Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
IL's are causing honeymoon problems
Ok so this is likely more of a rant but I don?t know what to do and I am so frustrated. First my H and I were married in Dec and postponed the honeymoon until March (2days!) bc of out of town family and holidays. Preface: I am an avid traveler and have been to several countries and on several tropical vacations pre H. H is a home body and doest enjoy traveling/water/flying ect. We both knew that this could be a problem but decided we could work it out and compromise bc that is what adults that love each other do. Now 2 days before we are to leave for Jamaica we are fighting non stop about how I am forcing him to go on vacation and that he is going to hate it and that his parents are afraid bc of the media and bad ?stories?. Basically they have never been anywhere and are freaking him out with horror stories and saying they wish we weren?t going. I am really scared that this is going to be the honeymoon from hell and I will never get to go anywhere w/ my H again.
My question I guess is, is this my fault for forcing him to go somewhere he is not comfortable with (PS he would have complained about anywhere we went), is this his fault for being a momma?s boy and letting his parents opinions override mine, is it the IL?s fault for scaring him and not being supportive of our time together, or its our fault for getting married to polar opposites as far as this topic goes. It makes me sick to my stomach to think we may have made a mistakeL
Re: IL's are causing honeymoon problems
Your in-laws can say or do whatever they want to the two of you, but it's up to you and your husband (moreso your husband) to take control of the situations in your own lives. So, no, this isn't your in-laws' fault for trying to scare your husband out of a vacation, because your husband is an adult who can (a) ignore them if he wishes, and (b) do his own research and come to his own conclusions.
So, either he's been harboring resentment about this vacation all along and he's only bringing it up now (and he's using his parents' opinions to back up the feelings he's had all along about this trip), or he's a child who wants Mommy and Daddy to tell him what to do.
How did the two of you decide to take this trip? Did you talk about possible destinations, did you research the safety of different places, did he talk to his doctor about medications that might help him be calm on the plane ride, etc.? If he voiced concerns about anything, did you listen to them? Did you throw out a bunch of suggestions (including more local places so he wouldn't have to fly) and he'd just say something like, "Whatever you want"? Or did you make the plans and not ask him for input?
You need to sit down with him, calmly, and talk about this. Not agreeing on a vacation destination, or him being fearful of travel, isn't automatically a sign that you shouldn't have gotten married. The problem is that you're having trouble communicating about it. Or, the problem is that that he'll gladly blow off plans with you because Mommy and Daddy want something different for him.
At this point, I would tell him that if he doesn't want to go that he doesn't have to, you will just bring someone else instead.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
When you're both calm, I would quietly say to him, "We discussed this. We researched this. We mutually agreed to do this. Why are you only voicing these concerns NOW?"
If he says that his parents are saying it's unsafe, I would calmly ask him if he has any research to back this up.
If he still argues about this and yet he doesn't have a legitimate concern, if it were me I'd say, "In the future, if you have concerns then speak up while we're planning a trip. Right now, though, you can either come on the trip and we can have fun together, or you can stay home and I'll go on the trip that we planned together. Your call."
Okay, although you really should have discussed this stuff BEFORE marriage, here is my two cents:
Compromise a bit on the activities while you are on vacation. If he has never left the US, he honestly might be scared. His parents clearly aren't helping the situation. Don't book anything/pressure him to do things off the resort.
When you get there, hopefully he will relax a bit and want to do something. If he doesn't? Book something and go on your own. There will be other people on the tours to hang out with.
I think at this point getting him to Jamaica is a good start, and everything else is a bonus.
Yup, wait until you get there to book activities. Take a look at the options, see what he's interested in. If it's nothing, then go on your own and have a good time. You'll see him for dinner. He may find that he gets bored of sitting on the beach and finds something he wants to do after a couple of days.
This basically proves your husband is a selfish a$$. You compromised something you didn't want for him and since his want came and went first, he doesn't feel necessary to hold up his end of this compromise. I would tell him this is no longer up for discussion, you'll both be going and if he wants to sit in the room and sulk once you arrive that's his choice but it wont be what you'll be doing. My H hates flying yet we still take yearly vacations to a tropical destination because that's what I want to do and what do you know, he always has fun. I don't like four-wheeling but once I year I take a trip with him to the sand dunes because that's what he likes to do and its fun for me because I'm with him and hes happy. We each suck it up and take the trip the other wants and always have fun on both trips because what compromise is!
Ok, I'm not sure if I would choose Jamaica for a Honeymoon if your H was afraid of "bad things" happening. I mean, of all of the places in the world, there are safer spots. Many resorts advise you against leaving the grounds!
I do think you should have taken some trips with your H if travel was a dealbreaker for you. It can be a HUGE part of your recreation money / time / effort. But that is water under the bridge now.
In the future, unless your H is afriad of being blown up in an airplane, there are plenty of "safer" places to visit. If you want an adventure bakpacking on the North/South Korean border, you can take those trips yourself or with a friend, while you leave the bus tours of Europe, sightseeing in the National Parks, and motorbiking in Bermuda for you and DH to share.
Getting angry is your mistake.
He's displacing the blame to you, and you are sorta letting him. Stop yelling and stop burning so hard that smoke is coming out of your ears. Take a deep breath, a step back and say, "No one is forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. This is a nice, safe trip and we are going to enjoy ourselves. But it is YOUR choice. I am leaving in two days and I really hope you do, too. But I am not dragging you there and I am not responsible for your good time. Only you are. I hope you go on your honeymoon."
I would honestly go wihtout him rather that under the conditions he has set-up.
I like this answer. My H isn't a huge fan of traveling either, whereas I've been to 12 countries and 5 islands from 2002-2010. He likes to stay in his own bed, and after a short period of time he begins to miss his DD. Our compromise is that he has no desire to go to Europe (which I love going and I want to see Italy before I die since my grandparents came from there) so I won't make him go, but he did agree with me that we need to take some sort of vacation at least once a year so we don't go nuts staying at home all the time. We'll also plan to take road trips in the summer where we can take SD with us (provided it's ok with her mom) so she doesn't have to miss school and can be a part of our vacation. And finally, when I do decide to go to Italy, I'll bring my sister, a cousin or a friend along.
Kind of a tangent (b/c I am bored and H is working late) -
About 5 years ago, I worked for a huge defense contractor and went on business travel to Prague to teach a software course. One of H's friends went on this HUGE rant about how it was basically still a torture ground for the KGB, there was this open mass grave of corpses outside the city and if my murdered body was thrown in there "it would just be one more that no one would notice", blah, blah, blah.
The only cliche he didn't throw in was about how people have to eat their pets when times are tough.
To him, in a calm moment: "If you had come to me and told me that you were getting nervous as the trip is getting closer, or that you were more afraid than you wanted to admit while we were planning this trip, I would be very understanding of that and I would have a lot of respect for that. I understand what it's like to be scared of something you haven't done, or to have second thoughts, or to try to put up a good front and later admit you're not as okay as you said you were. I expect some of that will probably happen on both our parts over the course of our lives, so it makes sense we'd have to deal with things like that together. I do not understand and I do not respect passing the blame on to me by saying I forced you to do this. We both know that we planned the vacation together and we both know I did NOT force you into this, and I think that's a really crappy thing for you to say about me. I am very concerned that you are dealing with this by blaming me, and I am very concerned that you are echoing your parents' concerns to me instead of voicing your own. I want to know what YOU think, and I want you to tell me without hiding behind what your parents told you or by saying I was too pushy."
I guess I can see both sides. On one hand he should be old enough to make decisions for himself and not listen to his parents. Also, if he didn't want to go to Jamaica, he should have said so. You are not a mind reader.
However, I think you are being a bit hard on him too. Like PP said, maybe Jamaica wasn't the wisest choice for someone who is afraid of traveling. Some people are just not tropical island people ( I am one of them). Not saying I wouldn't like to go to Hawaii one day but it isn't my first choice. In addition, I would like to know how many excursions you are planning? Do you have something planned the whole time? Who cares if he wants to be a blob on the beach. It is his vacation to and if he doesn't run all over Jamaica going on excusions, there is nothing wrong with that. You might think it is boring, but he might think it is relaxing. Is there anyway you can compromise ?
FWIW, my husband and I are not similar when it comes to vacations. We typically agree on the location, but not on the activities. I am a little like you where I want to go on excursions, explore the area, meet the locals, just go go go the whole time. My husband would be perfectly happy to lay by the pool or beach and relax the entire time. I try to see as much as I can when we go on vacation, because we never know if we will be back. To him, vacations are for relaxing and unwinding. To me, vacations are for exploring new places and trying new things. I would be bored to tears if I sat by the beach the entire time. We know that we have to compromise with each other. A few days are set aside for relaxing and unwinding, yes even if I get bored, and a few days are set aside for exploring, yes even if he gets worn out.
I have to agree, Jamaica probably wasn't the wisest choice for people who are fearful of travel anyway. It can be a very dangerous place outside of the resorts. I know professional sailors who call the walk from the bus to the resorts "the six hooker sprint".
Did you book through a travel agent? Can the plans be changed at the last minute for a nominal fee? St Thomas is tropical but still, technically, in the US.
Consider me one who is strongly hoping that nothing goes wrong on this trip. I would hate for your husband to get a bad taste for travel from this one experience.
Next time, I would suggest Grand Cayman. Fabulous snorkeling!
I don't blame your H for not wanting to go on the excursions. To agree with the PPs - - Jamaica is NOT the safest place for tourists. What were you thinking when you planned THAT trip? Pretty selfish/dumb, IMO. Of all of the tropical places to go - Aruba, Bahamas, Bermuda, US or British Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, a cruise of many islands....you picked one of the worst! DH rented a villa there before we met - - they had armed guards at the villa 24/7! If you will at a resort (like Sandals), why not think about switching locations? I would not fight about excursions. If he goes on the trip, let him stay at the resort. I think it's better that he enjoy himself and feel safe than he has an "adventure" seeing the waterfalls.
On the other hand, I would tell your H "I planned this trip without you by YOUR choice. Don't come to me NOW and complain about the location. You could have easily researched places that interested you." I would also remind him that the two of you made a compromise on your wedding, and you want him to live up to his end of the bargain.
I think it's time to stop blaming the ILS for your problems. Doing so gives them too much power in your relationship. If you want your h to act like a grown up, you have to expect HIM to make his own choices, even if he is under his parents influence.
It sounds like you expected the compromise to be on his end. It might have to come from you if you want to 'work it out.'Unfortunately, that may mean giving up travel or going without him if he feels strongly about it.
FWIW, I don't think I could have married someone who didn't enjoy travel b/c it's important to me and something that I don't think I would have been able to compromise.
Somehow I doubt your inlaws were "scaring" him and that he is putting the blame on them and using it as an excuse. This is a honeymoon. He agreed to this, and now two days before he is getting in a huff?
Personally, I'd just go myself, or give his ticket to a friend and tell him he could enjoy his honeymoon alone, since this is apparently how he wants to behave.
What on earth made you think your home-body husband would want to traipse around Jamaica going on excursions? You were NOT planning the trip with him in mind from the start. If you wanted to go someplace tropical, why not Hawaii? It's safe, it's gorgeous, and it's a state.
As someone who hates traveling, I'd be really p.issed if someone planned a trip in a location I believed to be unsafe and wanted to drag my jet-lagged a.ss to all kinds of activities I have no interest in. It's just plain inconsiderate.
It's not your ILs fault. It's not your husband's fault. It's YOUR fault. You could have planned a trip that truly compromised both of your desires for a honeymoon. Instead you ignored some fundamental characteristics of your husband's personality for the sake of doing what you want to do.
Go on your own d.amn trip, seriously. Your husband doesn't deserve a forced vacation he won't like just because you're selfish.