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quiet nature, sizzling expectations...
My DH is a very outgoing and creative person, while I tend to be quieter. While we were dating, we used to love making out and interacting with each other, although we decided to save sex for marriage. We have been married for six months now, and our sexual interaction has become slightly less passionate. I like experimenting with different things, and am willing to go along, but it takes a lot of work for me (I prefer seductive/romantic). However, my quiet nature makes role-play difficult at certain times, and I keep getting the feeling that he is disappointed with my performance. He says that I just need to try new things and not be scared or self-concious, but I feel that his expectations are so high right now that he doesn't even realize when I am trying something that is particularly difficult for me.
Are there any resources or ideas for female initiation, or role-play that I might try? Should I expect this to be important enough to my DH that he can respond to my needs? We have talked about these issues in detail, and he knows what I want.
Re: quiet nature, sizzling expectations...
*sigh*
it's one of those times when sex before marriage would have been helpful. you would have realized you were sexually incompatible and realized how big of a deal that could potentially be.
it sounds like you are making an effort, so this may be a matter of your DH also making an effort to meet you more on your level. of course, this leaves potential for him to be left unsatisfied, but it may not be the case. the fact that you expressed your distaste for porn, that he promised to stop and then didn't is total disrespect to you.
and yes, you should be important enough to your DH that he responds to your needs. you have your own set of needs, just like he does. he expects his needs to be met, and you deserve the same.
what about a weekend away. somewhere remote. nothing but the 2 of you. spend a weekend, or an overnight, just getting to know one another in the bedroom. it might not be a bad idea to try to work on your own self esteem as well. become comfortable with your sexual experience.
also, if something makes you uncomfortable, that's ok. your DH should respect you and the relationship enough to honor that. if he isn't, he is only making the situation worse and making you feel even more self conscious.
You block things on the internet and HIS phone? What are you, his mother? Don't you trust him? Uh, hate to tell you this, but if he wants to watch it he'll find a way.
Lurker here...
I very much disagree that this is a "sexual incompatibility" issue. It sounds to me like your husband is struggling with a developing pornography addiction. If he is willing to disrespect your wishes just to look... it sounds like this is a deep issue not just a "style" he prefers sexually. Also, as a quieter person myself, I have to say, I would do terribly at role-playing too. A husband is supposed to marry and love you for you. He knew you were more reserved when he married you, did he not?
I recommend keeping the communication lines open. Lovingly sharing your concerns. If he doesn't stop with the pornography and distancing from you, you may need to do "tough love" and insist on change facilitated by counseling.
Btw, my husband and I waited too. We are now learning a lot about each other and going out of our ways to meet the others' needs but we would never ask the other to do something that didn't fit them or made them uncomfortable. Healthy sex is fueled mostly by overall relationship health and solid communication skills.
This. I am a lurker, as well, but DH and I have gone through something very similar. He is more outgoing and experimental than I am. It is not that we waited for sex before marriage and it made us incompatible, he just got more involved with the porn, enough that it was really bothering me. When it gets to that point, it is bad for the marriage. If your H can't stop looking at porn and broke your trust by looking after he said he wouldn't, he may be becoming addicted. I know how much of a "wedge" it can feel like it is driving into your marriage. Your H needs to work with you and help you to become comfortable being intimate with him again.
Keeping communication lines open is extremely important. He needs to be able to tell you how he is feeling. Try to approach conversations with him very openly. Ask him if there is something that you can do for him that he would like. Really try to make him happy, and be willing to experiment a little, but you don't have to cross lines that make you deeply uncomfortable. If you try, he should be happy with that. Also, satisfaction should work both ways. Don't let him neglect your needs.
DH and I had many conversations after I found out about the stuff he was looking at. He respects me enough to compromise with me. He has not looked at porn in weeks and he's been more "receptive" to things that I try doing for him. I know people here will say that I'm gullible and my H is looking behind my back, but I trust him. Just because their H might do that, doesn't mean that every man does. I wish you the best of luck. Be patient and open, I really believe it will pay off for you guys.