Maine Nesties
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
H Vent
I already talked to a couple of you about this.
Seth likes to be a bit dramatic about Abe stuff. Abe was sick last night and Seth posted on FB that he was sleeping in 45 minute intervals. Really?? Because he got up with him once with me to take his temp...and I had to drag him out of bed. Abe slept next to me all night and I got up with him every time he cried.
And when we are in public...like at a place where we know people...he has to put on the fantastic dad show. (I am NOT saying he is not a good dad...he just puts on a good show). He loves to have people tell him he is a good dad...almost like he is insecure about it.
Drives me mad.
Just be honest and true.
Re: H Vent
I'm so sorry, Brianne!
Is there any way you can let him know how you feel? And that to be a good dad is a 24/7 gig? Even when nobody's watching? And that it's sexy to be a good dad and get up in the middle of the night to help? I mean, a way that doesn't involve writing it all down on the stick you beat him over the head with one night?
I wish I knew a way to help. If I thought he'd see it, I'd write a note on your FB page about how "a friend's husband" has been letting her do all the work with their kids until someone shows up and then he's super dad... (Heck, I'll still do that if you think it would help...)
Hugs hugs hugs in the meantime. And a reminder that you are an AWESOME mom. Abe looked so happy and healthy when I saw him earlier this week!
I think he probably is insecure. Denny did and still does (to a certain extent) the same kinds of things as Seth. It was really hard in the beginning because not only was I exhausted from doing everything, but I felt resentful that he wasn't doing much of anything. I just don't think that they have any "instinct" to know what to do. I have to say that if I tell Denny what to do, he will do it. So if I told him that he needed to get up with her, he would. Once she started sleeping in her crib, it got easier because then it was the same distance for either of us to get up and we could say that we would trade off each time. Breastfeeding kind of sets up the expectation that the mom will always be the one getting up.
I still find it REALLY annoying that Denny has no sense of what to do and that he always looks to me to tell him what to do. I totally don't get it. And it is worse in some ways because he gets to be the fun guy with Ridley while I have to be the enforcer. We have yet to figure that one out. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is always going to be a balancing act.
My friends' husbands all do this too. Men don't seem to be hard-wired to give 110% like most moms do/are. I've never heard of anyone having "paternal instincts."
So, maybe it is that he's insecure. Maybe he sees his shortcomings, and feels the need to compensate in some way - if only men could focus this into action, rather than words or an act.
Hang in there. I fully expect MH to be the same way (although it will not be acceptable to me), and he even complains about how little my friends' husbands do with their kids!
My Wedding Bio! Not updated in a LONG time!
This is kind of how we are. Adam is a great dad- no lie. But it was not instinct at first and I am still the default. Example- yesterday Adam didn't have work, I did, and daycare was open, so I was bringing him in since it's near my office. I tell Adam he should get James dressed- "What should he wear?" Um, I dunno, any of the weather appropriate clothes in his drawer? My actual answer "I don't care- I'm busy getting myself ready to go." Ok, so he gets him dressed perfectly... except for a lack of shoes. I go downstairs, he follows me and asks what else is needed. "He needs shoes." "What shoes?" "Ugh, I don't care!" "Ok, um, I'll go upstairs to get some." "Why not the pair of shoes RIGHT THERE next to you on the stairs."
It's the same at meals- "What should he eat?" I dunno. Or when we get home from daycare- "Adam, please bring in his daily report and empty the cloth diapers into the bin and change his diaper if you think it's necessary. It's the same thing as every day." Or when we're getting ready to go out- "What do we need to bring?" Um, the kid's been alive 19 months and you don't have this figured out yet? Try diapers, wipes, a cup if needed, snacks if needed, maybe a few toys? "What snacks should I bring?" OMG!!!!!
I think sometimes he just doesn't bother to learn because he knows I'll help him with the slack. Sometimes I think he's lazy and doesn't want to learn. Sometimes I think he thinks I've got a plan (because I'm a planner) and that I'll be upset at his choices. Here's the thing- yes, I'm sure sometimes I've criticized his choices- either because that's my style (bad me) or because it was a dumb choice- but all he has to do is point out he's a partner here and can make his own decisions about our son. BUt he'd rather let me do the heavy lifting.
It IS getting better, and I bet once we have #2, he'll be right there to help out with things and will know that I won't have the energy to dictate so he's going to have to figure it out or get yelled at.
Erika - you crack me up! Tim is actually pretty good about Dad stuff, but it didn't come right away. I had to really let go and let him learn it on his own. Because what I really want to do, is do it myself and get it done quicker. Yes, I know Abby's well being is most important, but that also happens when Momma and Dad are happy, too. It is SUPER frustrating when I get the "what shoud I do?" questions..... Sometimes selective hearing works, too. :-) If I don't answer, it eventually gets done.
I hope Seth learns quickly!
I know this is a HUGE part of it.