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IL Vent and HELP!!
So, my ILs have gotten nuts since Liam got here. They are driving me and DH crazy.
A little background - DH is not close to his parents at all. He was in foster care for 7 years and was 16 when he went back with them. He loves his parents because they are his parents but really has no relationship with them whatsoever and feels no bond to/with them. Before Liam, we saw them maybe 4-5 times a year (even though they live 20 mins away...we see my parents who live 10 hours away more).
Now, his mother calls every Sunday and wants to come over. They "want to be a part of Liam's life." Ok, we get that, but she is SO particular about when they come (only after church, which is at 1 pm and lasts forever). We really only get 2 days a week to enjoy Liam since my commute gets me home about 15 minutes before we start his bedtime routine. Plus, we only have the weekends to run any errands and see other friends/family. We don't want to be strapped to the apartment waiting for them to get there (yesterday they didn't show up until after 4 pm!)
More annoying (and my bigger issue), when they come over, they always bring CRAP with them as gifts for him. By crap I mean things he can't play with because they are for much older kids (think Zhu Zhu pets) or huge things that he is still too little for. This week it was a rocking horse. We already have a rocking horse that my uncle made for him that is stored at my parent's house because we have no room for it right now and he can't use it yet.
DH has talked to them about bringing gifts. We live in a 2 bedroom condo that we have already outgrown. We are shopping for a townhouse or SFH to purchase in the next few months. We don't need more stuff to move that he can't even use right now anyway. Even after explaining this to them they continue to bring junk to our house (and honestly, I probably will never let him play with most of it anyway...it is cheap, lead-paint coated crap for the most part and I'll admit that I am a snob about certain things). We've asked them to call us before buying anything to see if we already have it or if there is something in particular that Liam needs...they just don't care.
FIL is a hoarder and I refuse to let him turn my home into a junk-fest like he has theirs. To make it worse, neither of them speaks enough English for me to have this conversation with them and have them fully understand, and they don't listen to DH, clearly.
I know the easy answer is to have them keep things at their house for him to play with, but DH won't take him over there because of the aforementioned hoarding problem - the house is an absolute junkfest, with mold and a cat and bird that they don't clean up after, and they know he feels this way. I'm at a loss as to what to do, but I've been infuriated about this all day and I can't deal.
And, as always, I'm a long-winded venter.
Re: IL Vent and HELP!!
With regard to the visits, schedule them a week or two in advance for a specific time. Tell them if they do not show up within 30 minutes of that time, the visit is off. On the day of the visit, at 30 minutes of no-show, call to make sure there wasn't some catastrophic emergency. If they don't answer or are running late, cancel the visit and go about your day.
There's nothing to do about the gifts if they refuse to stop buying them. Maybe remind them that they need to save their money for old age because you will be unable to take care of them.
In the past, you've mentioned his mom's mental illness. Is she receiving SSI or any social services? If so, has Juan tried contacting any social agency about his parents' hoarding issues? They might be able to help put the kibosh on that.
Thanks Munkii. I like the advanced scheduling with rules. I'm going to bring that up with Juan.
The money thing is a big issue - FIL is out of work and his mom makes very, very little. I think that makes it worse, almost, because his dad has so much free time he goes and walks around the dollar store and buys things.
I had never thought about social services. I'll talk to Juan and his brother about that. The house is seriously not safe, there is an entire room in the basement that is full of things (floor to ceiling), to the point you can't open the door. The room flooded a few years ago and they have just left it. It has to be a health hazard!
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First of all, major props to your husband for turning out to be such a handsome successful awesome father/husband. I have worked with many children, teenagers, adults who either live/lived in foster care and I know it's not easy. I don't know him personally, but I can just tell he is pretty dang awesome guy.
So props to him.
Now onto the issue.....and this is actually a great fear of mine for when DH and I have children. His parents have talked about moving "closer" when we have kids which only means we will be moving far far away, like Savannah. Because this will be an exact issue.
Schedule visits in advance when you can and lie....Lots and lots of lies....Oh you want to come over on Sunday after church? Well we are having lunch with friends, grocery shopping, walking around in circles for hours because we can.... If you are busy, they can't come over. It's not a bad lie, it's a "keep you sane and give you personal time" kind of lie. Which is okay in my book. Also if you are busy you can only "schedule" their visits in advance and limit them to whatever ever number per month.
Bringing crap over to your house = throwing that sh!t out. Or donate it. Just get rid of it right after they bring it over. Now if your mother in law is like mine and asks where the items are she gifted us last time on her visit....you may have a problem. OR you could lie and say they are in a storage unit, they broke and had to get tossed, etc. Again....this kind f lie is a good lie in my book.
Finally, it's your kid and your house and your family. If something is not working then tell them. They need to respect your wishes and your personal time. There's a nice firm way to do this. They need to know that there are guidelines and limits. This is not their child....it's yours. And I know I will be posting something similar in the future about my ILs. So note to self.
PS: I do not lie ALL the time....ok...
First, you all make me feel so much better (like this is news
). I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but they are killing me.
And thanks, Cip! Juan is amazing. He was blessed to be placed with a really great family and spend most of his time in foster care with them. We are still really close with them and are very fortunate to have them in our lives. He has definitely had some things to work through, but he is a really great guy with a huge heart and he is definitely an awesome dad.
You all have given me some great suggestions and we will definitely be implementing them. I know the ILs have a lot of regrets about Juan's past and are trying to make up for it now, but I need to put my family first and that is what we are going to do.
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Yep - what they said! Boundaries, Rules, Not always being available based on their schedule, etc.
That has got to be tough.