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WWYD- Name Change (long)
WWYD?
When DH and I got married 3 years ago, I kept my maiden name with no 2nd thoughts to it. I did it for multiple reasons: I work in the same smaller profession as my dad who is quite well known within it, I didn't like the idea of losing the identity that I had for the last 25 years and I will also admit a little bit of the reason was because I am stubborn.
Now fast forward 3 years and we are expecting our 1st child in May. I want to change my name so that I have some sort of family connection with my daughter, I don't want people to think that I am not her mother or that DH and I aren't married. But most importantly I want to feel more like a family unit now that we are going to be having a child together.
So I have the choice to either hyphenate my name or take DH's name completely, and I have absolutely no idea what to do! Both of our last names are not common and both are easily mispronounced so that doesn't really factor into the equation.
I already use a hyphenated form of our last name in many informal circumstances (facebook, email etc). However the idea of having a hyphenated last name sounds like a huge complication in legal/professional circumstances (work, credit cards, doctors etc).
I know changing my last name completely would make DH very happy and make my life easier, but at the same I feel like I would be doing something I am not 100% comfortable with.
So I really am at a loss of what to do. I know I can change my mind again but since its $322 to change your name in court (not to mention time/hassle) I would rather only have to go through this process once. I have been toiling back and forth for about 5 months now and I am no closer to making a decision I am comfortable with.
DD will be making her appearance in around 3 months and I really want to make whatever decision I decide official so it can be on her birth certificate.
I really feel like there is no right or best answer here. Any insight girls? WWYD? Anyone hyphenate their name- if so, how big of a hassle is it?
TIA!
Re: WWYD- Name Change (long)
My mom has a hyphenated last name. Her maiden name is first, then my dad's last name.
The only issue that she runs into is when places file her name alphabetically, sometimes she gets put in the wrong 'spot' because people don't know how to deal with the hyphen. Generally not too huge of a problem though.
On official forms, bank accounts, etc. - my mom's name is always hyphenated. If she is signing up for a mailing list at her favorite store or something of equal insignificance, she usually just picks one of the last names.
30 years ago, I think it was much more unusual to hyphenate your name than now. My mom has commented that she used to run into much more trouble with it, but now it is no big deal.
Based on your comments above, and if it won't bother you to have 3 different names (you will end up being known by: 1 - Jess Maiden, 2 - Jess Married, & 3 - Jess Married-Maiden) I would go with the hyphen option. It sounds like it would address your goals with the name change.
My only suggestion would be to take your married name first, and then hyphen your married name. Growing up, I was sometimes separated from my mom (on a plane, at a camping event, etc.) because they were trying to group families and they didn't recognize the connection between my last name and my mom's second last name.
GL and congrats on the LO
A Little Bird and a Monkey Butt
I didn't hyphenate my last name when I got married, but I did keep my maiden name as my middle name. Is that an option for you? The reason I did this was so that my legal last name is the same as H for the same reason you're mentioning. My parents are divorced, and I hated that my mom didn't have the same last name as me and my siblings, so I wanted to have the same last name as my husband and future children.
However, his last name is fairly common and my maiden name is not. I was (admittedly) a little stubborn too
and my last name is something I've always identified with pretty consistently.
The only issue I've run into is that my name is now really long. My CC have asked if they can just choose one middle initial, but other than that I haven't had any problems on official stuff.
That might be a good compromise for you? Your maiden name will stil legally part of your name, and you can sign anything you want as "First Maiden HLastname" and no one will know the difference.
ETA: I kept my 'maiden' middle name too as it's a family name, but it's only 3 letters long... my whole name is now Stephanie Lyn (maiden- 8 letters) (new last- 8 letters). 28 letters total
Eat.Drink.BeMarried. Blog.
It seems like hyphenating would be a good compromise between sharing a name with your child while keeping your pre-marriage identity and name recognition. If it were me, I'd worry more about that than the logistics of having a hyphenated name.
But if you are concerned about the logistics...
I use my full name on legal documents and when I sign official stuff at work but I use my maiden name for everything else.
I agree with mefindlay on some computer systems. The doctor's office consistently cannot find me by name and then there are other places that have to search by just one or the other last name. These are usually the people who comment on my choice to hyphenate, which drives me up a freaking wall. I wish I kept my maiden last name so it's extra annoying.
My new name is long - 34 letters - so it rarely fits on stuff like a shorter name would but that's pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
I think I'm in the minority here, but I'll throw in my 2 cents. My mom works in personnel and is totally against hyphenated neames for some fo the reasons mentioned above. People still get lost in the system, so she is in the 'pick a name and stick with it' camp. This played into my decision to take my husband's name. Like you, I struggled with the decision. my dad died when I was young, and I feel that my last name is one of the few things I have left of him, but I really want my kids to have the same last name as me. I opted to get rid of my original middle name, which had no significance, make my maiden name my new middle name and take my husband's name.
Since you are really concerned about your name recognition, I'm not sure this is the best option for you. Its just what I chose. Good luck with your decision.
I hyphenated, and I'm really happy with my decision. I wasn't personally motivated so much by the need to be connected via my name to my husband/future kids. For me, it was more a matter of how I identified myself... I have negative associations with my maiden name (family reasons), and I just didn't feel comfortable taking my husbands name (feminist reasons). But hyphenating the two names--which results in a completely unique combination--just really worked for me! I'd been referring to us as the mylastname-hislastname household for many years before we got married, so the transition felt natural. And again, I just kind of identify positively with the hyphenated name in a way that I never did with just my maiden name... it's hard to explain, but it's true.
There are a few minor hassles with computer systems, but nothing major. Certainly nothing that has ever made me regret my decision for even an instant.
I didn't change my name when I got married either, so I'm currently in the same situation as you (minus the pregnancy!).
If you're really set on sharing a last name with your baby, I think hyphenating is the best solution for you. Like Becca said, I would probably do Jess Married-Maiden.
Have you thought about keeping your name as is and giving your baby your last name as a middle name? So the baby's name would be Baby Maiden Married? That way, you're still sharing your name with your child, just in a different way. That's what we plan to do if we have kids.
I guess I'm not worried about not having the same last name as any potential kids- there are lots of reasons parents end up with different last names as their kids and it works out. For example, my H, Andy, and his mom do not have the same last name and things worked out just fine for them. Andy's parents divorced when he was quite young, then his mom remarried and took her new husband's name. According to Andy and my MIL, no one ever questioned that she was his mom because they have different last names. In any case, I know this is something that would worry or bother other people, but it just isn't a huge concern for me. If you're one of those people that is really worried about this, then I would go ahead and hyphenate.
Mr. Sammy Dog
I replaced my old middle name with my maiden name, DH and I have the same last name. I was never really connected to my middle name but now that it's gone, I get a little nostalgic about it. But with it, my name would have been super long. On the upside, I don't run into confusion issues with people not knowing how to register my last name. The only problems that I have had is that some vendors changed my last name but not middle name in their systems.
I like that I can write out my full name and still represent the connection to my family. That is important to me on documents like diplomas. And, It's really morbid but I like that my maiden name will be on my tombstone in some way. It should make tracking family lineage easier and ties me to my dad's side of the family. I also like that if something is still in my maiden name, it's easy to make the inference that it's still me when you look at my middle name.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think changing a middle name to a birth name is the same thing....you're not identified by your middle name as you are a last name. If I had done that, I'd be known as Ms. Big D, which to me is not the same as Ms. Missy-Big D.
Thanks for your input girls! It's amazing how some unbiased opinions/suggestions can help.
I think I am going to end up doing the hyphenated route, First Name Middle Name Maiden Name-Married Name.
I love my middle name so I cannot part with it. Also though PP's comment about getting split up in groups because of different last names was interesting, but I probably shouldn't have too much of a problem there as our last names start with Sc and St, so are pretty close alphabetically.
Thanks again.
I completely agree with this.
Question:
Why the suggestions for married-maiden instead of maiden-married? Obviously, people do their names all sorts of ways and I don't judge anyone for any choice on it, I just don't understand why this would be the suggestion, when I thought standard was maiden married. I mean, would you name your kid Baby Married-Maiden? Because if not, then you don't get the same last name as your kid, because you're Mom Married-Maiden, and the kid is Baby Maiden-Married. If you do, in my opinion, your kid has a really good chance of being referred to as Baby Maiden out of laziness, and I don't know if your DH (this is all the generic your, not OP specifically or PPs) would be okay with that.
IDK, like I said, I don't care what people do, I just don't get why people suggest that. I don't think it's going to have an effect on keeping the goodwill of the last name at work, because people are going to see in emails and hear when she introduces herself the maiden name, and I don't think that effect is going to be hampered by having the maiden name first.
FWIW, I changed mine. I thought about all the other options, because my Dad has all girls and is the only male with children in his family (and his sister took her husband's name), so the name kinda dies with us. But then I decided that it just wasn't that important to me, and it wasn't that important to him, so it wasn't worth the hassle.
Good luck with whatever you choose, OP.
I did this. The only weird thing sometimes is that I have to explain to people that my middle name is actually two names. Sometimes people want to give me two last names instead.
I agree. I actually did the two middle names thing, and in hindsight it seems kind of pointless. It is hard to get paperwork done properly, and my second middle name is hardly ever used.
Just to throw my two cents in, my mom never changed her name when she go married back in the 70s. I always thought it was pretty cool b/c that was much more rare when I was growing up. People never got confused that she wasn't my mom, and I never felt any less connected to her having a different name. Sometimes she got called Mrs. Dadsname, but never minded. I also kept my name because it works for me. Doesn't matter as I'm not having kids. Funny how it's such a personal decision.
Congrats on the baby!
I only got through a few posts so apologies if someone already mentioned this. My advice, change your last name legally but keep your maiden name professionally. My boss actually does this because she got married a little later in life and didn't want the hassle of changing her last name when she had 20 years of professional experience with her maiden name. That way on all the credit cards, bank records, etc. you and your hubby will have the same name, but you still retain that connection with your family.