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Cutting my losses with my Mom.
Is anyone else in my situation?
First I would like to say I love my mother very much. I have realized how much of my life she is not a part of, I am torn between sadness and acceptance.
My mom, (my father passed away) lives 15 miles from DH and I.
My mom is a talker NOT a listener, this is not new. To avoid frustration and disappointment - I listen to her when we get together or on the phone. Other than "how are you?" she never asks anything, so all is well. My Dad was the listener, very supportive parent. I am an only child.
The past year has been filled with medical challenges, life changing events, tears and joys for my DH and I and my mom has NO idea. ! (Nor has she noticed!!)
I have a large support network so I am o.k. but I can not help but to feel bad or ackward about the fact that my mom is so far out of the loop. I have tried to involve her and include her, but it hurts me when she shows NO interest. She goes right on with talking about herself.
I fear having my mother as a part of any group of my friends/loved ones, I worry someone will mention something that I never told my mom 
Ugghh how did this happen!?!
I feel my approach spares my disappointment while not expecting my mother to change.
Am I alone here?
Re: Cutting my losses with my Mom.
My mom is a classic narcissist and I also am an only. She was a single mother so I spent my entire life feeding her ego (which can't ever be satiated). I always wanted to cut my mom off but I never did as she was my only parent despite her living in an alternate reality. About two years ago she through a HUGE tantrum and said she just couldn't be a part of my life (blah, blah, blah). Well, this time I didn't come running to make nice with her. She still sees my daughter once a week but she has no contact with my son and once my daughter figures out she is BSC that will end too.
Honestly, I love my mother and she has a lot of wonderful qualities but I just couldn't continue to let her drain every ounce of emotional energy out of me to the detriment of myself, my marriage and the needs of my family.
Good luck.
You sound pretty disappointed for someone who has worked so hard to avoid disappointment.
If your mother over-hears something and asks you why you haven't told her, can't you just say, point blank "Mom, we talk about you. Not me. Frankly, you haven't shown an interest."
I know that would be incredibly emotionally charged for you, inspiring a flod of emotions. But do you think your mother would really be that shocked or bothered?
You are not alone, but I think you need to find a way to be okay with your disappointment as it is perfectly okay to be disappointed that you do not have the type of relationship you would like with your mother.
My mother does not ask me questions about myself and for the most part does not listen to me when I have tried to talk about myself in the past. She uses my information to get close with other family members as her primary motive to "talk to me" and we lack a genuine mother-daughter bond. I have grown up with feelings of sadness and disappointment at what I don't have and what I am jealous of when I see other mother-daughter relationships that are close. My mother was never a good role model for me, in fact I think she hurt me more than anything by setting an example of staying in a marriage where she was and has never been treated with respect or as an equal.
We talk, but it's mainly about the weather and my sibling's children. Sometimes she will tell me she is upset with me because I do not share personal details about myself and I remind her that I do not trust her to keep my information in confidence. She then defends herself saying the entire family has a right to know my information and then I usually end with - that's why I do not tell anyone anything because it's MY information and I disagree that everyone has a right to it.
It's sad and it's been hard for me to live with the disappointment. Counseling has helped me and I work on getting what I need out of other things in life, but the reality is that there's always going to be a hole in my heart where I never had that relationship and wished I had. Learning to tolerate that has been one of my most difficult struggles in life.
My mother is not in my life at all, for a number of reasons. At the top of the list is that she cuts & runs when something doesn't go exactly her way and I refuse to put my kids through that.
Cutting her out of my life has been extremely difficult even though I know I'm doing the right thing. Letting go of ideals that we could have a good relationship is so hard. Seriously, I was sad watching the hometown dates on the Bachelor last night because I've never been able to talk to my mom the way these girls were talking to theirs. So pathetic.
If you're not in therapy already, I strongly encourage you to go. It really helps to have someone to talk to and to help you come to terms with the reality of who your mom is, not who you hoped she would be. Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't share a lot of my life with my mom for a different reason. She is quick to gossip / spread news where I don't think it's appropriate (no boundries), and also nosy and controlling. She is quick to question my choices, while frankly, I don't think she is as informed as I am in many things, and I"m not interested in her opinion. I love her, but her choices are not my choices, and I"m not interested in hearing from her.
My mom lives close to my town, but I share more info about my kids with my neighbors and friends, the parents of my children's friends.
Anyway, if she asks why she doesn't know, realize that it's NOT because she cares so much about you - its the blow to her ego that she's not the center of the universe. I would just reply "it really doesn't concern you." or "we just told a few people." Yep, it might hurt her that she isn't in your inner circle, but she created that herself.
I am right there with you. Your words describe what I have dealt with for years.
I don't have much of a relationship with my mom and I have accepted it. When my step-dad died, things got worse. She has always had very little interest in what is happening in my life, but she loves to share all of her news. I have a wonderful family of my own and I am okay with who is in my life. I can't be concerned with who is not in my life. The most important thing is to understand and accept it.
It is a shame. I love her. She gave me life, but it is this way. I am disappointed but not a thing that I have done until now or ever will do will change it nor would I want it to change at this point in my life.
If you have tried to involve her and include her and she shows no interest in knowing about what is going on in your life, what makes you think that if someone mentions something that you never told your Mother she will be upset? She most likely won't even remember if you told her or not from what you describe about her personality. You could always say you forgot to tell her about the incident.
She sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that can be hard to deal with. If you google this, this type of personality frequently interrupts others in conversation, and gets impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.
You are definitely not alone in this - Im in the same boat, but switch out Mother for "Father" and you have my situation, the twist however is that my mother passed away, and Im pregnant with my first child, and he really shows no interest.
The difference here is that in my situation, there is no disappointment or hurt or any of those kinds of feelings. My mother when alive was both mother and father to me. She is now gone, and well - he has missed his chance and I dont require a father.
Personally, I recognize and accept that he was and will never be what I ever needed and therefore Im not hurt by his actions or inaction. As much as he's not a part of my life, Im not a part of his.
I also understand that sometimes even when someone is a parent in the biological sense, that doesnt mean that they ARE a parent - it takes much more than that. And because they are a biological connection doesnt mean they just get a pass into your life. For someone that says that your approach "spares your disappointment" - you sure are concerned with HER feelings. Carry on with your life, and if she wants to be involved appropriately, I assume she'll conduct herself that way. And if she isn't good TO you and good FOR you, why keep her around? Kind of self hating, no?
AND, there are countless people that are involved in my life daily that are a constant source of love and support - my husband, and friends - thats what family is anyway... look to those people who are there for you all the time...
Thank you for the thoughts and comments. I apparently am not alone.
I did not mention that we been in professional counseling years ago, I found it interesting that she did not listen to HIM either, she just waited to talk. (it still makes me laugh!) I learned to modifiy my expectations.
My Father and I were very close, he made up for a world of my mother's short comings, I did not realize the extent of the short-comings until he passed away. My parents where very good to me.
I am not and have NO intentions of excluding my mom from my life. I go with her to MD appt.'s etc. She enjoys spending time with me and talking to me. She has never done anything to intentionally hurt me. She simply lives in her own world and I need to cut my losses on having a sharing mother-daughter relationship.
One day she will be gone and I will look back on it all be have peace in knowing that I was a good daughter. I have learned how important it is to be a good listener and be supportive and loving to my loved ones.
Best wishes to all!
I definitely understand where you are coming from. I've never had the mother-daughter relationship I had always wished for; however, I am thankful I have a relatioship with my mother.
What makes it difficult for me is that my mother is a very tradional Chinese mother and I am a first generation Asian-American. Communication is difficult as she doesn't understand English very much and my Chinese is limited to the basics. My dad passed away 2 years ago and though I realize how much my mother can get on my nerves and press my buttons, I love this woman with all my heart and I know deep inside, she knows I am a good daughter even if she doesn't say it.
I just want to say Kudos for everything you do! Best wishes and take care!