Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Best advice for fighting fair?
Seems like lately I have become overly sensitive to others around me. I have been divorced for over a year and yet I seem to snap back and be impatient more. It's almost that I feel that the world revolves around me now and that I should be treated nicer cuz I had a tough divorce. (Something even therapy couldn't fix for me, but I am working on it)
I also realize that I don't fight fair, I get super defensive, make mountains out of small issues and bring up past unrelated issues.
How can I practice being patient, not saying everything that comes to my mind and in general be more calm and collected? An tips?
Thanks for your help!
Re: Best advice for fighting fair?
I always tell my high school students to follow the 10-second rule. Much easier said then done.
To help maintain the 10-second rule, try keeping some sort of talisman in your pocket that you can grab when you come across a fighting event. I find that having something to physically "ground" myself is helpful when I come across adversity. It reminds me to stop and think before reacting.
Not every thought has to be spoken aloud.
Try not to take everything personally.
Where possible, try to reduce your stress level.
Realize that you will get better at this as you practice more.
If you want, give an example and we can try to walk you through it with specifics. That may or may not be more helpful than general advice.
Also, do you have an outlet for your stress and anger? Sometimes knowing that I will be able to release tension later keeps me from blowing up.
I know this isn't about me, but seriously, I could work on all of these things myself.
Ask yourself if you're bringing something up out of retaliation or if it is valid to the current discussion on its own. (My DH is terribly guilty of pulling something out of his hat when he feels cornered and he's worked on it with a therapist among some other things) If it isn't pertinent to your current conversation, it stays in your head.
Allow the other person to completely finish what they are saying before you interject your opinion- even if you feel "attacked". You owe it to them to hear them out and vice versa. There should never be 2 voices going at the same time. It is a conversation, not a shouting match.
Put your feelings back onto you. "You make me so angry!" should be phrased as "I get angry when you do things XYZ"
Try to make a conscious effort to breathe slowly and deeply when you find yourself getting riled up. Nobody likes to have their past misdeeds brought up to them but being a grown up about it and dealing with it calmly and rationally can be surprisingly helpful!
Good luck.