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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Gossip
I have recently realized that I can be a big gossip sometimes. This week I commited to avoid gossiping as much as possible. I'm finding I don't have a lot to say...
Anyone else struggle with gossip?
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Re: Gossip
Nicole and Sam 10/3/09
i guess it depends on what you consider being a gossip. i discuss my friends lives with my husband and our roommate a fair amount because they have drama central going on in them. but, the rule is what is said in the house, stays in the house. even at that, we don't wish ill on any of them so usually our "gossip" is more constructive critism that we have already shared with them or us talking about what we wish they would do (that would be healthier decision) to better their situations.
now back in my early 20s, i definitely gossiped. (and once in a blue moon, i will now too.) i don't know many people that are truly able to stay off the gossip train completely.
Part of my struggle with gossip is really, in essence, you are judging the people you are talking about and analyzing parts of their life you have no right to analyze. And I am trying to learn not to judge people, it's not my place or right. I also sometimes vent about friends to co-workers or other people and that's not right either. That 'venting' can also feed the frustration/anger and make the situation worse. If I'm discussing this kind of stuff with my husband I don't really consider it gossip, but I guess in essence it is.
I've realized I can occasionally be very two faced and I really don't want that. It makes me look bad and hurts the people I talk about- especially if it gets back to them.
i completely disagree with this. you should be able to discuss anything with your spouse. you can vent, you can cry, you can express your envy, disappointment... anything. i don't feel bad about talking to lars about other's. that's what he is there for. to be my sounding board. and believe me, sometimes he puts me in my place when i say stuff. "yeah, but lily, did you think about it like this?"
I agree with this, I talk to my DH about everything and sometimes that includes "gossip" even though I don't tend to like that term because its not like I'm sitting there going "gosh did you see what they were wearing" type of stuff. I do tend to get judgy sometimes and DH will put me in my place if I get too judgy, but some of our family (both his and mine) make some really stupid decisions and if they let the whole family know I feel its fair game to talk about that. If they didn't want people to know they shouldn't be telling everyone.
And I don't think for one second that I am the only one doing it, I know other people do it, and I know based on things my MIL has said to us that we've been discussed by SIL etc.
This is where my problem is too. I don't know what the appeal is, because it always kicks you in the butt later
Nicole and Sam 10/3/09
I'm genuinely curious - where do you draw the line between gossip and regular conversation? I think that you can talk about people and the things that happened without being judgey or "gossipy". I guess if you take it to an extreme, you can't even really talk about current world events for risk of being judgemental. Know what I mean? I don't mean to say that "Oh my gawd, did you see what that woman was wearing to the office today" shouldn't be curbed because that is catty and not necessary but I'm curious how far you're going to take it. I think that there is a fine line between judgemental behavior and having an opinion sometimes. You get to have opinions, you don't get to judge but sometimes people see them as shades of grey.
I also disagree with you about venting. I will vent to my husband at home about stuff but once I get it out there, it is off my chest and I can move on. I think that there is something powerful in admitting out loud that you're frustrated or angry or scared or whatever the emotion may be and then setting it aside and getting on with things. I suppose each person utilizes venting differently but in my case, I don't know that I use it in a way that is detrimental?
Like pp have said, I talk to my DH about a lot of stuff but I try to keep my thoughts to myself when it comes to gossiping with friends. Over this past weekend I realized how much some of my friends gossip about one another and it got me thinking what could possibly be said about me when I am not there. I didn't like hearing them talk negatively about others and I honestly think it is childish to say something behind a friends back that you wouldn't say to their face.
i also think it's a little ridic to think that you shouldn't judge people. we're human, it's going to happen. it's what you do with that judging that matters. do you just think it and then move on? do you think it and then follow it up with "but then again, i don't know their story.." do you think it, then say it to who ever will listen?
i think it's silly to be super hard on yourself because you judge others. if you're out there blabbing it to anyone who will listen, that's one thing, but if you think to yourself, "she looks HORRIBLE in that", i don't think you're doing any harm.
we're not going for perfect here. we're imperfect beings.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. It all depends on what you do with those thoughts.
What you guys are saying here completely makes sense. It makes me feel a lot better about talking to DH. I was borderline unsure if it would be considered gossip or not, so this helped me out :-)
I agree with this. I talk/vent to my H and BFF about people and things going on in my life, which is what they are there for. I wouldn't call myself a gossip, but I've discussed several conflicts with my H in order to figure out what to do next. It's a part of life to discuss relationships