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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Pressure from the in-laws
Thanks!
Re: Pressure from the in-laws
Boundaries is a must no matter if you live far away or if you live relatively close. All your DH has to say is, "We are not moving back home and this topic is not up for discussion anymore." If they continue to ask about it, "I will not discuss this topic with you any further." and hang up. He's obviously not being firm with them. Guilt is something he can control as well. You all are not guilty of doing anything. You are not responsible for these people's happiness.
Has he been accepted to the program? Is this his top choice? Do you trust that he will enforce said boundaries in the face of conflict? Would you be happy living in that area? Is his area of study such that school ranking really matters?
You guys need to do what is best for your family. Period. If that means moving closer to family for a couple of years, so be it. Set and enforce your boundaries. If it means choosing a lesser school so that your nuclear family is taken care of, there is your answer.
The obvious solution: move for his grad school, but tell them you moved somewhere further away, and then just talk to them less.
Seriously, though, has your husband ever told them that the way they're acting makes him want to run further away, not be closer?
You are right about boundaries, but should Dh ask them to stop bringing up the subject or should he also explain to them about how he enjoys living away from family and experiencing new places? In this case would engaging them in an explanation be helpful?
I think you are right and that we have been lazy with our boundaries. When you live far away it is easy to just say, "we are not going to your place for Christmas" and then not buy a plane ticket and have zero contact with them for a week.
The only real boundary we had to establish was when his family was talking sh!t about me. He called up each family member and individually called them out on it and let them know that he had no problems cutting ties with someone that would insult him and his family.
Explanations are generally not the best idea. You can try it once, but when the behavior continues, it just gives them fodder to continue the argument.
In order to enforce boundaries, you need to establish consequences. For example, "Mom, I will no longer call you if all you want to talk about is how I should live closer to you." If she continues, then he says, "I'm hanging up now because this is not open for discussion. You can call me when you have found something else to talk about." And then he hangs up.
Seeing your response to my questions about the school, it looks like a good option for your H.
I think your husband should say something like,
"We've mutually decided to move here, we like it here and it's the best decision for us. It was not one single person's decision, it was the two of us. Please stop asking us to move back, because we're not interested. We've happy to talk to you on the phone/Skype, and we'll work out a schedule for us visiting you and you visiting us, but if you keep pressuring us to move back to your area then you're not going to be speaking to us often, because we will hang up the phone when you start on that. And I guarantee you that if you DARE to speak badly about my wife, you will be cut from our lives, end of story. We're staying here and that's non-negotiable ... so you can speak to us often and see us once in a while, or you will never see or speak to us (or any future grandchildren) ever again. Your choice."
Then he should hang up so that he doesn't get sucked into a pointless argument - and he should FOLLOW THROUGH with those threats.
Why are you concerned about their feelings on the matter? They don't care about yours, after all.
Ditto Kuus ... if they're so hurtful and mean to you, why the fvck do you care about THEIR feelings?
They're selfish people. You are never going to reason with selfish people or truly please them, even if you bend over backward and do every single thing they ask of you.
All that being a doormat is going to do is wear YOU out, and it's going to make THEM expect more and more from you. It is never going to make them respect you or love you. They are just going to continue to hurt you and manipulate you, because all they are concerned about is themselves. Not you. They don't give a shiit about you if they treat you that way.
And shame on your husband if he expects you to put up with that. It's a good start if he tells them to cut the shiit when they're being nasty to you, but he needs to FOLLOW THROUGH with that by actually cutting off contact with them.
You do realize that you can't change their feelings, right?
I would not let them pressure me into or away from any decision.
If DH accepts the program close to home, DH can simply say:
"You know, you could have have saved yourselves years of grief and constant guilt trips if you just trusted that I would find a program that was perfect for me. Just think of all of the hours you wasted when this program and location was in our future all along."
I don't think it will be that hard to establish that the move was on your own terms and for your own good. Not the result of their bickering.
It sounds like Dh should have been more forceful from the beginning about not bringing up this subject. We thought he was doing alright by not engaging them (by just saying "sorry you feel that way") but he should have taken it a step farther.
We are wondering how to essentially do damage control. Is a good program worth them "winning" this.
We would like them to respect our decision as to where we live.
The bold part is one thing that Dh has firmly established.
As for the rest, you are right, Dh should have been more direct about the constant "We miss you" and occasional conversation about moving back.
But wouldn't you end up "losing" if he didn't take this opportunity because of this?
Seriously, do what is best for the two of you. I think the best way to convince them that you are a family unit is really just to act like it.
Sure. But that's out of your control.
Eh, so what if they think they "won." You know that isn't the case and that is all that matters. If you don't care about hurting their feelings, then you shouldn't care if the think they won.
To follow along with what others have said, if you do move closer to his hometown, just have very strong boundaries in place. Decide beforehand how many times you will want to see his family ( dinners, birthdays, holidays etc). Don't let them come over uninvited ( not even once). Don't give them keys to your home. Mostly just live your own lives. Once your husband is done with grad school you can again move to wherever you please.
If they will not initiate contact and your DH only speaks to them when he makes the call, your solution seems simple. STOP CALLING!
If they want to speak to you, they will figure out how to dial a phone. I assure you, they know how to do it. By being the ones who make all the calls, you are giving them a huge amount of power.
Don't call. Make your decisions without considering how they will feel about it. I promise that your life will be a lot easier when you take back the control over your own actions -- the only thing you guys can control.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Of course it is! If he gets into an ideal program at his number 2 choice school, then YOU TWO have won. TBH, it's pretty immature to be so concerned with this winning and losing nonsense. No matter what you do, they sound like the kind of people who are going to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Stop wasting your energy on silly things and letting them have power over your decision-making. It's unhealthy and unnecessary.
You are right, it does sound very immature! I was trying to think of the easiest way to put it and "winning" seemed to be simply enough.
My main concern was how to maintain boundaries with them, which has been answered.
You are right. Thank you.