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Living with DH Grandfather. (Long Sorry)
Hello Ladies -
Husband and I have been living with his Grandfather for about two years now... H lost his job from the land business and we just couldn't afford where we were living on just my income... DH's Grandfather lost his 2nd wife 4 years ago on Thanksgiving, and it was just hard for him to be by himself, and since we lived the closest to him, it was logical for us to live with him.
I love his grandfather like he was my own... But I feel as if living with him has strained our relationship alot... He is a very opinionated man, and will say anything that is on his mind, and needs constant attention... He loves being in the middle of conversations, and always wants us to be around him... DH is finishing up school now and I am working, so by the time that we get home, he is geared up and ready for attention...
Any time that DH and I want to go to spend a day together, he looks at us with sad puppy dog eyes. And it breaks my heart, but I feel like DH and I need our alone time together. Even just to have lunch together. DH's grandfather doesn't even like to leave the house anymore, because he has really bad arthritis. So anytime shopping is needed, we go... Even if we have to go to WALMART 5 times in a week. (Its happened more than once)
We got married in December of this past year, and I feel like we don't even have our "Newly Wed" Time... I know that I am probably sounding so ungrateful, and I hope that you know this isn't the case. I am so appreciative that he lets us live with him, but I just wish that we could have our time together without feeling guilty. Even when DH finishes school, we've talked about moving into our own house, and DH's Grandfather has already told us, that where ever we do, he's coming with.
Any ideas on how we can make sure that this doesn't affect our marriage? Thank you in advance ladies. I appreciate all of your comments.
Re: Living with DH Grandfather. (Long Sorry)
There is nothing wrong with telling him (and this should come from your DH) that while you enjoy spending time with you, you also need time alone as a married couple.
That being said, clearly living with him and saving money comes with strings attached. There is no reason why you can't buy your own house and NOT bring Grandpa with you. He's not your sole responsibility. He can go live with someone else in the family (DH's parents or his other children if he has any), or the family can find a home health aid or companion to come visit with him, do his shopping, etc.
What have you and your husband been doing during these past two years to be self-sufficient? Have you been putting money into savings? Has your husband been working at all (and if not, why? Is his academic courseload so heavy that he can't get a part-time job or a summer job?)
When you and your husband moved in with Grandpa, did you set up an arrangement? Like, "We'll be out in X months" or "We'll move out when Husband finishes school"? Or was it an open-ended thing?
And how does your husband feel about all this? More importantly, what does he say/do in front of Grandpa about this? Does he agree with you that you need to move out soon and that Grandpa's not coming with you? Or does he shrug it off and not discuss, or does he agree with Grandpa? Has he made any kind of effort to earning money to put away, or at least trying to finish up school a bit quicker?
I know how it is to deal with a co-dependent older relative. And I'm telling you right now, it's not going to get any better. You will just feel more and more guilt (and/or resentment over not having your alone time), Grandpa will continue to lay the guilt trips on your guys, and he'll angrily accuse you of "abandoning" him when you finally get the cash to move out because he wants you to feel guilt and stay/take him with you. The longer you stay, the more co-dependent the three of you will become. You're not doing Grandpa any favors by letting him continue to believe that he needs someone to take care of him and stay at home with him all the time. If Grandpa makes a comment about moving into your home someday, your husband IMMEDIATELY needs to tell him that that will not be happening.
Assuming you and your husband are on the same page about all this, I would sit down with your husband, look at your budget and figure out how long it's going to take to move out of there. Even if it meant renting a cheap apartment for another year or two, instead of buying your own home, I would do it just to get out of there.
But if you are relying on Grandpa for shelter and financial support, then he's going to expect some control over your lives. The sooner you and your husband can stand on your own two feet, the better. Otherwise, you really can't complain that he's not giving you any alone time if you're living in HIS home and letting him take care of you two.
It's been two years, so I can assume that you have made some assesment of his needs, yet you make mention of nothing but his desire for company and shopping. Yes, your post does come across as ungrateful simply because it is entirely based on what you want and leaves nothing for what he needs. You have to come to terms with the fact that you have, at least on some level, stepped forward to help a man who needs caretaking.
Yes, it came at a time when you had finacial needs. It provided you with a place to live and frankly, an ability to marry. So, yes, it seems like he's infringing on your 'honeymoon' time as a new couple. But really what you did - 2 years ago, is declare to him, and to all his friends and family that he had 2 able-bodied care-takers to step-up and make sure he is okay. You moved-in, which is QUITE a big step (and one many people avoid for the reasons you listed) and as such, became his primary caretakers.
So, take that seriously. If he needs more companionship that you can give him, call around and set a schedule. You said that you were the "closest" so it sounds like others are around. Make some plans. Tell people what you need them to do, "Can you get off work early on Friday and plan to come down to visit? MrAmanda923 and I will be out on Friday night and grandpa would love if you brought the kids and your famous lasagna. He'd love a game of cards or a family movie."
You said his arthristis is making it harder for him to leave the house. Does he have good medical care? Are his meds up-to-date? Does his doctor know that his pain is increased? Who can help him find better treatment? Who does he trust? Get someone involved.
Do you need more support and if so, what is it? Have a honest conversation with your new husband about your arrangments and possible family supports and get motivated. The good thing about taking your roll seriously and enlisting help for grandpa is that it will, in fact, help you as well. As long as you let everyone think that you have everything handled they won't call and offer help. But once you put the word out that help is needed, specifically, you will get it. It's been 2 years since you solved a huge problem, people are probably waiting to hear from you.
He has too too much time on his hands.
How old is he? THere are tons of activities geared towards the golden agers; most towns have clubs and outings and other groups for that age group.
He can also get out and do for himself -- join a club, volunteer, find something to do.
He shouldn't be counting on you and your H to get him a social life and keep him off the streets.
Too bad you can't find him a nice gf.:)
I agree that if you haven't done so already, that you need to take him to the doctor to see if his arthritis can be better treated.
Do you have a senior center in your area? That could be a good option during the week for him - he can go spend time with people around his age.
This depends on just how able-bodied Grandpa is, though.
Age doesn't really even factor into this. I have one relative who is in their 60s, and, despite there being dozens of activities nearby, they just choose to sit at home and do literally nothing but stare at the TV and feel sorry for themself. Meanwhile, my grandmother (who lives in the same town and has been widowed for nearly 50 years) is 90, she's arthritic and uses a cane, and she's lost sight in one eye ... but she regularly attends social functions, takes trips with family/friends, reads and uses the Internet. She's 100 times more active than the other person, despite being over 20 years older and in considerably worse physical condition. Because when she was widowe
There's a VERY big difference between someone who "needs" caretaking and someone who "wants" to be taken care of, out of loneliness/laziness, or the mindset of their relatives somehow oweing it to them (because they are the parent/grandparent and therefore an authority figure, because they've provided money and a place to live, or because of cultural customs).
As far as savings, we have saved up as much as we can after I have paid all of our bills for the month.
DH is working towards his masters, and we decided with his school load, that he needs to focus on that.
When we moved in, we didn't set any guidelines as far as when we were going to leave.
And by "closest" - we were going to school 20 minutes from where he lived. Grandpa lives in a small town, and we were from big cities. DH's "closest" family is 3 1/2 hours away, so it is hard to ask for them to come in town, unless they were already planning it
So in that case I would just keep continuing to save, and suck it up and deal with Grandpa. Spend time with him when you can, and spend time alone when you can. Love shouldn't be about guilt.
I would also re-evaulate your husband's workload and see what he can do to earn money, even if that means just a weekend job or some freelance gigs. ... I know PLENTY of people who held part-time or full-time jobs while earning their Master's degree and they had time for their work and they got fantastic grades. I'm really not trying to be mean, I promise, but honestly I'm finding it really hard to believe that your husband doesn't have the time for some kind of job to earn extra money for you guys to pay your own way through life.
But if you're really depending on Grandpa to give you a home and pay the bills, then ultimately you're going to have to keep him happy if you want to continue with that arrangement. You can absolutely say, "Grandpa, the three of us can do something together on X nights during the week, but the two of us would like alone time on X nights," but then you're at his mercy ... because if gets pissy enough about you guys not being at his beck and call, he could very well kick you out.
First of all, it sounds more like you are raising a kid, not living with a grandparents, this shift of power can make things hard, and I think you need to establish some rules and a time line for when you are moving out.
Second, just because his family lives farther away then you does not make you the sole caregivers for him. I think you need to reach out to family and ask for help because how much this is effecting your marriage. He can commute, or move if needed. A lot of families take shifts that can last between hours and months with a grandparent when they need help or feel lonely. You can drive him that 3 hours up to his "closest" family for a few week stay, while you guys get some quality time.
Thirdly, get him involved. My grandma is almost 89 but still lives alone actively without care. She lives about the same three hour drive and refuses to drive more than a half hour in a car. This results in my mom having to call her at least once a night (mostly about three times a day), me calling at least twice a week and my mom visiting her about every month. She gets lonely with this little bit of communication, like your DH grandpa, but what keeps her so fit physically, mentally, and socially is that she is in about seven different activities during the day and weekends.
I know with his health of not leaving the house can be hard but solutions can always be found. For instance, three of the activities my grandma does involve traveling out of the city or going at night. This isn't an option for her and many of her friends so they have their kids carpool them. It may suck that night they are stuck driving, but the rest of the time their family gets some grandparent free time which is so worth it. They also sometimes meet at her house. Maybe you can find something that is done through the mail/email, over the phone or meeting in places like maybe his house.
You might have to clean up a bunch of old guys, but at least you and your hubby can get some alone time.
Check us out
This living arrangement works because both parties involved (you & your H, and your GFIL) have something the other needs. He has a house, and the ability to provide you housing. You have companionship, conversation, and help around the house.
As long as you want him to keep providing you a home, you're going to have to keep providing him companionship.Well, you live with him,in his house. Of course he gets to say his opinions, etc; it's his house.
And if you feel guilty when he gives you the puppy dog eyes? That's all on you. You don't have anything to feel guilty about; and if you do, it's your fault. Advice? Talk to a family counsellor, get some advice on what to say and how to approach the situation when it looks like you're going to move, and then go from there.
Nohting about this process is going tmake him happy you're leaving; or make him feel less alone once you're gone. So. Have at it.
He can say anything he wants, but it will be your house and you get to say who lives there or not.
That's a hell of a lot of confirmation bias and anecdotal "evidence" being thrown around right there. I don't know what kind of people you know, but they are a small minority and most people can't manage this. Besides that, your Masters is your full time job and you make money doing it(at least this is how it works in Canada) and having two full time jobs is hard for anyone. Suggesting this is sort of out in left field. You must know Superman and his family. Are they nice people?
I'm flattered by you. I worked full time while I earned my Masters degree full time (2 years worth) . And I pulled all A's. It was okay, but it gave me ZERO time for anything else. Literally, nothing else. Even summers. And I didn't have to live in anyone else's house rent-free, too. But let's get real, the "academic year" is not the same as the regular work year.
Call me Superman.
I rather like that!
Call me Mrs. Superman, then. Married to a man who held THREE jobs and earned a 4.0 in grad school. And supported his father at the same time, when he had to retire for a medical condition.
I'll go ahead and third this. I worked 20 hours/week for pay at the University while getting my MA/PhD and 10 hrs/week adjuncting classes and tutoring at other colleges. It was a top 15 program, so not exactly an easy workload. Other people did the exact same things AND had children. They're the real magicians.
It really is possible. It's just not fun. But it also allows you to live in your own home, have as much "honeymoon" fun as loudly as you want, and spend your time the way you want to spend it.