Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: DD? Seriously?
But if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.......
Did anyone catch the OP?
Having a child he didn't know about doesn't automatically mean her Fi is shady. Dh's uncle found out he had a child when the kid was 3 years old. The uncle and gf broke up, she found out she was pregnant, and chose to not tell Dh's uncle. She ended up passing away and her parents contacted Uncle. He stepped up and was pretty upset it was kept from him for three years. There is nothing shady about him for not being told he was a father.
Now, my cousin recently divorced her Dh. A couple months after everything was finalized, she finds out that he was cheating on her and had another kid, now that's shady.
...having an unknown child doesn't automatically make one shady...but two illegitimate children by different women before you hit the age of 21 certainly starts to steer toward the direction of "shady"
Ah, yes, I see.
I haves page 1:
My finace just found out he has another child...
It seems to me your biggest concern is your wedding and honeymoon, which, to me, indicates your mind is not where it is supposed to be. Your Fi finds out he has another child, with another mother. You say you don't know too much about her so was she a one night stand? Your Fi must have known something about her to knock her up.
I think the best thing to do is cancel all wedding and honeymoon plans until you at least figure this out or.......cut ties with this guy. He obviously has way more baggage than you signed up for.
I'm with ROK, this guy could have more kids floating around somewhere. I could not enter a marriage with a guy like this
I miss Hawaii
I would vote for a postponement of the wedding in which to get some individual and then couples counseling. And not with some well meaning but untrained pastor.
While personal growth is possible, especially in young adults, past performance is the best predictor of future actions. His is a pretty crummy track record.
I would urge you to see an attorney. My guess is child support is all she wants. Probably another form of support on which she's be relying is being pulled- either welfare, lost her job or a relationship is ending and she needs money. In some places, child support is based on household income. If you are married, your income will help determine his share of the child's support. If you are OK with that, great. But realize it could impact your own parenting choices, like how many kids you have and whether you have the option to SAH with them.
You say this happened in his early 20's and he's changed a lot since then.
But let's do the math. He fathered one child 12 years ago (late teens or super early 20's?!). You'd think that would be a HUGE lesson in life.... but then, 5 years after that, he got another girl PG.
Now, it's 7 years after that.... has he REALLY changed? What about a year after that, or 2 years? Or inbetween those 2 kids - yes, I would actually be wondering if there might not be even more kids out there. Because the first kid wasn't a big enough lesson, obviously.
I agree- postpone the wedding. Figure this out, figure out how it impacts your relationship and your life. Figure out if this really IS a guy you want to commit your life to.
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin
I understand what you're both saying. At the same time, FI is a much different person than he was several years ago. He was a typical 20-something who made mistakes and didn't think about the consequences (much like most guys that age). I would not be with him today is he was still that same person. I do believe and see that he has changed. That is clear to me as well as other people who knew him years ago.
My thoughts are not only on the wedding, although with the wedding being so close, that is where my mind has been for the last several months. I do admit to having some selfish thoughts about this. I think that those thoughts are somewhat normal...you can't help but wonder how this is going to affect your life. I've only been able to talk to one couple who has been through this, and they had similar feelings for a while. Their feelings changed when they actually met the child in person.
I'm hoping to find others who have experienced this and find out how they took the news and how they handled the situation.
wow really read that wrong! lol.. you may ignore my first response!
What I would do:
Post pone the wedding. There's too much going on and too many life changing things to consider before marrying this guy.
You need to get a counselor. Not so much 'to keep your relationship together' but because this is a lot and it would be really good to have someone that could help you work through all of it together and make sure you're both considering everything.
My Husband was in his early 20s once. He didn't father any children.
You absolutely should wonder how this will affect your life. I'm curious, what is your limit? 1 surprise kid? 2? 3? How many kids total, then, including the ones you want to have with him? Can he really be a good dad to 6 kids, spanning age from (probably) 15 years (if the oldest is 12 now)? Only you can answer these questions, but I think I would leave him.
"It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." -J.K. Rowling
I am surprised you haven't made any mention of the child's needs.
For someone actively involved in church, I find it stunning that your first priority isn't to find out if the child is in good health and well taken care of. This is huge news, and while it will have a very big impact on your finacial plans and relationship, you should take a step-back and realize that there is a little 7 year old girl who has grown-up without her father. It seems a little cold that you would say her mother is only interested in money. You don't know anything, and to assume that is just the worst approach possible.
Yeah... I'm going to jump on the "typical 20 year old who made mistakes" comment too.
Again, my point is he did this TWICE! I could maybe, maybe, throw a bone about the first kid. But after having a CHILD, he still seriously didn't learn a lesson from that?!?!?!?!? Do you really not think there could be a good chance there might bef more unknown kids out there? 5 years is a big gap between kids....
My DH, when he was young, like 16 young, had a scare w/ a GF at that time. That SCARE was all it took - after that, he was diligent about always using protection. And this was at the age of 16.
So, yeah.... I'm not so willing to write off this 2nd "surprise" child as a "Oh, he was in his 20's and just didn't think about the consquences" mistake.
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin
Livingitup...we don't know about the childs needs right now. We got this news at 4pm yesterday. We haven't even had time to find out any information on this child. Rest assured FI started working on finding out more information this morning. And the reason we think that she wants money is because of details noted in the paperwork we received.
We have talked about how this will affect a 7 yr old who has never known her father and about how to begin to be apart of her life. This is a difficult time for everyone involved and we've never been through anything like this before. We've talked about how to get to know her in a way that is best for her. We are still trying to figure this out.
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
My 2 cents: Yes she probably is doing it because she wants/needs the money. For those of you that are saying she deserves back pay for 7 years, how about she deserves to have her daughter stolen from her for 7 years because that is basically what she did to this guy (if he really didn't know about it). Also, I am a firm believer that people can change (not likely, but it can happen). So if this guy found God and is no longer spreading his seed around to the whole town, then good for him. As for judging him for his past... God is the only one that has the right to do that. Would I marry him... no probably not, but I don't think she even questioned the marriage part of it.
When I was engaged to XH I knew about the DS he had with his XW. Then I found out about another one. After we got married (which I shouldn't have let happen) I found out about twins.
I wish with every cell in my body I hadn't married him. The little voice in my head was telling me not to, but I did anyway.
It may appear that he's changed, but I think a person's core values are pretty firmly in place once they reach their mid-20's, and OP is seeing the guy he is way down inside. I'm not saying that he can't change, but usually that kind of change has to come from something that has huge consequences (like when an addict hits rock bottom).
XH and I divorced in 2003. I see him now and then because we have DD together. His current W likes to think that he's changed, but when we spend any time together, I can see the old him coming out (and it's kind of yucky, he likes to flirt). He's changed on the outside, but deep down he still the same. I'll be OP FI is like that.
To the OP, this kind of thing never stops affecting your life.