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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
so mad, need advice
I posted a few weeks ago that DH hurt his back playing hockey and had to take 2 weeks off of work. I had to do EVERYTHING around the house because he was barely mobile. He promised that he was done. We were going to start TTC this summer. Now he says he feels all better and is ready to go back to playing. How can I even think about TTC with him if he is going to go back to playing when I know he will get hurt again, and what if he hurts himself even worse. I can't have a baby and take care of him and the house and work full time. BUT I don't want to be his B*tch wife that says "you can't do what you want" So what do I do? I need help!
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Re: so mad, need advice
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Just playing a bit of devil's advocate here, but everday life has inherent dangers. Are you and DH both going to stop driving, for example ? I understand the fear (my husband has epilepsy, so almost ANYTHING has an even greater risk involved). Anything can happen at any time.
As Rori said, maybe speak with him about your concerns, and see what he has to say, maybe you can find some sort of compromise where he plays less, or coaches if you are that uncomfortable about it, but you can't be so consumed by the what if's that you fail to live in the moment and work toward your goals (whether its starting a family, or whatever it maybe.
If he says he's not going to play, why are you upset? Isn't that what you wanted? It seems he's doing exactly as you requested. And of course he wants to play - he obviously loved/loves it - why is it a problem he says that? You're now just trying to control his words - not cool.
Let me know if I'm missing something here.
Yeah, I get that you want him to understand your fears are valid. I hope he doesn't rush into playing again too quickly because that could be tragic. And he should be mindful that his health doesn't only impact him now that he's married but you and since you want children, your future family. He needs to be careful and accept that he is not invincible. But like Carfar said. you really never know what will happen. Not to drag out my old chestnut again but my DH was perfectly health until he mysteriously contracted viral encephalitis and became paralyzed. I certainly hope nothing happens to your DH but if it anything should at any time in your marriage, it does not mean you wouldn't have help and couldn't have a family. Disabled parents do it everyday. I hope to someday.
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We did talk about him coaching so that it would be more safe (ie less chance of injury) and he could still be connected to the game. and we agreed that that was a good compromise.
Rori-When I posted this he hadn't told me that he wasn't going to play. He was all set to go play Saturday. And after I brought it up to talk things through he goes "i wasn't really gonna play I just wanted to see what you thought if i did" which I just think is really dumb. Like a test to see if I would care.
I wish i wasn't irritated but I am. I just want him to still to what we agreed on and leave it be. I know I probably sound like a B*** but I have seen him get hurt too many times in the past 6 years. It's just too much.
We did talk about him coaching so that it would be more safe (ie less chance of injury) and he could still be connected to the game. and we agreed that that was a good compromise.
Rori-When I posted this he hadn't told me that he wasn't going to play. He was all set to go play Saturday. And after I brought it up to talk things through he goes "i wasn't really gonna play I just wanted to see what you thought if i did" which I just think is really dumb. Like a test to see if I would care.
I wish i wasn't irritated but I am. I just want him to stick to what we agreed on and leave it be. I know I probably sound like a B*** but I have seen him get hurt too many times in the past 6 years. It's just too much.
I'd approach it a little differently....
It seems to me the real issue here is that you expressed one of your boundaries to your DH -- that you are not okay with carrying an excessive workload in your marriage due to injuries your husband sustains while playing hockey, particularly once you begin TTC/become pregnant/are caring for a child. It sounds to me like you are acknowledge that such life changes will naturally create extra work for you. However, if your DH chooses to continue playing a dangerous sport where the risk of injury is high, you worry that you will be unable to cope with the additional demands on your time, energy and resources.
Boundaries are about protecting yourself and your needs (not controlling the other person), so if the other person violates those boundaries, you are fully entitled to shift your behaviors in order to protect yourself further. It is ultimately your DH's choice to decide which is more important to him -- fulfilling his desires at the risk of certain consequences, or respecting your boundaries and avoiding undesired consequences. You can't make the decision for him, since that will only make him resentful towards you. He's got to decide for himself given all the info at hand, and then own the results.
If he chooses to put his own desires first, then you must decide if you will enforce the consequences. What those consequences are are completely up to you, depending on how you feel about it, and what you will actually follow through with. If I were in your shoes, my consequence would be that if he chooses to continue to play and injures himself again that I will not have the time, energy and resources to devote to caring for him, so he will need to plan to care for himself. Don't put this across as a threat, but instead calmly explain that you will be realistically unable to care for him given the other demands on you time.
Chances are your DH will make a responsible decision. But, if he doesn't, at least you've set yourself up to not have to be responsible for his poor choices down the road!
you will survive taking care of a husband, baby, house AND work FT. i've been there, survived that. my h works a very physically demanding job and last December he hurt his back and was basicially immobile for 3 wks during the holiday season. i took care of everything. granted it wasn't a 'traditional' christmas but we all survived no worse for the wear.
i personally wouldn't hold off ttc on a big 'what if' .. i say let him play.