Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Telling your mother-in-law you don't want kids
My husband & I have decided kids just aren't for us. I have a brother who has kids so my mom is taken care of as far as "being a grandmother" goes, however my husband is an only child. His mom has always wanted to know when we're having kids so we've always just said "5 year" knowing we'd have more time to push it off. Is there a time when we should just bite the bullet & tell her we're not planning on having children?
Does it even need to be said at all?
Does anyone have any advice how to do this without hurting her feelings?
Re: Telling your mother-in-law you don't want kids
Your H should tell his mom about your plans.
If she doesn't bring it up, you don't need to make an announcement, but yes, if she asks, your H should let her know that you don't intend to have kids. It's not a secret, and it's lying if you say you'll have them in 5 years if that is not your intent.
Your MIL will probably be disappointed. She has a right to be disappointed. However, you and your H aren't responsible for arranging your lives so that she is shielded from not getting grandchildren.
My H is an only child as well.
He sits down and tells them, nicely, that this is a decision that both of you have made.
Mom and Dad are allowed to feel disappointed (or however they want), but they don't get to take their feelings out on him.
I don't really think it needs to be said. It's a very personal decision that's really no one else's business.
And I don't know your MIL, but I would think that telling her about this could open a can of worms. When you let people in on where you stand, you're opening yourself up for comments, questions, and people feeling that it's then up for discussion/debate. Or worse, you'll get the condescending, "You'll change your mind" comments from people. Are you guys prepared for that?
It's up to you. Maybe telling your MIL would make you feel better, or even relieved, in a way, that the topic is closed. She would know where you guys stand, and maybe that would make things more comfortable for you and your H. But no, you definitely don't owe your MIL, or anyone, an explanation.
If she brings it up, be honest. Children are just not in the cards for us. However, let her know that it is a topic that is not on the table for discussion. She may try to talk you into the "joys of parenthood." Be firm. Let her know that you have discussed this at length and the decision is made. The truth is that she doesn't get to choose to become a grandparent.
I agree. You owe your MIL no explanation as to whether you plan to have children or not. If she asks about your reproductive plans, I would simply respond that it's a personal matter that you'd prefer not to discuss with her.
You were cruel to lie to her. "Five Years" means five years. So she quite reasonably thinks you do want children, since you told her you do; and all she has to do is happily await the day when you're 'ready'; and of course she thinks you two are happily planning and waitng for the right time, which only you two know will never arrive.
Lovely.
When someone asks you a question, you're under no obligation to answer. All you had to do was say "We'll let you know when we have anythign to announce, but meantime, don't look for any children from us till you see them". Instead, you told her she gets to have something she really wants, she just has to wait a bit. Adults don't do this. How old are you that you can't actually say what it is that you need to say, to someone who has a right to expect better from you than what she got?
This. If you tell her your decision, then it opens up more discussion as she tries to change your mind. It's not her business. "H & I have decided to keep discussion about children between the two of us. The topic is private, and I thank you for respecting that."
I completely agree... You should have been honest from the get-go... Since you decided to lie, I do believe she deserves to at least know the truth - especially if she asks again. If she doesn't ask, I don't think it's necessary to 'make an announcement' or scene about it, but I would definitely be honest if the topic comes up in conversation.
If they had started out this way, I would agree - but I think their way of putting off telling her does give the MIL and entitlement to the truth and an explanation [which is not the same as MIL getting a vote in the matter]. Because it has been so important to her, and obviously something that her son and daughter-in-law may have been leading her on about, I think it would be unkind and not indusive to positive future relationship between the three to give a "it's personal" or "it's none of your business" type answer.
My husband actually took the "5 year" advice from a friend at work. Him & his wife waited a long time to have kids (they met in HS & didn't have kids until they were 35) & they got sick of everyone asking "when are you going to have kids" so they just started saying "5 years" (even if it was only a few years away)
When we told his mom 5 years we were still on the "MAYBE we will have kids" wagon. After thinking about it we've decided its just for us. Is it really that wrong to change your mind?
No, it's not bad to change your mind...but I just think it's wrong to fire back with "this is not open for discussion" or "it's none of your business", when she's been hanging on to a deadline you gave her. She's going to have feelings about that, she's going to be disappointed...yes, it's your business but it has an impact on her.
I feel terrible that previous posters chided you for "lying" - you absolutely have a right to change your mind, you have a right to make decisions for your family. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
My partner and I have gone through some difficulties with his family when they found out we did not want to have children. There has been a lot of guilt tripping and snide comments, but overall, they're beginning to get over it. I just try to ignore it and take it in stride as I know eventually they'll get over it.
I think your husband does need to tell her. And it's your decision whether or not you ever want to talk with her directly about it. But stay true to yourself and allow them to have their feelings and you'll be fine.
No, it is not wrong for you to change your mind - but the advice you chose to follow was really terrible advice and has locked you into not having been honest in the first place. So my advice, and your MILs entitlement to the truth, still stands.