't guys (especially newly-weds) supposed to not be able to get enough of their wives? I am baffled and hurt. I waited twenty six years for sex, and now I still feel like I am waiting. I am pretty and I try to look nice for him, I have tried lingerie. At New Years, when he asked what my resolution was, I told him I that I decided I really liked sex with him and intended to engage in that activity a lot more. BIG flirty hint!
Our other big holdback is our work schedules. I teach, he works swing shift. On the few days he has off, he would rather spend time with his guys than home. Right now, he is watching a pay per view program with his buds at Buffalo Wild Wings and I am writing pathetic posts on the Nest. Any advice on how to address this issue? I don't want to sound like I am begging for sex, or like I am nagging him.
Re: How do I tell him I want more sex?
i only skimmed this. the answer seems pretty darn obvious though:
"H, i feel like i need a bit more intimacy in our relationship."
communication. with actual words spoken to your H, not to some internet strangers. flat out tell him what you want/need/crave.
Guys don't tend to catch on to our hints very well. Be blunt? If I was in your situation I would probably use the "Good,Needs Work, Good" method --- you like how he's attentive and vocal, but you'd like to try to maybe add in some more physical demonstrations.
Lately I've been asking for more and I almost feel guilty for it, oops.
It sounds like you guys just have different ways of expressing love. You like physical touch, while his is more verbal and giving gifts. People tend to give love the way they hope to receive it. So you keep trying to show him love physically in hopes he will return it that way, and he is doing the same thing.
The answer here is actually really simple. As PP already said, it just requires communication! Just sit down and talk to him about what you want, and what he wants. Hints, suggestions, etc. aren't good ways to get your point across. Guys just can be dense and don't get the subtleties sometimes.
My DH and I also waited to have sex until we were married, and we have a great sex life. But we talked about our expectations while we were engaged, and continue to discuss them now. I would suggest you just make a time where you two can sit down and openly discuss each's expectations about sex. How many times a week, new things to try, etc. and find a solution you both can be happy with.
Sometime u have take matters into ur own hands so u have to be the iniciator
Try this
get bare naked
when he is in bed with minimum clothes
be sure u do foreplay on urself so be ready ok
use ur moves and imagination to get him aroused
jump his bones and make noise u know uuu ahah
now don't take no for an answer. persist until u get what u want
make sure after that u r with a glow and a happy smile on ur face
maybe hum a tune in front of him
do this for a week don't let up
then next week completely ignore him. no sex of any kind
hope it works and if it does tell him what u need to please u
I'm sorry but I absolutely have to disagree with the bolded part. If you have to play games like hot and cold to get what you want in your marriage, it just doesn't really sound like a healthy marriage to me. Open, honest communication can alleviate a lot of problems and helps to make a stronger bond between you and your DH.
He's either very undersexed or has a gripload of sexual issues/conflicts. You're not going to say it's just religious guilt or your religion that prevented him from having sex before marriage.
He's got an entirely different way of affection than you do; some families simply aren't touchy feely and his is one of them. At that point, you should have taken it or left it, when you saw what the story was when you were dating.
What I strongly suggest:
Complete physical for him -- and counseling, both with a mental health professional and a sex therapist, for the both of you.
You also need to sit down and talk frankly and openly with him -- don't candy coat it. What's happening here isn't healthy and it's not normal.
If he still refuses to work on this issue with you and he's not anteing up in the sex depattment, you can decide which way you want to go from here.
He is either very undersexed, asexual or gay. Or perhaps more went on in his household than he will admit to and it's screwed up any healthy view he has had towards sex and affection.
The other problem is that he leaves you ont he shelf and that isn't acceptable, not one iota. I wouldn't stand for that bullshit at all; there's NO reason why you cannot come along to watch the game???
I'd also have it out with him about his leaving you on the shelf. That has to end, like I said.
Sorry for your troubles.
Ignore him. He's a creepy troll.
OP, you have got to sit him down and talk to him about this. It's obvious that hints aren't working so you're going to have to be direct. If you continue to hint around you're going to probably start to feel some resentment if nothing changes.
I really like the hum a tune in front of him suggestion!
What do you suggest, Sideobserver? Big Band? Indie? Somehting grunge, or Motown, or rap? Maybe urban will do, or maybe something classical like Grieg or Strauss or Beethoven?
Elaborate, please.
I agree with most of the PP. Talk, talk, talk, and talk some more! Make sure you have this conversation at a place/time that is not threatening or intimidating for either of you. (ie..not in the bedroom right before you want sex).
And - as stated above - try to initiate it more often. Your H doesn't have to be the one that does it all the time. My H has no problems getting in the mood when I initiate. I don't think he's said no unless he was truly exhausted or sick.
Good luck. I'd really try to get this resolved now and not let it grown into a bigger problem down the road.
When you have sex, do you enjoy it? Does he appear to enjoy it? How does the sex ball get rolling? How does he indicate that he wants sex? How do you?
Is he masturbating? Have you watched the porn he likes? Does he have a fetish or strong sexual proclivity that you need to figure out?
There are lots of people who are not affectionate in public, but who are sexually affectionate in private. You seem to be willing to accept that he isn't a big hand-holder in crowds, as long as you guys are having more sex/touching more at home.
There is the possibility that sex didn't live up to his romanticized notions. If sex isn't great between you (and seriously, no one is born fabulous at sex!) you guys can discuss ways to do more exploration.
Think about ditching the condoms. I personally hate sex with condoms.
There is also the strong possibility that he is gay.
To the OP: Were you sexually active at all before you were married? IF you were, you can see something is way off with the entire sexual picture in your marriage.
Not healthy and not normal -- and he has to stop leaving you on a shelf. Not fair to run off and just leave you hanging in the lurch while he has a good time.
And I'm willing to bet he did the same before you were married; probably not recent behavior. And another issue you should have addressed before you married him.
So you told him on New Year's Day what your resolution was. That was 7 weeks ago; he hasn't bothered to ante up, according to your post.
Give serious thought to the counseling suggestion and even more serious thought to the fact this guy is either asexual, has a very low sex drive or is gay. What's happening here isn't functional or normal.
I think the next time I want sex I'll start humming Swan Lake.
Three key words jump out here. "Hint, begging and nagging".
Hints at best go unnoticed by men.
Begging lowers your status to that of a beggar. Who wants sex with low end trash?
Nagging, that what Mothers do. Most men find the idea of sex with somebody like their Mother a turn off.
Your DH has spent the first quarter century of his life being told and telling himself that sex is an evil to have nothing to do with.And sex is something nice girls don't do. He may still be thinking you are a "nice girl" instead of a wife. It may take a while to undo decades of brainwashing.
Also look up the "five love languages".
Nothing says you want sex. Like meeting him at the door completely naked with a fresh bikini wax and holding a six pack of cold beer.
Well, sometimes you just have to be blunt in your communications. I would suggest reading "Five Love Languages." It discusses the different forms of love (you showing affection through touch, him through words and gifts). It may be beneficial for both of you to read to understand how the other person is showing love and how each partner wants to receive love. It is a bit Christian-focused, but the ideas are good even if you aren't Christian. Just a thought.
You shouldn't have to go through life begging for sex, so definitely have a big talk with him, non-confrontational, of course. Good luck!
Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.