Poll... Flameworthy? Maybe

MadameD517 · March 2011

So in perusing a board on the bump (and this is the second time it's happened, with a different person) I noticed someone with a siggy pic of their stillborn.

I saw one before I was PG and still can see the picture perfectly clear in my mind. This one will also be sticking around I know and I don't think it's only because I'm PG.

So, I find these pictures deeply disturbing just because I feel like that would be one of the worst experiences that anyone could ever go through in their life (I know it was for my Dad and his first wife...) and I'm sorry, but I am not a fan of looking at anything that has passed on, especially a precious little baby.

I'm wondering if I'm alone on this, am I being really insensitive to the people that are working through their grief by including a picture of their lost little one in their siggy? Or does anyone else feel the same as I do?

And please let me know if this is super offensive and I should just DD it, I'm not trying to be an insensitive jerk.

Mrs.BoomBoom · March 2011

I think it would be inappropriate to have a picture of your dead 5 year old in their casket. I think it's equally inappropriate to have a picture of your stillborn. I understand they're grieving, but I should not be forced to see those pictures (which I am because there's no warning or any way to avoid it)

Definitely a hot button issue though.

Passanie · March 2011

That sounds creepy (but then, I think those 3d ultrasound pics are creepy). Does it look like a stillborn?

1krazykitty · March 2011

esh. I guess people grive differently? Nobody but DH and I would ever see those pics. way to personal

aj0915 · March 2011

omg, i think i know the picture you are talking about!!!(the 1st one) it's traumatizing, i mean i feel so bad for the parents that lost their baby. BUT making everyone see this gruesome picture of a baby...umm, yes creepy & scary. also, that is something so private and definitely not anything i would share with family, only the hubby and me ..let alone people i might not even know in person.

oh and Pas..i agree about the 3-d ultra sound pics too. lol

MadameD517 · March 2011

Passanie:
That sounds creepy (but then, I think those 3d ultrasound pics are creepy). Does it look like a stillborn?

I think the 3D ultrasounds are creepy too.

Both babies are absolutely stillborns, their skin is not the same as a newborn's skin (colorwise).

I also feel like it's something so private that I would not want to share the pictures, especially on-line.

MadameD517 · March 2011

Mrs.BoomBoom:
I think it would be inappropriate to have a picture of your dead 5 year old in their casket. I think it's equally inappropriate to have a picture of your stillborn. I understand they're grieving, but I should not be forced to see those pictures (which I am because there's no warning or any way to avoid it)
Definitely a hot button issue though.

Totally agree.

mrs.moosie · March 2011

I've seen them. I wince every time. I can't imagine experiencing that. So sad. And I agree that I don't love seeing it. It haunts me. But, I understand that it may be the ONLY picture some has of their child. I can see how someone would see their baby as beautiful and loved no matter what, and would want to have a pic of their child in their siggy like anybody else. I wouldn't look at it by choice, and may avoid certain posters who had it, but I know my discomfort is nothing compared to what they're going through. It's such a sad thing all around. =(

greekwife05 · March 2011

mrs.moosie:
I've seen them. I wince every time. I can't imagine experiencing that. So sad. And I agree that I don't love seeing it. It haunts me. But, I understand that it may be the ONLY picture some has of their child. I can see how someone would see their baby as beautiful and loved no matter what, and would want to have a pic of their child in their siggy like anybody else. I wouldn't look at it by choice, and may avoid certain posters who had it, but I know my discomfort is nothing compared to what they're going through. It's such a sad thing all around. =(

Well said, I agree with you! My momentary discomfort is nothing compared to their life time of grieve.

ErikandAfton · March 2011

There was a website, I can't for the life of me remember the name of, that a professor told my developmental psychology class about. It was a group of photographers that went to hospitals and photographed dying babies and their families. I really wish I remembered the name of it. They were so tastefully done. They are all done in black and white so you can't tell that the babies are dead. I thought it was an amazing thing for a family to have.

MrsAWZ · March 2011

Not flameworthy at all. I don't understand the purpose of taking a picture of anyone who has passed away (but I know people do it, and I respect their decision to do so). That seems extremely creepy to put it as a siggy though, why should everyone else have to see it?

Dragonfly_Bride · March 2011

ErikandAfton:
There was a website, I can't for the life of me remember the name of, that a professor told my developmental psychology class about. It was a group of photographers that went to hospitals and photographed dying babies and their families. I really wish I remembered the name of it. They were so tastefully done. They are all done in black and white so you can't tell that the babies are dead. I thought it was an amazing thing for a family to have.

It's http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ - don't go if you're not comfortable with the subject matter.

ErikandAfton · March 2011

Dragonfly_Bride:
ErikandAfton:
There was a website, I can't for the life of me remember the name of, that a professor told my developmental psychology class about. It was a group of photographers that went to hospitals and photographed dying babies and their families. I really wish I remembered the name of it. They were so tastefully done. They are all done in black and white so you can't tell that the babies are dead. I thought it was an amazing thing for a family to have.

It's http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ - don't go if you're not comfortable with the subject matter.

That is it! Thank you.

Roni.Cedra · March 2011

ErikandAfton:
There was a website, I can't for the life of me remember the name of, that a professor told my developmental psychology class about. It was a group of photographers that went to hospitals and photographed dying babies and their families. I really wish I remembered the name of it. They were so tastefully done. They are all done in black and white so you can't tell that the babies are dead. I thought it was an amazing thing for a family to have.

When I worked at Stanford as a chaplain they would call people in to do this. I think if you google it'll come up.

sm23 · March 2011

I think this is what some people do as part of their grieving process. I don't think I would share such photos if I was going through this, and it's not something I want to see online over and over again. But I'm not sure what you can say to the person who's going through that and chose to have that photo up?

mellyjoy · March 2011

Dragonfly_Bride:
ErikandAfton:

There was a website, I can't for the life of me remember the name of, that a professor told my developmental psychology class about. It was a group of photographers that went to hospitals and photographed dying babies and their families. I really wish I remembered the name of it. They were so tastefully done. They are all done in black and white so you can't tell that the babies are dead. I thought it was an amazing thing for a family to have.

It's http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ - don't go if you're not comfortable with the subject matter.

thank you for posting this. my mom works at the mother/baby unit. i think that this would be a great resource for her to know about. i'm going to send it to her.

thank you!!

Gannon · March 2011

Personally, I don't think a photo in the siggy is appropriate.

That being said, I can understand taking the photo. Since the development of photography, people have been photographing the departed. In the late 1800's, families often had only one photo of themselves (individually or as a group) and if a child has passed, they would have a photograph taken. It was an act of rememberance. Realizing there would never be another photo of their child or family member.

So, I understand the photo but I feel it is too personal to share. JMHO.

It all makes me very sad.

MadameD517 · March 2011

sm23:
I think this is what some people do as part of their grieving process. I don't think I would share such photos if I was going through this, and it's not something I want to see online over and over again. But I'm not sure what you can say to the person who's going through that and chose to have that photo up?

It's definitely part of the grieving process, and I wouldn't say anything to the person(s) I just was wondering what this board thought of it. Like Moosie said, as much as I don't want to see the pictures the momentary discomfort is nothing compared to what they have been through.

MadameD517 · March 2011

Gannon:
Personally, I don't think a photo in the siggy is appropriate.

That being said, I can understand taking the photo. Since the development of photography, people have been photographing the departed. In the late 1800's, families often had only one photo of themselves (individually or as a group) and if a child has passed, they would have a photograph taken. It was an act of rememberance. Realizing there would never be another photo of their child or family member.

So, I understand the photo but I feel it is too personal to share. JMHO.

It all makes me very sad.

I totally get taking the photo. Not sure if I would but I definitely understand why someone would want to.

It is very sad.

pink.dutch.tulips · March 2011

i can see both sides of it .. on one hand disturbing as there really is no place for it on a message board filled w/ women who are hormonal and VERY sensitive. on the other, if tastefully done (i think there was someone on the nor cal baby board who had pro shots done of her stillborn) i don't there's a problem w/ it and a fitting tribute.

an even better one though, a simple tag in a siggy that reads X amt of time since X has been gone.

Carolee · March 2011

I'm a long-time lurker, and I feel like I have to respond to this. My son Eliott was stillborn at 37 weeks this past August. The loss of my child is the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I think about him every day. When you lose your child, you have a sense of not wanting to forget, and you feel like you need to acknowledge their life, even if they never lived outside of the womb. I think that is why some women choose to post pictures - those children are theirs. While I am sure that the images are disturbing to many, it is those mothers' way of acknowledging the life of their child. That said, I would never, ever post pictures of my beautiful son - mostly for fear of people being upset by them and possibly making critical comments.

:::Butting out:::

Celyn · March 2011

I don't mind the ones that are of the baby's hand or foot, or even the ones in black and white. There is a tasteful way of doing it and there is a shocking way to do it. Having lost two babies myself, I understand the need to grieve and to hang on to what was lost. However, when one deals with the general public, as one does on a message board such as this, one needs to be sensitive to a degree of how other people will react. I doubt any mother of a stillborn wants her child to be equated with shock value, yet for many seeing the blue face of a stillborn that is the response they will have. The first time I saw a stillborn sig was more than 7 years ago. I can still tell you everything about that photo, from the face of the child to the color of the background. It's haunting. A lot of people on that board were her friends and carried grief with her. I didn't really know her and so my response to it was different. When I miscarried the first time, I couldn't even read her posts (in fact, she had the photo as her avatar as well as sig, which made it doubly hard to avoid seeing it). The photo made me and many others re-live our own grief and, to be perfectly honest, I thought her very selfish for forcing that on us.

Mrs.BoomBoom · March 2011

I'll also say there's a big difference between a pic of a full/near term stillborn and the one that sticks in my head which was like a 20 week fetus wrapped in a kleenex.

smbsantacruz · March 2011

Mrs.BoomBoom:
I'll also say there's a big difference between a pic of a full/near term stillborn and the one that sticks in my head which was like a 20 week fetus wrapped in a kleenex.

I definitely have an opinion of the whole stillborn photo deal, but since I don't have kids, I don't feel comfortable sharing it publicly.

However, I think there is an argument for someone posting a picture of a 20-week fetus wrapped in tissue as being psychologically disturbed.

winterorchids · March 2011

There are two sides to my opinion. Harsher one first...

Personally, I find it really disturbing. I don't want to look at that. I don't like something of that nature being forced upon me. I want to be able to choose whether I see that and when you make something like that an avatar and signature, you take that choice away from me. I don't appreciate my choices being taken away from me or being forced to see something deeply upsetting to me. I can't unsee something I've seen, especially not something like that.

That being said, while I don't like people doing this, I would never hold it against them. I can't even fathom how hard it must be losing a child and anyone who does has my deepest sympathy. If putting that picture up there helps you grieve or makes you feel better in any way, I will deal with the, comparatively minor, discomfort forced upon me by seeing it. It's really the least I can do. I may cringe at the sight of it, but what I'm left with after is a deep sense of sadness and sympathy for the person who lost their child.

debdebdol · March 2011

I understand both sides. Personally I don't think I could have that as my siggy pic. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through something like this but for me seeing the picture would be devastating.

sm23 · March 2011

Carolee:
I'm a long-time lurker, and I feel like I have to respond to this. My son Eliott was stillborn at 37 weeks this past August. The loss of my child is the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I think about him every day. When you lose your child, you have a sense of not wanting to forget, and you feel like you need to acknowledge their life, even if they never lived outside of the womb. I think that is why some women choose to post pictures - those children are theirs. While I am sure that the images are disturbing to many, it is those mothers' way of acknowledging the life of their child. That said, I would never, ever post pictures of my beautiful son - mostly for fear of people being upset by them and possibly making critical comments.

:::Butting out:::

Thank you for replying to this post. Really helpful to hear the perspective of someone who's gone through it. I also wanted to say that I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, and welcome you to the board.

wldktz10 · March 2011

I totally agree that it's very inappropriate. I get that they're grieving, but they're not being sensitive to others (not only because no matter how you look at it, it's a dead body), but also to other mothers who have lost their children. It's bringing up their own grief, and not everyone wants to be reminded of their loss in such a graphic way.

hannikan · March 2011

I'm with Celyn and Wldktz. I don't think it's sensitive to others who have gone through that experience. It may help the person with the siggy grieve but you should think of others who will be upset to relive that every time they see your siggy. I think the footprint or other memorial is much more fitting.

BeckF4 · March 2011

Mrs.BoomBoom:

I think it would be inappropriate to have a picture of your dead 5 year old in their casket. I think it's equally inappropriate to have a picture of your stillborn. I understand they're grieving, but I should not be forced to see those pictures (which I am because there's no warning or any way to avoid it)

Definitely a hot button issue though.

I completely agree with this post. As someone who has had 4 mc I wouldn't want to see that picture every time I posted or have others see it. That is something that is private to you & your family. That is my feelings. Don't think you are being a jerk or rude.

MadameD517 · March 2011

I don't know if this will just get lost in the thread or not, but I wanted to thank everyone for their responses, especially those of you that have been through it.

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