November 2010 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
If you lived together prior to marriage..
What has changed?
Honestly for us, it seems like we're arguing more than we did before. I know it's because we're both stressed with work and money is really tight.. but the littlest things seem like such a big deal now!
Am I crazy or is this happening to anyone else?
Re: If you lived together prior to marriage..
ha. That's happening to us too. I think we're just more comfortable bickering now, because we know we're married and we'll get through/over it. Lame, but true
We are, however, getting in less actual arguments, I feel. Just more little bickering kind of stuff. It's also freezing here (like 12 below without windchill all week) so we fight over who has to take out the dog, etc. I'm hoping once our money evens out again, and it warms up we'll both be happier.
Eat.Drink.BeMarried. Blog.
We lived briefly together after we got engaged to try and sell my house. Honestly everything was so insanely busy then there really wasn't time to fight. Also, I was very conscious of coming in and invading his space. A lot of my stuff lived in the basement. Now that the rush of planning is over, I'm ready for projects and to make the place reflect me/us a bit more rather than a bachelor pad. There are little arguements about how/when that get accomplished.
Also I was pretty hands off about how we attack running the household. Who does what and when. In the middle of this I took a new job right after we got married. And honestly it is so much more time than either of us anticipated. I lose about 3 more hours a day. Just getting anything done is a trial for me and I feel really burdened with housework. I need him to adjust to this and help me out. What worked 6 months ago isn't really standing up now. I don't want to fight about it and I want to approach it cautiously and thoughtfully about how we can revise our expectations. Otherwise I'm going to burn out quickly.
So I guess I'm saying - to a degree it's happening. Luckily we never ever make our fights personal. And we both are types that cool off pretty quickly.
We lived together for almost 2 years before getting married. I think we argue significantly less now than we did before.
I think now that the wedding is over with and our bank account is looking better (hello married tax return!!), we're under significantly less stress. We seem happier. Part of it could be because before we were married I always had this tinge of guilt like we were sinners (I went to Catholic school... it's embedded into me).
You're not crazy. I think it's actually common, even if you did live together.
The first month was hard for us, mainly because everyone seemed to think that now we were married, we didn't have any issues! "you're a newlywed, you should be happy constantly!" Ha. Nothing really changes. You have a new last name and now you can live together without judgment. That's it.
We're doing much better now, though. Hang in there!
Books read in 2012: 21/50
Okay, we didn't live together beforehand, but like Bay says, the expectations can be tough for that first month. People make dumb comments for months afterwards about how we must now be on Cloud 9 and "still on the honeymoon." Well... no we are not still in the Bahamas lol. Life is just life - real, everyday... H and I have had some REALLY bad weeks. Am I surprised? No. Does it still stink when you go to bed mad/angry/hurt? YES!
Now that we're on the third month, I can see we've grown a lot. Funny, because we had plenty of opportunities for growth when dating (dated 3 years) but something about marriage changes it up a bit? All that to say... I do think it gets better. I am already getting that mushy, giddy feeling again but not because of a tropical island but because I realize, "Wow, I have a real husband, a man who will work it out with me for life, through thick and thin."
We've lived together since May of 2008. We've been much more stress-free and carefree since the wedding planning has ended. DH also has a significantly lighter work load this semester (he's a PhD candidate) which has improved his mood overall.
Regarding the division of household labor -- don't be afraid to bring up the subject! I know it's bad to say that you can "train" your husband to do chores (if that's a weakness)...it sounds like training a dog. But I swear I have! DH is home more-or-less all of the day while I work outside of the home. Since I started working in 2008, I set the expectation that if all he did before I get home is make the bed and wash whatever dishes he has dirtied during the day, I would be a happy camper. This was huge for him because beforehand he never really had a deadline for doing chores...he just did them as he saw they needed doing. I assisted by calling him when I left work, which gave him 30-40 minutes to get busy if he'd been procrastinating. I can now wholeheartedly say that 90% of the time I return home to a made bed and clean dishes as well as a picked-up living room and bedroom and even dinner simmering on the stove (or at least thawing on the counter).
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What's changed? Well, we still have a housemate. But I have a hunch that when she moves out, the dynamic will change. It's always different with just the two of you. Otherwise, we're more in each other's business now that we're officially sharing finances with a joint bank account. We're more aware of what the other spends out of their "personal fund."
I think I'm with you, though, Manda - that we get on each others nerves more easily now. I guess the feeling that we're married now and we don't have to work to impress the other anymore or something, we find ourselves annoying each other easier. Not a good habit to get into, and we're trying to break that and still keep the romance going.
Also, since we're settled with one another (one major accomplishment in life down ^_^), we're both focusing more on our careers and are planning on changing jobs in the next coming months.
Married 11/6/10