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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I"m over the in-laws!
Anyone on here just given up on their in-laws? My in-laws have treated me horribly since I became engaged to my husband. Things seem to be getting progressively worse. DH and I starting to think about trying for a baby and I just can't take the stress of dealing with them and their drama anymore. The major problem? They live about 2 miles away. How often do those of you who have poor relationships with your locally living in-laws see them? I think I need a few months off! Ugghh!
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Re: I"m over the in-laws!
This is an H problem, not an IL problem.
He cut off his sister, so clearly he knows how to do that.
1) You refuse to go over to his parents for dinner. Make him see that the consequences for making you mad are worse than the consequences for making his parents mad.
2) He needs to tell them they don't get to treat his wife poorly. The next time they say something to you that is offensive, he will leave.
Here's the deal....you want to have an extended family right? I know I do...but I did not marry into a family that is actually worth wanting as an extended family...and it's taking me 15 years to realize that. I have a fantastic family....and was hoping when we married to have an extension of that but they don't want it and trying to make a connection has only been one sided. I am done trying and in the end I am not losing anything, they are! I will be cordial....and that is the most I can offer now. Their loss.... Don't let in laws rule how you live your life. And your hubby can deal with them on his own....he's a big boy.
Don't go to the dinner. Don't see them. Take some time away. Gather yourself, and decide what level of involvement you want them to have in your life. Keep the TTC thing between you and your H until you're actually KU.
Admittedly they're going to be upset about your absence, want to know why you're not around, and when you're coming back. Be prepared for these reactions, and discuss with your H what you're comfortable with him telling them.
It sounds like your H is trying to help with things, but his approach is not working. It's time to try something new. Give this a shot - with a time limit. "H, for the next three months, I'm going to do this. At the end of that period, I'll reevaluate how I am feeling, and we can make a new plan from there."
If he is not agreeable to this, then I'm going to agree the issue here lies more with your H than with your ILs. Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto the people who say the fault is both yours and your H's now.
Stop going to the dinners. These people don't treat you well, so stop pretending you are one big, happy family.
Then tell your H that you are not eating by yourself once every week so he can be with a mommy and daddy who treat you badly. You expect his dinners with mom and dad to be cut down to 1-2 times per month, maximum (and that includes celebrations such as birthdays, holidays).
No, you cannot change people, but you can change the way you react to them. Your H is not doing this. Words are not working, so something else needs to be done.
Ditto Kuus. Weekly dinners would drive me insane.
However, in your case... There have to be consequences for their actions. DH sticks up for you and then what? Set firm boundaries and stick to them. If this happens, then we will do this (leave, not come to dinner anymore, etc.), and do it.
I agree. Weekly dinners would be too much for me, even if the circumstances were different.
Your DH has spoken up to them...great. But clearly, they don't care. And why would they? They've never had to experience any consequences for their behavior. They still get to see you guys once a week.
Time to limit contact and cut down on the time you spend with them. If your H still wants to see them that often, he can go alone.
I think the dinners need to stop all together until they can respect you, not H goes without you. Honestly, they would probably rather that so you'd only be giving them what they want. Your H needs to put a stop to this and if he cant, then ties are cut. END OF STORY!!!! He sticks up for you but what does this even mean, his parents obviously dont have any consequences for treating you badly so why should they stop?
I have had many MIL problems and trust me, they will comply if they want to see their son and he is adamant. My MIL told H he was choosing my side over hers and it wasnt fair, he should choose her or she doesnt want to see him. Well guess how that went... H told her if you make me choose I will absolutely choose her and I dont care if you dont want to see me. And let me tell you, she backed down REAL quick. That was the last he heard of her telling him to come to a holiday without me so she could spend a holiday with just "her" family like the old days.
My "in-laws" were great up until approx. 2 weeks before our wedding when they started all kinds of problems. It was gradually gotten worse over the past 3 years, until it reached a point where we longer speak to his father or brother.
We use to go to dinners on a weekly/biweekly basis, until the same things started happening. It was like a time for his father to lecture us on things that he thought we were doing wrong (we're adults, i think we can handle our lives) until one day things got completely blown up because my husband defended me and not his father, and his father hasn't spoke to us since. He told my H that he should of defended him and not me, and that I need to realize where my place is. (Obviously my father in law is a a*****) Needless to say we dont go to family dinners anymore or really have any contact with them at all and my life is so much better and stress free! Stand your ground and your husband should stand his too. If they can't treat you right, then he shouldn't want to be involved with them either.
I feel you. I have never really been accepted since we met let alone since we married in 09 after 6 years of dating. His parents are horrible and they play favorites so his brothers wife is a goddess and everyone else is ***, they even treat my DH like crap most of the time. my MIL talks about me constantly behind my back and its just a very immature situation. My DH and I have been TTC and I told him that if they want to see their grandkid they can come down here or call which they never even check on us. I mean we go and visit every so often (because DH's SD lives a town away from them) but I am not going to bend over backwards for them. They even try to run our lives right now from a state away and I dont feel like dealing with the drama of her telling us how to do things what to name him/her etc.
I wish you the best of luck, i understand your situation.