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MIL wants to move nearby...
We currently live a 24 hour drive away from MIL and all of DH's family and see them about 2 times a year and usually only when we visit them. I am fine with that because MIL is very very high strung, pushy, terrible with money (which affects us), ocd with cleaning and planning and is just sometimes its very stressful to be around her. I can handle the small doses, but I cannot handle having her in the same town as me.
DH is totally fine with her moving nearby and is actually looking forward to it. She has been talking about it for years, but it was never in our same town, just the same state. I don't know why, but it just makes me sick to my stomach to have her nearby. She is a very nice person, but everything in her life is stress and drama, I do not want that in my everyday life. I have told DH this, but he thinks I'm overly negative and it won't be that bad. I just cannot see any good in it. I worry that it's going to affect my marriage and life that I have with DH here and I don't want that to change.
What can I do to be ok with this change if it happens in the near future?
Re: MIL wants to move nearby...
First of all, until she decides to move, I would not stress too much. She says she wants to move to the next town / close by, but the rest of her family (even if your H is her only son, her extended family, siblings, nieces, cousins, etc.) are 24 hours away? That's a big move.
I would also make it clear to your H that it is HIS mom, and if she wants to be a part of your life, she will be HIS responsibility. That means that you have no intention of "entertaining" her when she stops by (if dh is there, you can leave and go out to run errands, if dh is not there you can say "sorry MIL, it's not a good time. DH will be around later - why don't you stop by then?"). Let your H deal with the drama. Don't pick up the phone when she calls, and tell your H she cannot have your cell#. If she doesn't like your cleaning, tell her to make suggestions to DH and have him clean it up, but her standards aren't your standards and you won't discuss them with her.
Setting boundries is key. Make it clear to your H and his mom that you have your own life and won't "babysit" her when H isn't there, or cure her lonliness when she is without the friends and
I would also say - maybe you and H can suggest she rent for a while before moving down. Then, MAKE SURE you set boundries during that time, so she doesn't think she will be entertained 24/7.
I am trying not to stress and that has been my theory for the last several years, but she is talking more seriously about it recently. DH does deal with her mostly now and I talked to him about boundaries which we both agree would need to happen. I am just worried because she is so high strung and pushy and doesn't understand boundaries well. It's much easier when she lives so far away. She does have her husband and will have to have a job, but I still worry that even though we will tell her not to stop over unannounced, she will. DH told me just to not answer the door lol. I guess I just feel bad doing that, but I dont want her to think she can just come over whenever. I also worry she will rely on DH often to do things for her that her husband cannot (computer stuff) and he will be called over to come over for that.
Also, she already has my cell as we do not have house phones.
Easier said then done. I know that we won't have to see her/them every single day, but even once a month or once a week will be a huge adjustment over 2 times a year.
This is of course assuming she actually does move.
My MIL lives less than a mile from me; and has not been in my house twice in the past two years.
It CAN be done, lol.
the stress and drama will only be in your life it you ALLOW it to be.
why does her being bad with money effect you?
I can see why you're worried. My MIL lives a 16 hour drive away and we also see her maybe twice a year. And even though I like her very much, there is always drama and angst associated with visiting her (she constantly scrutinizes what we all eat because she's diabetic, she has to be entertained all the time so she talks to you even if you're reading a book or trying to watch a TV show, she and her husband squabble a lot over stupid stuff, etc).
So I'd be apprehensive if she moved nearby that the togetherness would be more than I can handle.
But here's the thing...you should actually be subjected to her in smaller doses if she lives nearby. When we see MIL, it's for an undiluted week. We have to do most things with her to make the most of our visit, we're subjected to her rules re: cleaning and picking up after ourselves when we visit, etc. If she lived here, maybe she'd come over for a couple hours at a time every few weeks? Maybe we'd have dinner out occasionally or go to an event together? Altogether, shorter doses, but more often. It might actually be easier!!
Just set some boundaries with her (can't drop by unannounced), limit the frequency of your visits, make sure your DH goes over to see her alone sometimes so you get a break, and everything will be fine.
Why would you feel bad not answering the door if she comes over without calling first? That is rude on her part to begin with, nothing to feel bad about. If she already has your cell phone, I assume you have calller ID. Just don't answer the phone when she calls and let it go to voice mail if she is so pushy and high strung.
You haven't really given us examples of how she is pushy so its not possible to give advice on how to set boundaries with her.
She frequently asks us for money, owes us a good bit of money that we have been working with her to pay it back, but it's like pulling teeth. She doesn't feel bad driving her fancy car, buying whatever she wants instead of paying us back. She makes excuses for why they are in a bad financial spot, of course none of which is her fault. She lives in a dream world. DH thinks it will be easier for him to teach her how to be frugal if she lives nearby.
DH said the exact same thing that visits will be shorter so she won't have to pack 50 things into the time we see her, I just hope he is right.
I guess I shouldn't feel bad, I just know I will if it ever does happen.
Here are some examples of her behavior:
1. We spend thanksgiving with my family every year, since we weren't going up north for Christmas this year, we invited MIL and step FIL to join us in the cabin we rented with my family. She knew there was just enough room for them to come (DH and I gave up our bedroom for them). She accepted, then invited DH's young cousin. When we found out and DH told her it would be too crowded, she said cousin would be fine, she would sleep on a blow up in their room. DH didn't think 1 more person was a big deal, so we talked to my family and everyone said fine. The she invited his grandparents. DH then told her it was to many people, she cried and said we didn't want them around. He then had to convince them to rent their own cabin nearby so it we weren't all sleeping on top of each other. Then they all ended up not even coming.
2. They were supposed to come and visit us, then bought a large doberman pincher. We choose to not have dogs in our house due to our hardwood floors that can be easier scratched. She freaked out when we told her she couldnt bring the dog. She cancelled her trip because she claimed she couldnt get anyone to watch the dog. She continually tries to push DH into allowing the dog and she makes comments all the time how she knows the dog will love our yard, etc and what a shame it is he can't come.
3. Before we were married, she came to visit and brought DH's 3 step sisters, I gave them my apt to stay in since it was a 2 bedroom and stayed with DH for the week. While the place was spotless when they left, she rearranged my furniture. That kind of stuff annoys the hell out of me.
DH has/will take care of these situations, but it's not without stress, crying, and just drama I HATE dealing with all the time and this is from hours away. She also is OCD with cleaning and is very very judgmental when other people are not so clean. I do not want to feel like my house always needs to be spotless because she might come over.
I know EXACTLY how you feel because I went through the same exact thing with my MIL. She was separating from her boyfriend of 20 years and suddenly she thought my husband and I could fix her problems. She lived in WI and my military husband was stationed down in KY. I was so naive and stupid that I felt sorry for her. When she asked if she could move in with us I told both my husband and her I didn't think it was a good idea. Did they listen? No. Soon after she moved by us I started to realize she was just using us and she was RUNNING from her problems. Really, who in their right mind would move to a new state and expect someone to take them in just because they are not happy with their life? My MIL had family as well as a daughter in Wisconsin and she decided to leave that behind and be with us? She wasn't in her right mind...she was much crazier than I could have ever imagined.
To make a very long story short, it didn't work out. She was nosy, pushy, and disrespectful towards me. She kept notes about my marriage and was pressuring my husband to leave me. When she went back home to visit family in WI, all she did was talk about my marriage and blamed everything on me. We ended up getting into a huge fight and I kicked her out. She had pushed me too far. She even took her anger out on my son. She yelled at him when she had no right to. When I had asked her to please give him a bath while I was at work, she didn't. When I asked her when was the last time he had one she replied 3 days ago. She was living in our house and she was supposed to be helping out, but because she was so angry at me she couldn't even give my 3 year old a bath. I figured since we were helping her out she would help us out like she promised. But you see, it didn't work that way. It turned out to be all about her.So, she ended up living alone because I was no longer going to support her. How do you think my husband felt about me after she left?
Even if she doesn't live with you she'll be close enough. She won't know anybody and every time she needs something done she'll be calling her son. Trust me, she will. My husband moved his mother's stuff (and she has a LOT) at least 3 times within a year because she kept moving around. She didn't even pay him. She was computer illiterate and no matter how much I helped her and explained to her how to do something she didn't get it. Then she needed help finding a job and I had no idea how to help her because I didn't grow up in the area my husband was stationed at. Suddenly, she wanted to start dating again and would have no problem giving her dates our phone number! These were men she met on the internet. So you see, I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life and my husband and I had no privacy. We fought so much and it was always because of her. He defended her and threw me under the bus. In their eyes I was the one who was selfish and wrong about everything.
Finally, my husband got stationed in WA state where we currently live. I told him that if she follows us I'm gone. Today I couldn't be happier. When I look back I know I made a HUGE mistake by allowing her to live with us. She even moved to Texas with her sister and ended up leaving after only 6 months. That just confirmed to me that she was the one with the problem not everyone else. Save yourself from a lot of drama and just do whatever you have to to keep her away from you guys. But she has the right to move next door if she chooses to. If she ends up by you don't play any games or try to be the nice person. Set boundaries before she moves by you (make sure she knows them). If she breaks them then tell her what the consequences will be. Have a plan before it becomes too late. If she's going to live with you tell her she needs to find a job and that she can only stay for a few months. You have to get her out or else she'll never leave. I would really have a talk with your husband and tell him your fears. Hopefully he'll listen or else you will be yelling at him "I told you so," just like I did with my husband! Honestly, I still get angry at him when I think back about the entire situation.....it impacted my life that much. And I don't talk to her at all because I still haven't forgiven her.
This.
I'd actually rather my ILs lived closer and we could see them more often. Then there would be no spending my whole weekend travelling to see them and being with them for 48 hours in a row. I'd rather a 2 or 3 hour dinner once or twice a month.
I think your DH is wrong that it will be easier to teach him Mom to be financially responsible if she lives closer. It will just make it more convenient for her to mooch and then your face will be rubbed in her spending habits while not paying you back.
I saw my ILs more when they were 3000 miles away than when they moved a mile down the road. I dreaded the thought of them in the same state let alone the same city. Turns out they had no interest in being part of our lives (unless of course they needed the trophy grandchildren to drag out). We are back to the 3000 miles and it has made no difference in my life.
Do we have the same MIL? lol My MIL lives 6 hours away right now, but is talking about moving closer. She's down visiting this week for DH's birthday party, and hasn't stopped talking since she walked in the door. Her and I were driving in my car yesterday, and I called my dad (my grandfather is very, very sick so I wanted to check in on them) and she litterally sat beside me talking the entire time. When I would say something to my dad, she assumed I meant to be saying it to her and would continue on with what I said. I told her before I called that I was really worried because my grandfather didn't sound good the day before when I talked to him and that I wanted to get the latest update. She even told me that she thought it was a good idea, and STILL talked all the way through my conversation!