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How to deal with DH's family.
Long story short, my in-laws hate me and I'm not fond of them. Until DH and I were engaged I thought things were going pretty well with them. It came to a head when DH's sister decided to get married two months after us (thus cutting the attention and financial contribution to our wedding, way way down).
My MIL wouldn't even allow me to change at her house for SIL's wedding. And 5 months later MIL and DH's grandmother are still going around calling me bridezilla (to DH's friends).
DH and I have agreed we are done and I'm not longer taking the emotional abuse his family apparently wants to subject me to. But we are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to how to deal with it.
The current situation: DH's sister (not the married one) called DH because she needs her computer fixed. This is the first time she has spoken to him since Jan 1st. He wants to ignore her (not answer calls, not respond back, etc).
Personally, I think it's rude and that he needs to tell her that he won't be on call for her only when she needs something. Because we handle things so differently things are getting tense between us regarding his family.
Advice?
Re: How to deal with DH's family.
Well, 1st be thankful that you have a hubby that not only sees it but is supporting you. I feel like so much of the advice on this board it getting the DH to see it and stand up for the wives.
At the end of the day it is DH's family and only he can decide how he wants to deal with them. As long as he has been clear with them about why he doesn't want contact with them, all you can do is support his decision. If he hasn't had that talk then encourage him to, then support.
My DH's family also expect him to be on call, so I know what you are going through. GL
Thank you for being very helpful in your advice. We don't believe that his parents (or anyone) owe us anything; however, when we are told we will be receiving X amount as a gift and budget for that amount we usually aren't happy when we end up having to foot the bill. Also, a geography and time lesson: I work in location A, which is 30 miles south of my house. My SILs wedding was 60 miles south of my house. The wedding began at 5pm, I get out of work at 4pm. Logistically, there was no way I could make the wedding and change at my house.
However, never time I think i'll just skip the wedding.
Thanks for the advice.
I'm pretty sure I stopped paying attention to anything else you said after this.
Normally I'm all about getting you and DH on the same page, but this is one of the times I'm wondering WTH is wrong with him to go along with your childish antics that OMG someone got married TWO MONTHS after you did. You get a wedding DAY, not a week, not a month, and sure as he!! not two months.
If he's willing to go along with you and cut off his entire family over something this petty they're probably better off without either of you anyways.
The attention thing wasn't really explained. Personally, I don't care if they are involved in our wedding planning process or not. My family was there through everything. But, it really hurts to see DH disappointed that his family was "too busy" to go shopping with us, get fixed for tuxes, etc. but attended all of his sister's events.
DH is the oldest of the three and has gotten the short end of the stick for a very long time. At this point it's less about his family and me and more about how DH and I can get on the same page about dealing with his family.
ok, well maybe i am in the minority, but if my ILs had decided to contribute to the wedding (which is so nice of them) and then later pulled the plug on it in favour of contributing to my SILs wedding, i would also be really insulted and feel bad for my H.
so, despite the fact that you are obv coming off as entitled to the rest of the audience here - i get what you are saying.
anyways - i don't have any advice for you really - i just wanted to pipe in and give a WTF to some of these responses.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
and based on this response, i'm really picking up what you are putting down. my H has the same dynamic with his family, which is how i guess i can relate so well.
my H eventually cut off contact with his parents b/c over the years - this type of crazyass behaviour only worsened (we've been married 10 years) and he's been regular therapy for about 5 years.
i sincerely hope things don't get this bad for you guys!
You come of as a sarcastic twit here. Maybe this is an exception; however, maybe you need to take a look at your attitude.
If, as you say, you left work at 4PM to be at a 5PM wedding 30 miles away and stopped at you ILs on the way did it not occur to you that they would want to be at their daughter's wedding early? Instead you thought they should accomodate you. You are never going to be more important then their daughter, accept it. I would be very annoyed if I was your MIL or FIL as well.
Your husband is an adult. Let him respond or not respond to his sister was he wishes rather than trying to control the situation.
Without agreeing or disagreeing with the rest of the comments, I do just want to point out that her inlaws did not have to be home for her to change/freshen up there. I've certainly been at my inlaws house by myself (with them not home nor my DH there).
So it's a bit premature to be assuming she expected her inlaws to be there to accomodate her.
Let your DH handle his family. He has known them for 20+ years and knows how to deal with them without causing unnecessary drama. I don't know how you can call it "rude" to ignore a request from someone who hasn't contacted you for over six months and really isn't interested in you unless you have something you can do for them.
Be happy he is ignoring his family and KEEP OUT OF IT!!!
Trust me, if your H tells them that he is angry at them, it will be your fault in their eyes anyway, so let him do what he wants as long as he doesn't drag you into it.
I don't understand what your SIL's computer glitch has to do with the rest of this post.
You mention absolutely NOTHING about her in your complaints (you say she's not the married one, who planned her wedding two months after yours), and then you end it with "....so, should DH just ignore her or TELL her he's going to ignore her?" Umm, what?
Frankly, you need to grow up and get over this IL "situation." The only thing that comes off as inappropriate is your MIL calling you a "bridezilla" while talking about you with other people, but then....who can blame her? You're upset about not getting money you think you're entitled to when your SIL was also getting married; it doesn't matter that she got engaged after you, it doesn't matter that the wedding date was 2 months after yours. She has a right to choose a wedding date that suits her, her fiance, her family, and his family.
Your ILs didn't have to help out either of you financially, but they wanted to help you both. How childish that you think you're entitled to more money than they can afford to give both of you just because you got engaged sooner.
And why on earth does your IL's attention to their daughter's wedding bother you? Did your MIL help plan your wedding? Did she go with you to get your dress? Did you call her first when you got engaged? Did she meet vendors with you? I'm willing to bet she did for SIL, and why? Because she's HER DAUGHTER.
My MIL loved not having to mess with the wedding details of our wedding; she did that with SIL, but not with DH---because she was the mother of the groom; the mother of the bride is a different experience. Of course she's going to pay less attention to your wedding---she was being an active part of SIL's!
I agree with this. I had something similar happen to myself and my husband. My FIL told us that he would give us $2000 to use how we wanted for our wedding, whether that be for a honeymoon or part of our wedding budget. My husband is an only child and his father was going through some personal problems at the time. without any warning, he cut that in half. I understood due to everything going on, but he pretty much lied about it saying he told us he would give us $1000. Again, I totally understood why he did it, but I was very upset about it. It is one thing to tell us he needs to cut it back bc of his finances, it's another to outright lie about it. I would be just as upset as you are about it.
We also get the calls to help out with things, but never any calls just to say hello from his father. It has recently gotten better, but I do understand. My husband isn't one to confront anyone on anything unless is has something to do with myself. I have just has to learn to let it go. I tell him what I think he should do to put in my 2 cents, but he has to deal with it from there. He usually ends up helping!!