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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
what to tell mom
I tested positive for brca1 and opted for a double masectomy. What should I tell my mom - the reason why I'm hesitant is because it turns into a lecture about MY decision. And she acts like she knows more than the doctors. For example- I injured my back last year and got sick of the lectures and the "you should do this and get a second opinion". Fyi - I herniated 2 disks - pretty standard treatment and tons of people ruptued disks all the time. So I just stopped telling her what was going on.
I know she cares but I want support not a lecture and irrational thinking
I know she cars
I know she cares but I want support not a lecture and irrational thinking
I know she cars
Re: what to tell mom
You don't have to listen to her lecture. If she starts with one just say I know you care, but you are not showing it by questioning my decisions. I want your support and if you are not capable of giving me any then I will no longer discuss this with you. I think you should be very firm about this and hopefully she realizes what she is saying is not helpful. Your Mom may feel powerless and this is how she thinks she is taking care of you by 'mothering' you. Every time she starts in say, I am NOT going to listen to this and you need to stop it NOW.
You are going to need support and I would hope she can see this will be the opportunity to be there for you. If she will not get the direct message then feel free to not include her in your health or life decisions.
Wishing you the best.
Gosh, so sorry to hear this.
I wouldn't tell her anything. And when she asks about it, remind her of the herniated disc lecture. You have enough to worry about without the additional burden of her reaction.
74 books read in 2011
I wouldn't not tell her about this it's a very serious thing and she would probably be very hurt if she found out through someone else. Then the lecture might turn into why you shouldn't have kept it from her.
It sounds like you just have to be very direct and to the point. This is the situation, this is how I found out and these are the steps I'm taking to treat it. If she starts in on offering her opinions then it's time to let her know that you appreciate her concern but, you're looking for support and not advice. You've already made the decision on how you are going to handle this.
If it were me, I would not say anything at all to someone that was not being supportive to me. Why subject yourself to the pain of more hurt feelings? You say she cares, but when someone cares, they empathize, they don't launch into a lecture. If you already know what her reaction will be, why subject youself to that?
Chances are good she would not find out, how would she find out something so personal? Are you planning on sharing with someone else in your family that would possibly tell her? Maybe you would be better off not sharing with those people/family members then also. I mean, do people really need to know something so personal?
First - hugs.
Second - you know what your mom is like. If it's not now, it will be later. If it's not this issue, it will be another issue. my advice - you need to learn to shut her down when it starts to turn into a lecture.
Have some variation/ combination of the following ready: "Mom, I need support right now, not a lecture".... "I appreciate that you care, but I need for you to show it anotehr way".... "I've made my decision, it's not up for discussion"... "I don't want a lecture on this. I'm going to hang up/leave if you don't stop." (and then you do it if she doesn't stop), etc.
You need to cut her off and be FIRM about it. If saying "Stop" doesn't make her stop, then you get up and leave the room. She can't lecture you if you aren't there.
The best of luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry to hear you tested positive for brca1.
That is very difficult. I know my mother would be supportive of a decision like that (she has had a double mastectomy for Stage III cancer in one breast, my grandmother had a mastectomy of one breast and cancer came back later in the other). A double mastectomy reduces your risk with brca1 significantly (massively in fact)...and if you are doing it BEFORE you have any evidence of cancer in the breast, there are far more options for tissue-saving and reconstruction than you would have otherwise. I would certainly choose life over breast, and I think most people who have some knowledge of the situation would do the same.
I know I would not be able to NOT tell my own mother anything with that sort of surgery looming. It IS major surgery (with all the usual risks) and I would want her support, and her to know what was going on. I suppose in your shoes I would tell your mom, and tell her your decision and stand firm on that and, as East Coast said, shut her down if she starts to lecture. A "Mom, I appreciate your concerns, however, this is my final decision to make and I am comfortable with it. I am telling you as I really need your support right now, but if you are going to keep providing me lectures on what I should do medically, I am going to have to end this conversation and turn elsewhere for support".
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Well, if your mom is like my mom ( and they do sound similar) I'd be getting lectures about how it hurt her so deeply that i didn't tell her what was going on, and how i don't care how she feels and she would go to that every time we had a disagreement. It kinda seems like a damned if you do damned if you don't. I suppose the best thing to do would be to say something like " I have made my decision, and I feel it is what is best for me... I really need your support..." that is if you want to tell her at all.
what ever you decide to do, know that you have a sisterhood here that will listen and support you.
All the best!