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Do you spoil your husband?
By spoil, I mean do pretty much everything for him...all his laundry, ironing, cook all the meals, shop for his clothes, fix his plate of food, bring him a drink, baby him when he's sick, massage him when he's sore, do the deed whenever he wants, etc. It seems like our parents' generation was more like that and this generation is more about spliting everything 50/50. I feel like I do quite a bit for him, but I definitley do not spoil him. I mean, I will cook, but he has to fix his own plate and get his own drink. I will do laundry, but he has to iron his own stuff. I do shop for his clothes, but it's b/c I like to shop. I will give him a massage and do the deed, but only when I feel like it! Sometimes, I feel guilty...like I should do more. I mean, he goes to work everyday and makes all the money so that I can have the luxury of staying home. Maybe I should start ironing his clothes and doing more little selfless things for him. He doesn't expect it and has never made me feel like I should, but sometimes I just wonder if little things like that aren't what helped people stay together in the old days...seems like so many people get divorced now. Maybe if we went back to that way of life, there wouldn't be so many marriages that end in divorce. I know it's an old fashioned way of thinking...and I'm not sure that I can be like that....I just wonder about it. Thoughts?
Re: Do you spoil your husband?
Negatory. My dh grew up as an extremely spoiled only child, so right now its important to me that he learns the care and keeping of a home. Once he gets better about helping around the house and I know that things can get done if I'm in a pinch and can't do something (like if I get sick), I might pick up more of the slack. I'm not too hard on him though- right now he's in school full time and working full time so I try not to overload him. Pretty soon I'll be going back though, and we're going to have to redistribute the chores more evenly so neither of us lose our minds.
If I didn't work as much, I would definately do more of the work.
My theory is that housework itself doesn't cause divorce, but communication is what can lead up to that. If you can effectively communicate with your dh and come to an agreement about expectations, even if he shoulders some of the responsibility in the house, I think it's healthy and entirely neccesary in some circumstances. I think the problem is when what happens so many times occurs: nobody really discusses it and just yells and nags about it, then people start harboring resentment and it snowballs from there.
I have to admit that I do spoil DH to a certain extent. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, the laundry (DH does his own ironing, though), shopping for clothes (but like you, it's b/c I like shopping...DH's knees buckle at the thought of spending more than 10 minutes in a store...LOL), fix his plate, bring him drinks, etc....but, I do have to say he does his own share of spoiling me. I think we've got a pretty good 50/50 thing going even though I do all the things you mentioned. Honestly, I kinda like spoiling him...unless he's being a terd...hah.
I think I'm actually the spoiled one. DH has always done most of the cooking. (It's my job to clean the dishes up afterward.) He also fixes my plate and lately.. whenever I have a craving he'll go get whatever I feel like eating. I don't know what I would do without him.
When it comes to laundry, it's about 50/50. He folds, I hang things up. When it comes to cleaning.. I declutter and put things away, make the bed, etc. But we hired a housekeeper to come twice a month because neither of us are good at deep cleaning. He does all the yardwork.
I think the reason there are more divorces now than there used to be is because a few generations ago women were not as educated and were not as independent as women are today. It would have been very difficult for my grandmother, a homemaker with a high school degree and 2 years of college, to make it on her own in the 1950's or 1960's. I know some women did it, but I think it was a lot harder back then.
I don't think it had to do anything with women spoiling their husbands. Honestly, I think couples back then probably had just as many problems or conflicts as couples do today. It's just that women have more footing for standing up for what they want now.
Not by that definition
but in some ways yes, in others no. i think in a marriage these days you should find the dynamic that works best for you and your partner not what used to be the "norm". Also, doing little extra things are those small thank yous and gifts to your loved one not something that should be expected or demanded. I think every person and couple is different.
No way! My mom always told me the story about how my dad expected her to do EVERYTHING when they got married b/c that is how his parents were. Well she put her foot down from the beginning and always told me to do the same. DH's mom on the other hand does everything for his dad. DH does his own laundry/ironing, grills and cooks some, does ALL of the outside work and helps w/ the cleaning whenever asked. I LOVE to shop, so when I am out I may buy him something, but we usually go together if we are going for just him.
As of right now, I have been spoiling him by not making him do much "baby duty", but that is b/c he is working and I am home on leave right now....once I go back, that will change as well.
I wouldn't say "spoil", but I take care of him to an extent. I pretty much do all of the cooking - I love to cook and he takes hours to cook a 45-minute meal. I mostly do the washing of the laundry, but I only fold mine. I do not iron and hate ironing my own clothes. I'll fix his plate or grab him a drink if he's had a long, hard day, but not consistently and he'll do the same for me. The biggest thing for me is that he knows that I'm not his mama, a maid, cook, or 24-hr porn star - I'm his wife and everything I do for him is out of love and respect for him. I am not here to be at his beck and call - we are a team and we work together in a that's good for us and there's balance. We take care of each other and do more when the other needs a break. For me, it's really important to get really good at that before having kids because I don't want to run myself down and will really need him to be the best partner he can be for us, and the same goes for me.
I think it's the lack of communication, support, respect, and teamwork that tears a marriage apart, even when there's love there...
Like PP's have stated, I don't spoil him, yet I do things for him when they need to be done. I do all the laundry and I fold it, he puts his up. DH doesn't expect a meal every night, hell he doesn't expect one once a week, LOL He works so much, that cooking isn't a big thing around our house, we'll eat sandwiches, leftovers or he'll eat at the shop and I'll eat something small at home. He does the dishes if I cook, and loads the dishwasher. He takes the trash out, handles all the outdoor stuff at home and helps around the house with the cleaning. I would say ours is about 50/50. I would probably pick up more cleaning, cooking etc. household duties if I were at home during the day, mainly b/c I think I would get bored, LOL.
I think life back then was probably simpler, yet people still had issues. Plus I think a big reason for the rise of divorce is people just give up. I mean if you got divorced way back when it was shunned and frowned upon, so people generally just stayed together. Now divorce is so common that it doesn't even seem like a big deal anymore. I also think people rush into the "wedding" and forget about the "marriage" afterwards.
I couldnt agree with this more!!!
I feel like I am the spoiled one. DH would probably say that he is, though. We really share responsibilities completely - we both cook, do laundry, clean, etc. Some weeks I may do all of the laundry, fold it, and put it away. Other weeks I may not even go near it - he will, and some days we help one another. We don't have a set schedule, but we like doing things for each other.
I don't think that the old way of thinking would lead to more marriages staying together, honestly. Women know they have more options now, and their attitudes reflect that. Marriage should be 50/50, even if one person is completely outside the home and one is completely AT home.
Side note: I used to make a fuss at family functions about all of the men who sat around and didn't make their own plates. It has always been infuriating to me. LOL.
I dont think i really spoil dh. I think we are an equal. When I know he's had a bad day i'll fix his plate and bring him a beer. He does the same for me.
As far as the divorce rate goes, I think its really bad now because people are getting married just to do it. They are not doing it for the right reasons and they're not even trying. I think that the older people see how easy it's become to leave their husbands ( from the younger generation ) that they are wantin to take advantage of it. I hope that makes sense. I swear it sounded better in my head! LOL!
This drives me crazy too!!
Hm, interesting question. I don't spoil DH, but we are in a different situation- he is working for his doctorate and I walk part time and I am in school...I don't have time to spoil him! lol. He likes things 50/50. He cooks more than I and does his own laundry . (I have tried to do it for him because he takes a while to get it done but he insists on doing it himself)
. If we ever get to a point when I can stay at home, I would do more cooking and cleaning than he does-but I think he would still feel it would important to help out. He grew up taking care of himself and I don't think he would ever really want me to do it all, so to speak.
We have a 50-50 relationship...he cooks better than I do so usually he cookes, does yardwork, takes out trash...I clean and pick up during the week, do laundry, pay bills...most of the deep cleaning we both do...I will say that one thing that does bother me is him not cleaning up after himself such as putting away his shoes, hanging up his coat, putting his dirty glass in the dishwasher, etc. He had a SAHM who never made him do anything like that...
I definitely agree the divorce rate is up for reasons other than men not being spoiled...it's no longer taboo to be divorced, women can afford to live on their own, etc.
We're 50/50 as well, the only thing that is solely our individual responsibility is that he does all the cooking and handles the finances and I do all the deep cleaning. We both split laundry and dishes, and he does most of the vacuuming and we also go to the grocery store together 95% of the time. We both have busy schedules as he is a full time student and works part time and I work full time but I get home late, so this works well for us.
In my opinion I think that as long as you both have an understanding of who does what that there is nothing to be resentful about. To me, that's not grounds for divorce but I'm sure that some couples have divorced over this. Like someone said, not communicating enough is what leads to alot of divorces nowadays and as long as you are both in agreement as far as household chores go and understand what one another wants, then there is nothing to worry about.
I would be utterly lost without Robert. I think he does WAY more than I do for him. I hardly cook, hardly clean, the "deed" was only done a few times in the last 9 months. I don't know if I can really truly blame it all on the pregnancy and baby, but Robert really seems happy. I think he loves the fact that I 'gave' him a baby. He's so utterly smitten w/ the baby.
For the most part, I really try and he knows and he loves me. I "spoil" him by letting him watch football and I dont complain. He says he's "proud" of me when I am able to manage to vacuum the floors.
I'm hoping in this week (while he's out of town) that I can sort of set up some sort of schedule for myself. House cleaning/cooking/house management, etc. I need to learn to multi task better. (any suggestions/hints???)
And as far as the divorce rate... I totally think there are marriages that just will not work, no matter what, no matter how hard the two people TRY. However, I also think that divorce rates are higher because it's "easy" to divorce. Celebrities marry and divorce without a second thought. Television shows glorify divorce and mock relationships (The Bachelor anyone?). Marriage is definitely about compromise adn both people putting the other person first.