What is my sister up to? DD

Huh? 

A - on the issue of who she tells, this is NONE of your business. NONE.  We were very open w/ our fertility struggles, but the 2 times we ever tried to tell my IL's, they totally shut us down and had no interest in knowing more.

you don't know the full reason behind why she isn't telling mom.  LET IT GO.

B - so, she said she'd tell you when she set up her registry.   She didn't. Ooops.  I think to be "hurt" by this and see this as some sign that she doesn't want you involved.... are you serious?

It's a REGISTRY.  A wish list of stuff they want.  Dont' make it more than that.  She may feel awkward saying "oh- by the way, I'm registered". 

Lastly, while you have a good relationship, be careful about overstepping your bounds.  You seem to want it to be more than perhaps it is.  Many times when people push for soemthing to be something it isn't, it actually makes things worse.

EastCoastBride:

Huh? 

A - on the issue of who she tells, this is NONE of your business. NONE.  We were very open w/ our fertility struggles, but the 2 times we ever tried to tell my IL's, they totally shut us down and had no interest in knowing more.

you don't know the full reason behind why she isn't telling mom.  LET IT GO.

B - so, she said she'd tell you when she set up her registry.   She didn't. Ooops.  I think to be "hurt" by this and see this as some sign that she doesn't want you involved.... are you serious?

It's a REGISTRY.  A wish list of stuff they want.  Dont' make it more than that.  She may feel awkward saying "oh- by the way, I'm registered". 

Lastly, while you have a good relationship, be careful about overstepping your bounds.  You seem to want it to be more than perhaps it is.  Many times when people push for soemthing to be something it isn't, it actually makes things worse.

 

danak1978:

It was a long road to get preg with them.  Now having said that, my SIL was VERY open with us and almost everyone else about the steps it took to get preg.  But she refuses to share that info with my MIL.  I recently sent her an email telling her that I think that she should maybe share some of that info with MIL, because it will come out in conversation eventually and maybe MIL would be really hurt that she was left out of the loop.

 

Why? Why are you considering yourself the micromanager of your MIL's potential feelings or hers for sharing or not sharing with who she sees fit?

Maybe this one is too personal for me, but I don't get it. We have shared our IF struggles with my SIL/BIL and several of our friends, I also talk to people I don't know that well but that have been through similar.

We have NOT told either set of parents and may or may not when I do get pregnant. It's extremely personal, we don't want them asking a lot of questions at this point and we know as they both want grandchildren that they have a different vested interest.

You sound like a bit of a busybody. Maybe there is a reason your SIL (and BIL) didn't share more with MIL. My MIL is very intrusive, offers ridiculous and unsolicited advice, is completely oblivious that a lot of the questions she asks are insensitive or offensive, and has a way of trying to make every situation all about her. Perhaps your MIL has some traits that they just don't want to deal with when it comes to their family plans, even if they are perfectly happy to tell other people. Whatever the reason, this is their pregnancy and they have the right to share information on their own terms. If MIL is hurt over being left out, that's their problem to deal with, not yours.

You are completely overreacting about the registry. As others have said, there are still several months left before the birth and maybe they haven't finalized their registry or are not ready to share it just yet. Maybe they're planning to invite you to a shower and assume you will give a gift at that time. It's pretty unreasonable for you to jump to the conclusion that they just don't want your husband's family to be involved, and even if it turns out that's the case, that also is their right.

Finally, stop blaming all of this on your SIL. Your BIL is an adult who chose to marry her, and if they have a decent marriage they make decisions together as a couple based on what is best for their immediate family. Stop looking at this as if it were just SIL trying to push her husband's family away.

Whoa there.   You need to take a chill pill.  (Am I the only one who still says that phrase?)

You're making way too much of a big deal about these things.    Like a super over-the-top big deal.   

I could actually be your SIL, sort of.  DH and I also had fertility help to conceive and we're also due in early June.   It's our 2nd though.   We had help with our first and took us a long time to conceive. 

I think maybe my sisters and SILs know that we had to have help to conceive, but my mom and MIL don't know.   I just never felt like telling them or that they needed to know.   It's almost like I don't want to trigger the over-protective, over-inquisitive nature of mothers maybe.    My mom is a bit of a blabber-mouth, so I know everyone she ever meets would then know that I took fertility drugs.   Also, my mom is a worrier, so when we started the process I would worry that she would voice the scary possibility of us never having children or not being able to have children, etc.   It was better for her that she didn't know.    MIL is just too nosy.  She's ask a billiion questions, and ultimately she'd hone in on the fact I took Metformin, which is a diabetes drug, and that maybe I should eat more vegetables instead of bread.    So that's why I didn't tell her.     And trust me...this doesn't just "come up" in conversation.    It's a private issue and you should never bring it up.   If your SIL brings it up in front of MIL, it's her issue. 

Now about the registry.  For my first, I didn't even start a registry until the 3rd trimester.    And even then, for a few weeks it was a work in progress that I just used to keep track of the items I had researched and was pretty sure I would get.   I didn't tell people about it because I was not ready for, and did not want, people to buy things off of it.    I have a registry now for the same reason.   It's more of a reminder shopping list for things we may want/need this time around.      I'm guessing your SIL just recently started it, but it's more of a work in progress than a definite must-buy list.    

So simmer down.  You have a good 10 weeks before you need to buy anything for her.    If you want to buy her something special, I'd ask her if she's having a shower and when that is scheduled.   You won't be able to attend becaus you're on the East Coast, but if she's having a shower in April or May, you can plan to buy and send your gift about 3 weeks before the shower so you have top pick of the final items she has registered for. 

I don't tell my mother anything medical related because it becomes a competition with her--she has to be sicker, require more tests, take more drugs, and be more near death than I am.

Let it go.  It's none of your business why they aren't telling your MIL about their fertility issues.

Ditto PPs. The fact that you told her what you think she should do makes me side-eye you. No wonder she doesn't want to share details with you if you're going to judge her based on what you think she should with her life.

Your line about how her information is all going to come out in conversation eventually also makes me angry. In WHAT conversation? You are going to share her information with MIL if she doesn't? That's totally inappropriate as well. SIL's business is HER business to tell/not tell and she has the right to tell the things she wants to people she wants. Just because you don't understand this concept does not mean it is wrong.

OK everyone I get it.  I am wrong. 

And what I mean by it coming out in conversation is... if one of her neighbors or cousins who tend to "let things slip" say something in earshot of my MIL.  I WOULD NEVER say anything to MIL.  It is not my life or news. 

I get it thanks to all your input. Good luck in the future!