Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Please help me deal with my mom (long...really long)
My mom is a very difficult person. I will try to give you some family background and then tell you the current situation so it makes sense. I grew up in a home where both my biological parents were present. My dad was verbally abusive to both my mom and I and was physically abusive to her when I was younger (less than 5 years old). In fact my youngest memory is actually of a physical altercation between both parents. I always felt sorry for and tried to defend my mom from my dad when I was growing up.
As soon as I turned 17 (graduated HS) I left home immediately and have lived on my own every since. I took no financial assistance for a car or college or anything from either parent since I left home. A few years( about 5) after leaving my dad seemed to mellow out some and we started to work on our relationship.
Of the many things about my dad that made him a not so nice person I had to admit that although neither one of my parents even had a GED my dad always tried to learn about things. I could not point out to him his faults but he was able to learn about his faults through life observations. My mother on the other hand is not very educated as far as being able to learn from mistakes and life observations.
About 2 years after my father and I began to work on our relationship with each other he was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 3 months later. I then again assumed the protective role and took care of my mom, showing her how to pay bills, balance a check book etc. I did all of this from thousands of miles away as I had no interest in returning to my hometown.
A year after my fathers death my mother decided she wanted to sell their home. I advised her that was not a good idea as the market was a buyers market not a sellers market. I told her she should purchase or rent a condo that would be at the same rate she would rent her house for. I advised this b/c I knew should would eventually want to go back to her home. She has never once lived in an apt and I knew should would hate it. My mother refused and sold the house anyway and asked to move in with me. I knew this was a bad idea but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Since she moved in this past October she has been nothing but problems. Firstly she has never once contributed to the water, gas or electric bill although she started buying her own food after I told her she needs to. Jump forward to our latest clash today I am expecting a very important call at home from a potential employer. I advised her to please attempt to be very professional and polite when answering the phone instead of the "Whose dis" that she normally answers. I even told her word for word what to say. She then starts yelling: " nothing is good enough for you, you want me to change the way I do things and I dont see why I have to. Why can't I sing out loud in my room this is my room dont tell me what to do? I don't feel free to do whatever I want here!" Then she starts crying.
I have asked her not to sing so loud b/c DH and I work 12+ hours per day on different shifts so one of us is usually sleeping. She has no respect for what I ask her to do or not do in my home. What do I do?
Gotta post and run but I look forward to your answers.
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Re: Please help me deal with my mom (long...really long)
Honestly, I would have never let her live with you in the first place. Especially since it seems like no thought was put into the arrangements such as duration or her financial responsibilities. I would ask her to move out and give her a set amount of time to do so.
I think you need to talk to her and explain that it's time for her to get her own place. Come up w/ a plan to make it happen.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ok so you gave it a shot and a good one at that! You seem like a caring person and from one "only" to another I can understand where you would not have been able to live with yourself without at least trying. But she is obviously messing with your finances as well as career goals and it seems to me that she has taken more of a child like role. You should suggest shopping for places with her, help her get out on her own again and then give her hobbys: book clubs, card clubs, decorating, gardening and such. It's easier said than done Im sure but I don't think you will obtain your independance again or happieness until you get the point across to her.
"Well, mom, lets start looking at places you can afford."
"Let's find you your own place so you can feel free to do whatever"
Yes, while I would have never let her move in, that ship has sailed in your case. It is time for Mom to get her own place.... and you are probably going to have to do the leg work.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
This. And what did she do with the money from the sale?
This.
I would give her a deadline to move out, and intend to stick to it. You can help her out by putting her on senior housing lists, helping her search for an apt - but ultimately it is her job to find a place for herself and move.
Its unfair for you and your H to be unhappy or have your finances drained to care for an adult who should be able to make her own choices and pay her own way.
I would also tell her it's not about the money - her living with you was supposed to be a temporary option until she found a place.
does she have any other family?
This. Unfortunately, through years of her letting you be the one to do the protecting, your mother has become your child. You need to be firm with her. This current situation does not sound healthy for anyone involved.