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mil drama
About a year ago DH and I invited my mil to a garden festival here in our home town. The week before the festival, I was out of the country and did not get back home until late the night before. My job had a booth at the festival so I had to be at work at 5:30 that morning to help set up. I was pretty frustrated because I had no help from co-workers. It was also extremely hot that day. Between little sleep, frustration with co-workers, and the heat I was not suzie sunshine. Apparently mil was very offended because I was not in the best of moods. DH got mad at me because I was apparently was very rude to his mom.
Anyway, this weekend DH got an email from mil saying that she has decided to go to the festival again this year but she is going to go by herself. She said her reasoning was because did not want to cause issues with me beacuse she remembers how last year I was tired and not in a good mood. So, DH has been angry at me because my "rudeness" caused his mother to not feel welcomed.
I am over mil drama. She loves to create drama. The festival is over a month away. Why did she have to send that email now? Also, why even send the email? She could of waited until DH called to invite her and then have a talk with him. Her love of drama is the reason she sent it because I'm sure she knows that DH will call her and apologize for my rude behavior from last year. Also, I'm sure she hopes this has caused issues for DH and I.
Re: mil drama
It sounds like she had fun at the festival, but is still hurt/miffed off over how she was treated by you. She's entitled to feel that way.
Sorry, I did forget to include that I did apologize to mil that day and explained how I was having a rough day.
Yes I did invite MIL to this, but the work situation happened at the last minute and did not want to un-inivte her just because of work.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mil. She has had a history of causing drama. A few months ago she caused a huge fight between DH and his sister because she loves drama and for people to feel sorry for her.
Everyone has bad days and shame on your H for letting her cause a fight between you and him. And its even worse he's fighting with you over this same issue a year later. I'd be pulling out the "whose side are you on here" card, which always immediately works for me. My H would never want me to think hes on his moms side over mine, though I am overly sensitive about that (because of some horrific things MIL has pulled in past).
As for MIL's that cause drama... mine is really horrible about it and will cause as much as humanly possible. She would get off on knowing she could create an arguement between H and I. You and H should have a talk about his mom and how you can avoid letting her pull you into her drama and let it affect you, especially because that is what shes really aiming for. Shes hoping he'll "scold" you, which he did and you should point that out to him. It took a lot of conversations (& counseling) for my DH to realize and acknowledge what his mom was doing but I wasnt going to be with someone whos mother was in the middle of our life.
I think some conversation like this needs to happen "MIL, we're family right?, family implies a certain kind of closeness where we are bound to see each other at our best, and at our worst. I'm sure if you think of the circumstances of last year, you could understand why I was having a rough time, and I'm sorry that made you feel not welcome...but in fact you are welcome, and I promise I'll try to be in better spirits this year"
Your MIL can only cause drama if you all let her. My MIL is not exactly a peach, she likes to try and put me in my place (remind me how lucky I am to have married her son, tell DH I really should cook more and she hopes I am taking care of him, so on). We have no drama because DH has MY back. He tells his mom to knock it off, he does not get angry with me. We are on the same page.
If MIL sends me a message, I forward it to him and he takes care of it. If she calls him and says anything negative about me, he tells her to cut it out or he will hang up and if she continues, he hangs up! You all need to be on the same page. You all need to talk about what the real issue is and how to handle these things as a team.
This is really good advice. It's kind of impossible to feel "life family" around somebody when you are feeling like you have to be on your very best behavior at the same time. We all lose our cool, and our family should be more willing to forgive than anybody else.
That said, your MIL only plays as much of a role in your marriage as you and your H let her. IMO, the only appropriate response to her decision to go alone is, "Great! I hope you have a wonderful time." By reevaluating what happened a year ago and getting all upset about it again, you and your H are giving her a lot of influence over your relationship.
Also, I think you probably need to have a conversation with your H about what the expectation is from him around your MIL. I can see this becoming a bigger and bigger issue the longer you two are married.
I think I'd ask my husband, "What do you think I should have done differently to apologize for my attitude at the festival last year?" Asked very honestly, and listening to his answer very honestly. Was the "bad mood" beyond surly and the apology you offered mostly excuses/ not enough/ didn't sound sincere? Is there more to the fallout of the bad mood that needed to be apologized for or addressed? Is there more going in to the dynamic between you and his mom that you could be doing differently, and the incident last year is just a particular point of contention?
If he doesn't have an answer to that beyond that you apologized sufficiently at the time, he's just still mad you were rude to his mom that one time- that's when I'd tell him he needs to let it go and stop punishing you for it. In the course of your lifetimes, you will both have the opportunity to witness each other being rude or grouchy or unpleasant. If it's a one-shot deal that was apologized for and learned from, continuing to be angry about it a year later is unfair.
And beyond that- I would let go of the details of her bringing it up by e-mail over a month before the festival, or whether she should still be mad or whether she should have waited until your DH invited her to say something. If there's a continuing issue, deal with the continuing issue. If it's not a continuing issue, than what she e-mailed or when should be shrugged off as an awkward/ unnecessary thing to bring up- something that ultimately says something about her and not about you.
I would be happy that she is not going. Just say "you know what? Maybe it's for the best. Last year didn't work out well."
I'd assume that your company will have a booth again this year, and you can't control your co-workers, or the heat, so maybe it's best that you just relax and enoy the show without MIL. It's an event that you weren't made to share with her.
However, I would follow Mrs.Ginger's advice - what should you have done differently? If he can't say anything, maybe he should get over it.
So, you apologized for being rude last year, so your MIL should be over it, and so should your DH. Yet, MIL appears to still be having issues, and your DH seems to be taking her side. Nice. One, I would be happy she was not going, and two, I would be having a problem with my DH being angry with me and placing more importance on her feelings. The fact that she is not acting like a mature adult should not be his concern. He should not be making you feel guilty for past behavior that you apologized for.
I think a talk is in order with DH to find out why he supports MIL, and not his own wife in regards to this situation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The fact that your MIL proactively sent an email saying how she's coming but not to see you guys leads me to believe that she actually is trying to stir up drama.
Ignore her. Do what one of the PPs said and reply with, "Have a great time." When she ceases to get the reaction that she is looking for, she will cease to look for the reaction.
Is she expecting to stay with you during the festival? Or does her going alone mean that she really will be going it alone?
It sounds like your MIL is trying to avoid "the drama" from last year. She may have forgiven you, but it does not mean she forgot what happened. To avoid a repeat of last year, it is a good call for your MIL to go by herself this year. Like other posters stated, your co-workers may put you in a crappy mood this year. Wouldn't it be a good idea to avoid your MIL this year?
You are only upset because your DH is mad at you again. If anyone is holding on to last year, it is DH. And I doubt MIL knew she would cause problems by sending email. I just think you and DH have given her way too much power if her one email caused issues for you two.
I understand not being suzie sunshine - what you did not say or include in your original post (I've not read the entire thread yet) was if, when your bad behavior was pointed out to you, that you immediately made amends with your MIL.
That is key to this recent issue and if, in fact, your MIL can accurately be labeled as a drama-mama.