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First appointment
I know that you guys don't agree with the way that I'm handling this. But I do value all of your input and opinions.
We have our first marriage counseling appointment today. I'm nervous. I see this as either the beginning of a new life together, or the beginning of the end. I'm not really sure which. I don't expect the counselor to dive in deeply on the first appointment, but I expect that one or both of us is going to leave the appointment with hurt feelings... I am trying to look past that to see the healing that will come from it, but I have spent the better part of my life trying to "not make waves". I think this is going to be hard for me...
I know many (if not all) of you think that it is ridiculous that I am even taking this step and it is ridiculous of me to think that he might change. But we both agreed to try this and we both agreed to give it a heartfelt effort. With the things that have happened in our past, I can justify leaving and calling it quits, but with there are things in our past that have given me a small glimmer of hope too. I feel like I need to explore that without becoming so caught up in "the right noises" to loose sight of why we're there. You guys help keep me grounded. You help me to stay strong. I feel like I need that now.
Re: First appointment
I actually just got off the phone with my therapist and made another appointment for later this week. As ukyankee suggested, I believe I stopped my own individual therapy too soon. I thought I was doing ok, but I should have continued. That's why I'm going back. I have MUCH to work on, as does H, but self esteem and self worth is an issue for me and I think if I can work on those on my own as well, I will be in much better shape no matter what the outcome.
I know I need to be honest and that is the only way this is going to bring positive results for either of us, and that's the part that I'm nervous about... I don't like to "rock the boat". I've been like that as long as I can remember.
Thank you ladies for your comments and help! I really do appreciate you!
Just an FYI - be aware that for couples in abusive relationships, counseling isn't the always "safe" place it is supposed to be. Don't be surprised if
A) Your H lies to the counselor, or
Please read and re-read this, because it is the absolute truth.
If I remember correctly, you mentioned that your friends and family support you trying to work things out with him. Be honest- is that because he's a different guy in front of them- kind, charming, likable? Not at all the monster he becomes when he's abusing you? Make no mistake, THAT is the man he will be in counseling.
He is going to come across as completely sane and reasonable, leaving the counselor and possibly even you wondering what the problem is. Then, like SueBear said he will use what you said against you.
I tried counseling with my XH and I was the one that stopped because it made things so much worse. I know you're probably thinking that if that happens you will leave then, but realize that it made me feel so much weaker than before we started.
You admitted that you moved back in to quickly, but it's done so you 'can't' move back out & give things time. If you feel that way now, why would you think you'll feel more capable of leaving once you realize things aren't improving?
No one thinks you are ridiculous or that seeking therapy is ridiculous. I don't. So, what's that all about? A safe way to throw up your hands, shrug and say 'oh well no one understands" and feel even more alone?
Anyway.
Keep your eyes open. Be honest. Don't duck and weave and fret about making waves. This is it. If you choose this path, then walk it. And keep walking it after the appointment is over.
Outside of your H's abuse- what are the issues? Has he admitted to abusing you? Does your therapist know of the abuse and is trained in counseling abuse victims?
There is a bad guy here- and traditional marriage counseling may not be the answer.