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Keeping touch w siblings when estranged from parents?
So I haven't talked to my mom since Jan 2010, dad since mid-year 2010.
I do still talk to one of my sisters, who has a "good" relationship with both of our parents.
She posts on FB all the time how she has "the best family in the world", had the "best childhood thanks to wonderful parents", etc. It drives me insane, but most of the time I can just bite my tongue and accept they treat her differently and she prob does have a good relationship with them. (She's 12 years younger than me. Our "dad" is not my bio-dad. I never met my bio-dad, her dad took care of me since I was 4.)
Anyway - I can't get over the latest. She has mono and posted on FB that my mom is driving down to her dorm (3 hours away) to bring her soup and take care of her.
My mom didn't come see me in the hospital when I had my second brain surgery, gallbladder out, was recovering from a brain tumor removal, was re-learning to walk in rehab, etc. (We were still talking at the time.) But sister has mono and she drives THREE HOURS to bring her soup?
I mean -- Yeah, yeah. I should get over it. But wtf? I am SO sad, mad, and weepy. Cannot wait for therapy Weds. It's hard for me to want to keep contact with sister when I'm constantly reminded that my parents - who are complete a$$holes to me are normal, loving parents to her.
Thanks for reading.
74 books read in 2011
Re: Keeping touch w siblings when estranged from parents?
Sending you big e-hugs!
Not to thread-jack, but I found out today that my BSC mother, who refuses to speak to me b/c I have a relationship with my dad & step-mom, drove 1500 miles from FL to MA to give my brother a car she bought him. Mind you, my brother lives a few miles from my dad and sees him on a regular basis. For some reason it's ok for him to have a relationship with my dad, but if I'm not 1000% 'loyal' to her she's done with me.
Logically I know her gifts come with strings and I don't want a car from her anyway, but it still hurts that she'll go so far for him and can't bother to even try with me. I understand you pain completely. I understand how hard it is to try to be adult about a situation but still feel like a hurt child at the same time.
I don't know that I have any good advice for you. Just sympathy and understanding. I do speak to my brother, but very minimally. Is it worth hiding your sister's posts from your FB feed? It might help to not see that type of stuff so much even if it means missing her posts about other things.
Sorry you're going through something similar. Big e-hugs to you as well. Parents can be so irrational - as a kid I always thought adults knew what they were doing. Oh how wrong I was.
Thanks for reading and not flaming. I feel like I'm being so childish!
You're right - I should just hide her from my feed. I already blocked my other sister completely and am so glad I did. I hate that I feel like I'm losing my *entire* family over it, but it's the only way to stay sane. Grrrr
74 books read in 2011
Thanks, you're sweet.
My sister does know... she came to a therapy session with me about a month ago and I thought we came to a mutual understanding.
Today when I called her (I didn't know my mom would be there and I was returning her call) -- I couldn't help but make a comment "wish I had the mom you did. Must be nice to have a mom who cares about your well-being." I accept that I brought part of it on myself by even calling when I knew there was a chance she'd be w mom, and I let her have it - only so she could reply "Kat -- OMG you're always so ridiculous" Then I heard my mom go "here she goes again".
If nothing else - I realize my mom is still a nut and the no contact has been good for me.
74 books read in 2011
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry kat. This sucks and I understand why you are reacting the way you are.
My narcissistic dad does this type of thing with my sister; my mom still does to some degree.
Post an update as to how therapy goes on Wed, if you don't mind. My former therapist had always advised trying to set up the situation so that I don't have to hear constant reminders (eg hide her feed on FB, don't ask her about mom/dad) and trying to practice acceptance of the situation. If there are other things that I could be working on when this comes up for me, then I am all ears.
Thanks everyone. She's now been hidden from my feed, but I can look when I'm "brave" enough and emotionally ready or whatever.
Zest -- things like this have come up before, and she's always told me to hide her from FB feed, remember that sister doesn't realize how hurtful those things are to me, and basically everything else you already said. But I will post an update on what she says.
Seriously everyone - thanks for hearing me out. DH and friends can only hear so much of it.
74 books read in 2011
I have to wonder about someone who feels the need to gush about their wonderful family and excellent childhood on FB. It seems like she trying awfully hard to prove something to the world. I can honestly say that among the ka-billion posts that I get from the weird criss-cross of "friends" on FB, not-a-one posts that their childhood was wonderful.
Some children take the role of repeating the script dictated by the family/parents. When misplaced, it can be a defense mechanism for some, in cases of abuse or neglect. It can also be a form of denial. For your sister, it could be a coping mechanism for guilt. It can be very stressful to be the "favorite" child, especially when they don't feel like they deserve it. So they create a world where they overcompensate for the neglectful parents and constantly repeat a montra that eveything is bliss and ignore the very real pain of others.
And as for your mother's appearance for mono. I can only imagine that it takes a whole lot less emotional stability to cope with a kid in a college dorm with mono (the "kissing" disease) than a child in critical condition in the hsopital and rehab. I give her no credit for the 3 hour drive. It almost sounds like a cute party, rather than the serious, life threatning situations you were in.
Going through some similar circumstances with my parents - and for about the same length of time. My brother is my version of your sister. It hurts - and the whole thing sucks, because it does hurt and there is no real fix for anything. I think you are exactly right, she has a different mother than you do - my mother was a different parent to my brother and we weren't all that apart in years.
Blocking FB isn't what I would recommend because it would be participating in the triangulation they've created, and you're on the outside already. Hiding her feed is really smart, however. I would caution you into peeping in - I know it is tempting...but man, in my experience, it really is not worth what it costs us. If you want to communicate with your sis and catch up on non-parent related things, do so via email, in person or on telephone. For me, it has been extremely difficult to not feel alienated from my brother because there's this huge elephant in the middle of the room - it's the only thing I want to talk about, and its the only thing I can't talk about.
Thanks everyone. I am such a nerd and made a list of things I want to talk about Wed. It's been a stressful few weeks and I don't want to forget anything. lol
I'm feeling much better about everything today. But I know it's out of sight, out of mind. I tend to not resolve my issues, but just bury them. Which is not healthy.
Anyway - thanks everyone.
74 books read in 2011
I am so sorry you are going through this. But I can also say - I know how you feel.
I have not talked to my mother since 5/1/10. She has disowned myself and my teenage daughter. But she is extremely close to my brother, his wife, and their 2 daughters.
I hope you can move on from the way your mother is treating you. I know it is easier to say then do. I am still hurt, but extremely mad. And I don't think I will ever forgive her.
If you are close to your sister - then you might want to try to stay connected with her. But just tell her you don't want to discuss your parents in conversations the two of you have.
Good luck to you!
This makes me wonder if you should even have a relationship with your sister. At the very least she does not sound supportive, at worst she could be brainwashed by your psycho mother.
So sorry you're going through this.
I can completely relate. My parents have always been horrible to BOTH me & my sister, but she says the same types of things yours does. I constantly hear "I have the best dad in the world" When in fact, he's a drunk who let his wife abuse his kids and ended up doing the same.
I honestly think your sister knows how your parents are and probably understands your situation with them, but she has a different way of coping than you do. My sister has developed a way to just "suck up" to my parents and it works for her (like your sister who still speaks with them, etc.) I, on the other hand, went your route and I do not speak to them, or only speak to them when absolutely necessary. It also sounds like your sister is in college, from the "dorm" you mentioned. She's still young and needs her parents even if she does not agree with them.