Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't like some of my DH's friends..wwyd situation
So I've made it clear to my DH that he has one couple that he's friends with that I do not like, at all. This couple is also friends with his family and his Ex-wife. So a few weeks ago, they did something I felt was rude, and it was the last straw for me, so to speak. I told my DH he can hang out with them when ever he wants, and even invite them over, as long as I am not home.
We are having a birthday party on Saturday for his son, and he calls me today and says "oh, I called and invited J and J over, I know you said you didn't want them over, but I thought this was ok since it's a party". He continued to justify it, saying if it was my dd's bday I could invite whoever I wanted.
I told him that it would of been nice had he discussed inviting them with me, prior to calling them. But of course that didn't happen.
My options are 1) once again put on my fake smile in my own home, or 2) leave for the day and skip the party. I was going to give a 3rd, and say tell my H to call these people and un-invite them, but he would never do that.
Re: I don't like some of my DH's friends..wwyd situation
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is an H problem, not a Friends of H problem.
If you do not like them and you do not wish to invite them into your home, then your H should stand together with you on it, no questions asked.
You come first, not his friends.
He also is lax in the understanding that you and he are A TEAM. He needs to get his sh!t together on this concept and FAST.
It's really a longs story. If I give you the short version, you will think I am being petty, but that is fine.
These friends had a party a few weeks ago, and we were invited. I checked the evite to make sure that my H's ex-wife wasn't on it (because she is also friends with these people), because we had a falling out and the last thing I want to do is spend a Saturday eveing in the same house as her, especially at someones house I don't even like. So, she was not on the evite list, so I decided to go to the party. Well, she showed up at the party. I said hi, and we stayed at the party, fake smile and all, so it's not like I stormed out.
I was bothered by it, only because these people knew all the history and problems we've had with my H's ex-wife. There is just too much to get into. I am not saying they should of asked me for permission, but I think if they are that "great" of friends with my DH, you'd think they would of, at the very least, gave him a heads up that they invited her.
Being that I didn't like them prior to this, this just made me not like them to the point where I choose to not spend my free time around them.
I think we need to hear the longer version of it. Because the short version of "my H's ex-wife was invited to the same party as me" is making you sound petty.
Are you just bothered by the fact that your H was married before and has a child? What has the ex-wife done that is so awful, that you didn't know about before your marriage?
Not at all. He has two kids, one with ex-wife and one with an ex-gf. I also have two kids from a previous marriage.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Maybe I am just more aware of other peoples feelings, and if I know I am inviting my really good friend to a party, and also her ex husband, I sure as heck would tell her. I mean why wouldn't you? I know when I have parties, I want my guest to feel welcomed and comfortable. If you had super religious friends, and were planning a party with a striper, wouldn't you warn them?? His friend even came over that day to borrow an ez-up to use for the party.
ok, to be devil's advocate - maybe they don't want to get involved? i mean, if the exwife knows you are going to be there and is still going to go, then maybe they were hoping for the same level of maturity from you. i could be off, but it's one thing that came to mind when reading your post.
So I take it J&J are closer to the ex wife than you?
On one hand I sort of agree with you, I would tell my best friend if her ex husband was going to be at a party I was hosting, he makes her uncomfortable - but I probably wouldn't tell him, we're just not that close, I would assume he would ask if he was bothered.
On the other hand, if the marriage ended years ago and I assumed there was no animosity since they have the same groups of friends then I wouldn't bother running the guest list by either of them.
Actually, I think it's totally irrelevant why you dislike these people and whether it's petty or not. If you told your husband you don't want to be around them, then that seems like a pretty clear boundary that you've set. If your husband doesn't agree with you, or thinks you're being unreasonable, or has no intention of respecting that boundary, then he needs to man up and tell you so instead of just going behind your back and telling you about it after the fact.
This has nothing to do with the friends and everything to do with your DH and his lack of basic communication skills.
I agree with this point. When my H and I are hosting a party, there have been situations where Anna and Bob had a falling out or Christy and Sue don't really get along or whatever. However- our perspective boils down to: our friends are all adults, they all know who our other friends are and who we generally invite to our home, and if they were to individually say to us, "Is so-and-so going to be there?" we would answer and we'd be understanding if they decided they didn't want to come. But it's their issue to manage, and ours to understand- not our issue to manage on their behalf.
That said- I don't think your H handled this well, and that I think you should address with him. You told him you don't want to be around them, if he felt that was unreasonable, he should have said so to you and told you his reasons for wanting to invite them to his son's birthday, before inviting them. I'd flat out say, "I think you should have told me that you wanted to invite them to Billy's birthday and talked to me about why. I don't like that you invited them and then told me about it. I don't want to have the kind of marriage where we undercut each other that way. Why didn't you tell me about it before you invited them?" Have a conversation, agree not to do that to each other, talk about what to do differently in the future.
This is totally and completely impractical, as well as degrading.
Even if you were able to TRUELY KNOW how each and everyone of your friends felt about each of your other friends, these "feelings" could and do change at a whim.
The only way for the host to keep up with these unknown and/or changed feelings would be for the host to contact each invitee on the list at the beginning AND at each change.
Can you imagine the phone calls for a dinner party of 15 people? 15 calls with a list of who is coming. 15 calls for each addition to the list.
Then what, "hey I (B) will come, but you cant put me next too A and D, but C and F dont want to be near B...."
Which brings to the degrading part. Why should the host be the proxy for the guests feelings? That's basically throwing a playdate.
When will GROWN ADULTS take responsibility for their own lives?
The issue is you are a grown adult, as is your DH, as is his ex. You have the ability to ask "will ex be there?". Would it be "nice" for them to tell you? Sure, but at the same time, the other side to this is that this is basically you saying "wah wah wah, I'm really touchy about this. I need for you to hold my hand." - and that's an unfair expectation for you to place on them, or anyone.
You have to take responsiblity here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Another thing I want to add as you seem to expect they need to tell you...
there was a couple in our group who were together for years. Never married, but the break-up was bad, and the drama over it extended years. More because of the guy, N. He definitely wanted and expected all of us to choose sides. He WANTED for us to pick him and ditch L as a friend.
Initially, we all were aware of inviting them both to stuff, we'd let them know, etc etc etc. Then over time, it got to be "old". L was fine, she didnt' care if he'd be there or not. He was the one who would be annoyed, etc. Oh, and he actually had started dating someone immediately after the break-up (we all think there was some cross over) and eventually married her and now has 3 kids.
He's technically "moved on". L is still single.
But yet, N was the one that we always felt we had to pander to and hold his hand. He was the one who would create drama over L.
Guess what? It got old. We stopped caring. HE was married, a dad, supposedly happy. But yet he was the one who caused problems over L.
And in the end, we all kind of did "choose" between them (many other issues were at hand w/ N, but this was one of them) - L is in our lives and N no longer is.
I know there are other issues w/ this couple, but on the party/ she was going to be there aspect, this is a viewpoint from the "friends" side. I don't know how long they've been broken up or how long you've been married to him, but there does come a point where his friends may simply get tired of having to worry about this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Tell your H that you are serious about not wanting them in your home, and that he has to either un-invite them or hold the party at a pizza place or other establishment. Yep, more expensive, but that's on him. Hope he has extra $$ in his fun money account.
I see H problem all over this. There is no reason there should be drama with the exW. She shouldn't be talking with you if there are going to be blow-ups (either on your side or hers). Your H need to man up and tell her she can't speak to you, and all communication must come through him. Also, he should have had a game plan when you went to the party. Ex that you don't like was there? "Oh, we were just stopping by, we have to go now." Let people talk about how he and ex still don't get along.
It seems like your H wants to be "the good guy" with everyone but his wife. Put your foot down NOW. And don't let him say anything like "it's for the my son," etc.
My guess is when you no longer have an H problem, the friends won't bother you.
I mostly agree with this... but I wonder if this is a you problem, too. When your husband said he thought it would be different since it was a party, how did you react? Did you get angry and make him see that when he does something like this, he's going to have one hell of a miserable time at home? Or did you just plan mentally what you'd do during the party?
Thank you for the input and comments.
My reasons for not liking this couple are really not relavent to this, and I wonder if I told you guys that I didn't like them because they stole from me or did something else, I am sure your reactions would be different.
Someone asked if these people are better friends with my H's ex-wife, than me and that answer is yes. I don't consider them my friends. However, my H has been friends with this guy for 25 years and I'd say they are better friends with him, than his ex-wife.
The way I see it, is regardless of what I dislike them for, I specifically told my DH that I didn't want to spend time with this couple, and that he can hang out with them whenever he wanted, even invite them over, as long as I am not home. I asked him twice who he wanted to invite to his son's birthday and he said "just family". These people are not our family, and if he did want to invite them, he should of discussed it with me prior to inviting them. It's my home too, and I think I have a say in who is invite over.
The issues with his ex-wife have nothing to do with what my original post is about. She was jealous and caused a sh!t load of problems, she spread lies and rumors and even told my ss things that were false. Because of all of this, i have no respect for this woman, and like I originally said, I have no desire to spend a Saturday evening in the same residence as her. These friends are well aware of all the problems she has caused, and I did check their evite and looked at the guest list and the ex wasn't on the list. I am pretty sure that this was done intentionally, because these people love my husband, and knew that if I didn't go to their party, my H wouldn't go either and not because I would tell him to not go, it's just how he is. We see each other all of 3 days a week, and when we do have time togther, we like spending it with each other. And the reason we spend only 3 days together is because we work opposite shifts, and I am usually gone in the morning before he gets home.
Thanks again for the comments.
This isn't an ongiong issue. This really was a one time deal. And prior to the falling out that my h and I had with his ex, we used to Co-host birthday parties and we've both (his ex and I) gone to other parties that my SIL had. We haven't even brought this up to anyone, other than us. So his friends have no clue that I was even irritated about it. Like I said, I didn't like these people prior to their party anyway.
The bolded.
You're being unreasonable, IMO (I don't get involved w/ friend's drama--the onus was on you to ask and being butthurt because they didn't run their guestlist by you is special-snowflakey)...but your DH's role as your partner was to say 'hey, you're being unreasonable', ot to smile, nod, and then end run around you.
Y'all need a new way of making house rules so that they're open to discussion instead of unilaterally being laid down by one person.
This is my feeling. DH & I have friends that are getting divorced, and we are very close to both of them. We made it clear that they both will always be invited to events we go to & parties we throw. If by chance they are dating someone, their bf or gf is more than welcome to attend, but they need to work it out between the 2 of them whether or not they can attend the same things. DH & I refuse to take any sides or dis-invite anyone.
I wonder if this is an issue in play here too. But even if it is, I think that he should respect her enough to just say it is and go from there, instead of finding loopholes like parties.
Check us out
Obviously one of you isn't getting it. Either he just doesn't see how much you are hurt/angered by these friends actions or you haven't come to the realization that he is going to pick his friends over you.
There are other options available but it requires good communication, trust and willingness to compromise from both of you about this party.
Sit him down and really explain your feelings in a clear calm voice making sure to explain your feelings and the situation but not talk badly of these friends.
After explaining that to him, let him have a turn explaining his side, hopefully he will take the clue and communicate in the same calm manner.
Make rules interactions like this: Ex. If you want to invite them to an event like this we will have a meeting and talk about how not to hurt either of our feelings but get through the event.
Come up with a plan that works for you both. For instance, they come early to the party, socialize for said time, give their gift to DS and DH has them leave. While they attend the party you are elsewhere. Do some prep work, go pick up the cake or balloons or cook or something to distract yourself for that allotted. Then after your DH has them leave you join the party with a real smile on your face to enjoy the rest of the party. This plan leave no room for wiggle space, which might be hard for you and him.
You have to come up with something that you two can compromise on. This is, at times, what marriage is about, and this is when you find out who is really committed.
Check us out
I think the friends need to be un-invited. It's family only. Not family and friends. He can say "sorry, the party is supposed to be family only, and even though I invited you, it's not going to work out this time."
You could also do a couple of other things:
1) Insist the party is thrown somewhere else. Not at your house. You made a rule, and you intend for that to be followed.
2) Do not lift a finger to help your H throw the party. Don't decorate, cook, go pick up napkins. Yes, you love SS and want him to have a good party, but he can have just as good a time eating pizza that is delivered than having you bake and cook. And, you don't need to make a big deal about it. Say "I'm getting my hair done for the party!" at 10 am as you leave the house. Let your H realize that he can't do it without you.
3) Before the party, your H needs to tell his friends that having ex-w and him over at the same time is uncool, and they need to give him a heads up, because he WILL be leaving, as exW treated HIS CURRENT WIFE badly, and he will not tolerate her presence.
4) Extend the "no friends" rule to in the house - ever - until your H gets it through his head that you mean business
I see this as an H problem - - even if you are being crazy, unresonable, etc. - - like a previous poster said, he can either fight it out with you ("these are my son's godparents, they are family to me, and I will invite them to his party!"), not to say "ok" and then put YOU in a tight spot. Because you know that if he un-invites them, it will reflect on you.
Edit: May I remind everyone here that this is a child's birthday party. The child should have had first choice as to who comes, depending on his age.
make it a point in the future to actually ASK the hosts if the ex will be there.
dont blame them for your hang ups. you're being very petty about it.