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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Trying to spark conversation
A friend of mine was telling me that she received an invitation to a bridal shower earlier this week, and without second thought declined to the host. She said the bride-to-be didn't attend any of her showers (both her bridal and baby) or send gifts, so she felt no obligation to return the favor. She said "besides, the shower is a good two hours away from my house anyway."
So what do you think? Is it fair to not put any effort into going? It's for a cousin-in-law (her H's cousin). How would you handle it?
Discuss.
Re: Trying to spark conversation
If I didn't want to go to a shower I wouldn't go. But I would never decline an invite based on if their attendance record at my showers. That just seem petty.
I wouldnt go either, but not because they didn't attend mine. Driving 2 hours one way for something I don't want to do isn't gonna happen haha.
Ditto. If I wanted to go, I would regardless of if they came to mine or not. But if I didn't want to go, I wouldn't.
I think in this situation it makes sense that she doesn't go. It sounds like she might not really know this person very well and the distance is pretty great. She may have only been on the guest list so she didn't feel excluded (or rather her MIL didn't feel like she was excluded.) I don't think that she needs to use the excuse that the bride didn't go to her events to justify not going. Though I would still send a small gift as a token of well wishes.
I am in a similar situation. I have never met the bride, I haven't even ever met my H's cousin who is marrying her. We have no relationship with the family at all. And I was invited to the shower probably just so my MIL felt like her "kids" were being included. And the only reason I would go is because it might make my MIL feel like I was making an effort to get involved with that family.
Not sure if I will go, still. I think my H will be leaving for a 2 week business trip abroad that weekend. Not great timing.
I took the approach that it seemed petty to "keep score" based on attendance of her events. I assume it was vice versa when my friend was having showers - this person didn't want to make the two hour trek the other way, so she didn't attend.
If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't either. No justification. I once read somewhere, if you don't want to do something, attend some event, whatever; simply decline and that's the end of it. You don't need to explain why. I'm starting to take that route more and more. No hard feelings. I'm just not going if I don't want, and I don't need to defend why. End of story type thing.
I would have done the same.
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This is exactly what I would have said. If I didn't know the person very well and had to drive two hours I wouldn't give it a second thought, either.
Me too.
There are only a few people in this world that I would drive 4 hours RT for, for a shower. In fact, I didn't even go to my MoH's stuff because it was 6 hrs RT and all happening in the same time frame as my events (she set her wedding date for two weeks after mine).
I would base this decision more on whether or not I had a relationship with the person (or wanted to encourage one) than by the tally of whether she came to my stuff or sent presents. If I went based on that, there are a lot of people who didn't come to my wedding & didn't send gifts, that I'd need to cut out of my life.
Meh, I probably wouldn't have gone either.
If she was asked why not, I think her answers are fine too. "Keeping score" does seem petty, but I'm not entirely convinced that's what she did. She could have simply not felt like going, then when asked why not thought "Well, she hasn't come to my events and it's a long drive so I don't really feel obligated to go." If this individual had taken the time to come to her events, she might feel more obligated to go - you know what I mean? It's not necessarily keeping score.