Family Matters
74 books read in 2011
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Update: Mom visiting sister w/Mono, therapy
Original post here.
I saw my therapist tonight. She told me that my sister (age 20) is still so young and will likely take a long time to see my POV, if she ever does. So sister apparently acted the way she did because she felt pressured and felt it easier to affiliate with my mom and other (also estranged) sister instead of me. Therapist feels the sister I do talk to probably sees me and the pain I'm going through, and chooses to accept and continue w the familial script we've always had; instead of seeing things how they really are.
So long story short - it sucks. I feel more alone than ever. Now I don't even have the one relative I was talking to, and I refuse to call her. Sigh.
74 books read in 2011
Re: Update: Mom visiting sister w/Mono, therapy
Thanks for the update; sorry that things are so sh!tty with regard to your family. Is this is the sister that sent you the email when one of her friends had a brain tumor to tell you that you were "lucky"?
I didn't realize your sister was so young. It took me until I was about 30 to start realizing how dysfunctional my family was. My sister just turned 30 and she is still in the same familial script mode with my narcissistic dad. Her graduation is in May and I'm sure I'll need a chocolate covered Xanax.
You have other support systems and a great H, if I remember correctly. Can the two of you go for a walk or go grab a late dinner, something to take your mind off of how tough this session was?
(( big round of hugs for you ))
Excellent memory! The sister I don't talk to is the one who told me that I should be lucky and count my blessings. And my mom is the one who told me it was my fault. And my dad told me to "get over myself" when I told him things he did that hurt my feelings.Younger sister is 20, middle sister is 23 (?). I'm 31.
But I do have an amazing DH. He's so supportive and there for me - and tries very hard to respect my boundaries, feelings, and doesn't ever push. Sometimes he's TOO sensitive, but it's because he's trying to make everything easier for me. We're watching TV now. Well, he's watching TV and I'm reading a book to take my mind off things.
lol @ chocolate-covered Xanax. Good for you for even trying to go to that -- I wouldn't touch an event like that with a 10-foot pole! But your situation's been going on longer and you're better adjusted to it than I am at this point (if I remember correctly!).
74 books read in 2011
Thanks, kat. It's been about 6+ years since I cut my dad off. Time combined with perspective *do* help. From what you have posted, it seems like you are giving yourself the best possible chance of going forward.
(My H just go home, so I'm off like a prom dress.) Hope you feel better soon.
Sorry to hear this as well. Unfortunately, if the dysfunctional family never "leaves" then there's potential for them to never see your POV or understand just how dysfunctional the family really is.
This is the case with me. I am the baby in the family, left and have really learned how to take care of myself and remove myself from the toxic BSC drama that is my family. I am still in contact with them, but keep it to a minimum. I feel sad, but it's a loss I'm okay with now because I'm getting what I need from other people in my life.
Sorry you feel so alone now, this is a great time to reach out and join some volunteer groups or social activities in your area to find yourself and people who are in a similar place as you are.
You really are doing the best thing for yourself, even though it's very difficult and lonely right now. There's a lot of people who stay in the dysfunction because it's comfortable rather than take the hard road that is life and move forward.
Thanks ladies. I do know that this is for the best in the long-run, and I don't regret the distance I've created. I just wish breaking ties with my mom didn't lead to the same with my sister, dad, both of their families, and now my other sister.
My ILs are fine (not my first pick - but they're decent people), friends, DH, colleagues, etc. I'm just a pretty private person IRL, so almost no one knows of my situation. But everyone who does is incredibly supportive and there for me when I need to vent, or understands when I'm ... uh, needy.
Volunteering is a good suggestion - if I have time today I'll look for something that triggers something in me in my area.
74 books read in 2011
My family has come a long way from some dysfucntion of my childhood. My grandmother was an abusive alcoholic to my mother and uncle. Grandmother was invited, once a year, to our home from Thanksgiving dinner. My mother became so unhinged that is was one of the worst and tense days of the year complete with random yelling, tension you could cut with a knife and a silent meals so uncomfortable that I wanted to vomit. As a child I did not understand what was happening or why. The real confusion was around the family script that "Thanksgiving is the best holiday of the year". Each year my mother would invite her mother and each year we would have to pretend that it wasn't just awful.
When I was a young adult, my mother faced her demonds, sought treatment and confided some of the abuse and feelings. She grew as a person and I gained insight into the horrible Thanksgiving meals. My sister avoided the whole thing, never daring to talk with my mother and continuing the script that all was well. Things improved dramatically, and she never needed to re-visit the subject.
Two years ago, I was in my sister's (who is 40 years old) kitchen with her DH and joke about the terrible Thanksgiving where the China dishes were smashed. My 40 year old sister denied it, and visibly shaken changed the subject. Her husband joked about wanting to know the family drama. We talked about it but she was STILL terribly upset that it was being talked about and very uncomfortable.
A lot of these family scripts run deep. You are so good to be facing them and the people in your life who are no good for you. It okay to be sad for the loss of your family. And its okay to replace them with people who can and will offer you a support system. Not all families are the ones we are born into, many (and many of the best) are the ones we create for ourselves.
Good for you for trying. Unfortunately, that's sometimes all you can do. Its hard to accept that people don't want to see where you are coming from at times.
FWIW, I stopped having any kind of a shred of a relationship w/ my sperm donor after my parent's divorced (I was 17). I tried unsuccessfully a few times over a few years to make him and my siblings (I'm the oldest of 3) understand why I didn't want to have anything to do with him. When the final straw happened for me, I told myself that they will either see it, accept it, and deal with it, or don't. They chose not to do those things, so I'm alone in my situation. It hurts that I can't feel close to them b/c of the animosity we have b/c they don't agree w/ why I don't want to have anything to do with him, but in the end I did what was best for me. Not them. It sucks that we aren't close and that they don't want to acknowledge that its okay that I feel this way, but it is what it is.
Its great that you have such a wonderful support system. They will help you get through the rough patches. I agree w/ pp that it does getter better/easier w/ time. Hugs!
LOL @ Kuus.
I'd love to hear your revenge thoughts, so that I can adapt them to my family. Well, not really, but I'd love to at least fantasize about it.
I'm glad you updated. I'm sorry, Kat. This is such a sh!tty situation.
Just try to remember that you are doing the best thing for yourself, and that you have an amazing DH and friends who support you.
lol @ kuus. I would buy that service!
I feel a lot better about everything today. Still sad and disappointed, but I woke up feeling much more positive and grounded about everything. One day at a time - and I can only control my own actions. I'm trying very hard to not give them the power of upsetting me.
74 books read in 2011